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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27686296">I'll Carry Your Weight</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/marikei/pseuds/marikei'>marikei</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Everyone Needs A Hug, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Healing, Kuroo Tetsurou is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Kozume Kenma, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, honestly kinda wholesome, kenma makes friends!, shortish chapters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:47:13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>58,478</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27686296</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/marikei/pseuds/marikei</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kozume Kenma has recently uprooted to the Nerima Ward in Tokyo. School isn't easy, he can't seem to concentrate or shake off the attention of some easily angered upper classmen. The captain of the volleyball team, Kuroo Tetsurō, takes him under his wing.<br/>Kuroo is determined to make Kenma fall in love with both Tokyo and volleyball. He's sure he can craft a protege out of the surprisingly agile younger boy in time for Spring Nationals.<br/>Their relationship quickly intensifies into a strange and unique intimacy, though everything may not be as it seems...</p><p>Fic playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7HCqdU1uxshbiOUQNw1Olz</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Bokuto Koutarou &amp; Kuroo Tetsurou, Haiba Lev/Yaku Morisuke, Hinata Shouyou &amp; Kozume Kenma, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>151</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Wrong Forecast, The Wrong Train</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hello, hello!<br/>I'm mari, thank you for reading my fic!<br/>I'm new to the site, so I'm still tryna figure it all out, but I hope you like it and all that jazz</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.<br/>CRASH!</p><p>My forehead made contact with the ground. I stumbled around blindly, reeling against the pain, shaking off the haze of my dream. <br/>I can't see anything..I can't see anything! <br/>Wait.</p><p>
  <em>I'm an idiot.</em>
</p><p>I moved my fingers against the wall, grasping the string of the curtain, yanking upwards. Dull sunlight poured in, bouncing against the concrete wall that blocks my window. <br/>Back in my home, my real home, the sunlight was so intense I had bought these blackout curtains to block the glare on my monitor, though they aren't much use to me now.</p><p>I became painfully aware of the tinnitus inducing alarm coming from my phone and slid the home screen open. Shit. I had slept through my wake up call about 20 minutes.</p><p>There would be no time for breakfast...</p><p>I strangled myself into the cheap, white uniform shirt. Buttoned it once- wrong- buttoned it twice, right but uncomfortable. The red tie sat against my throat like a noose.</p><p>Bleary eyes reflected back at me in the water stained bathroom mirror. <br/>I felt so stupid in this uniform. My forehead had a growing red spot, right in the center, from when I had fallen out of bed. I tried to flick my hair in front of it, but it just fell limply against my face. Hmmmmm. <br/>My roots had grown in in such a way, I looked like half and half coffee. How did I let it get this bad? </p><p>Pinned against the front door of the house was a note from my mother.</p><p>
  <em>Hey, sweetie! You're going to do great today. Make sure to check the weather before you leave, it's cloudy out! Smile!! Make some friends!! I'll be home late tonight, so pick up some dinner for yourself on the way home. </em>
  <br/>
  <em>&lt;3 - mom</em>
</p><p> The note was uncharacteristic of her, but I appreciated the effort. I opened the weather app, partly cloudy. Fine. Headphones in, door open, time to face the day.</p><p>I don't like Tokyo. It's too loud, people are always going somewhere in great flocks, like birds. Ever since a run in with a class pet parakeet, I am not fond of birds. At all. <br/>But, if I turn my music loud enough and I concentrate on my feet, I can imagine I'm walking anywhere in the world.</p><p>Like up the sidewalk path to my old school, to my dad's shop, to the convenience  store by the old house that sold delicious katsu sando-</p><p>A cool splash of water ran down my neck, wedging between my collar, shaking me out of my day dream. I looked up at the sky and was promptly hit square in the eye by another drop of rain. <br/><em>Jesus, fuck.</em></p><p>As I tried to blink away the irritation, the clouds opened up to the quickly gathering storm, and the rain screamed down. I frantically shoved my headphones into my backpack and clutched it tightly to my chest to protect it, sprinting into the deluge. <br/>The water poured around me, inside and out. The unending dampness made me claustrophobic. I stopped at the crossing light. All around me were blank faced men and and women in neat work shoes and umbrellas. I looked on, pained, praying someone should take pity on me and hand me a spare covering. <br/>The rain slipped down my nose.</p><p>I never thought it would be this cold here, or that in such a big city people would act so distant.</p><p>I got dirty looks as I entered the station. I sloshed and slogged, leaving behind a trail of wet. My breath couldn't escape my throat, my body burned and shivered. I hated running. I hated getting wet. I didn't even want to think about how I was going to be able to get dry before school.</p><p>Woah is me, Kenma Kozume, who embarked on a quest to some foreign land, only to be swept up in a dastardly sneak attack by a great flood monster-</p><p>I heard the click-click of the train, looked up, and saw it pulling in beyond the gate. <br/>Time to run again.</p><p>I was given a wide berth in the train car. Water pooled around my ankles as I tried to wring out my sweater vest. A woman with a kind, round face and a baby on her hip was intensely staring at me. She opened her mouth, I expected her to tell me off for making such a mess-</p><p>"Do you go to Nekoma High?"</p><p>I paused, then nodded. She laughed, in that fake polite way adults laugh. "I recognized the uniform, though your's is a bit wetter than normal. I'm an alum!" <br/>I blinked as she laughed again, "Oh, cool."<br/>"I really loved my time there. You can't tell it now, but I was on the girl's track club! We almost made nationals. Not quite, though. What are you heading to Itabashi for, not cutting are you?"</p><p>
  <em>Wait, what?</em>
</p><p>"Sorry, mam. What do you mean by that?" <br/>"This train is heading East. The high school is back that-a-way."</p><p>I felt all the blood drain out of my face. My chest tightened, my eyes blurred. In situations like this- in situations like this- I must take slow and even breaths. Slow and even breaths. Let the oxygen circulate, make a plan, make a-</p><p>"You boarded the wrong train, didn't you?"</p><p>I nodded, my tongue sitting too thick in my mouth to answer. She smiled, pityingly. <br/>"If you get off at the next station and take the west bound train, you'll be fine. Just a bit more late." <br/>I nodded my thanks, catching the eye of the drooling baby on her hip. <br/>The baby scrunched it's face and let out a wail.</p><p>I got off the train and sat on a bench, waiting for the next one to come. The rain continued to pour down.</p><p>Today was not running smoothly, to say the least.</p><p>I entertained the idea of just.. not showing up to school. To disappear, to evaporate even. <br/>I wanted to become mist, to float back towards the place I called home. <br/>I could descend over the fields and turn iridescent in the sun, each droplet refracting one billion beams of light in dizzying certainty.<br/>Then, I could manifest- turn human again and feel dirt beneath my feet, the long grass around my waist, my face turned towards the mountain. <br/>I could picture it in my mind.. almost. <br/>Did the peak cast it's shadow to the left.. or to the right? <br/>I rested my head in my hands, closing my eyes, feeling the cool hurt of this morning's bruise.</p><p>I was forgetting, all too quickly, the details I swore to myself I would never lose.</p><p>Everything changes in an instant. One ordinary instant, the slip of a hand, and life as you know it becomes an after image on the mind's surface. You find yourself wandering among strange lands and strange company. Blank faced commuters. Crying babies. </p><p>The second train was here. I watched the rain drops race the glass, dragging themselves sideways against the weight of the air as the train moved westward.</p><p>When I got off, the rain was lighter, forgivable. I was still embarrassingly wet. I accepted that wouldn't change. The tall stone walls loomed above me.</p><p>Nekoma High, of the Nerima Ward. <br/>Tokyo. Kanto Region. Japan.</p><p>I took a breath and opened the door.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Sato Toga and The Maze of Hallways</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The fluorescents hummed against the ceiling. A receptionist with long, thin fingers typed loudly behind her desk. She look ancient. <br/>Every few minutes, her eyes would flick up to make sure I hadn't washed away with the tide I had brought into the school's front office. <br/>Every few minutes, I would look up to make sure she hadn't died in her chair. <br/>On her third check in, she caught me looking at her and wrinkled her nose. I quickly ducked my head.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry"/ "The bathroom is across the hall."</p>
<p>We had spoken at the same time. The creases on her forehead moved downward as her face settled into a frown. <br/>"The bathroom is across the hall. Go dry yourself off." <br/>"I'm sorry", I repeated.</p>
<p>I did the best with what I could, paper towels and a hand dryer, transfiguring wetness into dampness. <br/>It was still unpleasant, but not destructive of furniture. <br/>When I returned to the front office, the vice principal was waiting for me, hands on his hips, belly thrust out. The receptionist casually gestured to me. <br/>"Kozume, I understand this is your first day, so I'll ask you plainly. Are you aware what time we commence class?" <br/>"Yes."<br/>"Hm?" <br/>"Yes. Sir." <br/>He leaned back further, as if readying for an attack. <br/>"And what time is that?"<br/>"8:30." <br/>The man's upper lip twitched. This was it. <br/>"And what time is it now?" <br/>I look at the clock mounted on the wall. I looked at it a long time, watching the second hand flick past. I felt my stomach churn, hungry from my lack of breakfast. <br/>"It's around 9:20. I'm nearly an hour late."<br/>I kept my eyes on the clock, focusing on the second hand. With each movement, I was closer to being out of this office.</p>
<p>"It's forgivable this time, but do not be late again. Nekoma High has a reputation that is integral to our student life, one that admires resilience and academic excellence."</p>
<p>I gathered this was a speach he repeated often.</p>
<p>The second hand continued to move. I could hear it now, in my blood. The movement of the clock synced with my heart beat.</p>
<p>"This is Sato Toga, one of our upperclassmen. She has sacrificed some of her time to show you around school today."</p>
<p>I moved my eyes from the clock. A tall, blond girl had materialized by the vice principal's side. Her hair was unnaturally light, but well kept, stretching far down her back. I felt suddenly self conscious of my own blond hair, which had taken on a yellow hue. I felt odd and dingy compared to this girl. I briefly met her eyes. <br/>They were kind, but blank. Intimidating. <br/>Bowing quickly, I looked away.</p>
<p>I don't like looking in people's eyes for too long. I always see myself reflected in their face.</p>
<p>"Thank you."</p>
<p>She offered a hand of greeting. I hesitated to meet it, knowing- <br/>"Ekk- you're all damp."<br/>My face burned, stammering out an excuse. <br/>"The- the forecast said partly cloudy. Nothing about rain." <br/>She sneaked a glance at the vice principal, who had been distracted by the receptionist, and whipped her phone out from her jacket pocket. She opened her weather app, and frowned. <br/>"Weird. Mine says 60 to 70% chance of rain for the day." <br/>I pressed my lips together. <br/>"C'mon." She pinched my backpack between her fingers, careful not to interact with the soaked canvas, and pushed it in my direction.</p>
<p>When Toga walked, she took long strides. I had trouble keeping up. Her hair swung back and forth, like a hypnotist's pendulum. It was mesmerizing, but in the way where I just wanted to sleep. <br/>Or maybe bang my head against the wall on command. <br/>She was talking, pointing out classrooms and walkways, divots and crevices of this winding building. But I couldn't hear her, all I saw was the movement and color, a flash of white within the crowding gray. <br/>"Are you ok?" <br/>I was confronted by my reflection in her eyes. <br/>"I'm fine." <br/>She frowned, looking me up and down.</p>
<p>"Where are you from, anyways? Why are you coming here in the middle of second term?"</p>
<p>I wish I was still out in the rain. She crossed her arms, waiting. <br/>I didn't owe this nosy girl an explanation. <br/>I thought back to the clock in the office. The ticking seconds that had manifested in my pulse seemed louder.</p>
<p>"I'm from Furano. We moved here for my mother's job."</p>
<p>Her face brightened and she relaxed, visibly.</p>
<p>"Ohhh, yeah. That's such a nice area. Did you snowboard there?"</p>
<p>I hate when people ask if I snowboard.</p>
<p>"No."</p>
<p>I may have said it too harshly. Her face hardened. Toga leaned against the window. I watched the way her fingers smudged the glass. The fresh marks irritated me, the way they disrupted the clean window, it felt-</p>
<p>"What does your mom do?" <br/>"Finance stuff.."<br/>"Ok, what does your dad do?"</p>
<p>I fixated on the smudges. Those careless finger prints. "He doesn't do anything." <br/>Toga smirked, moving her fingers from the window, placing them delicately against her legs.</p>
<p>"Why not?"</p>
<p>I took a deep breath, forcing myself to meet her eyes. There I was, staring back in this maze of concrete and mess, leaving behind a trail of damp foot prints like Ariadne's string.</p>
<p>"Thank you for your help, Toga. I will find my own way around from here."</p>
<p>I turned my feet sharply, making a harsh squeaking noise. I felt the older girl's eyes bear down on me as I hurried away.</p>
<p>"Did I do something to offend you?"</p>
<p>Her voice ricocheted down there hallway, striking me in the back.  I ignored the blow and continued to walk forward.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Pudding Head</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was able to find my homeroom after awhile of wandering. My late arrival caused me to blissfully escape introducing myself to the class, but I still had to suffer some stares when I slipped in to the back row. <br/>Someone had carved a cat into the corner of my desk. Nekoma. Neko. Hm. <br/>The cat was flipping me off... or maybe that was just it's tail.</p>
<p>We had lab after, but there wasn't enough equipment since I hadn't been expected. I sat back and watched, which I preferred. <br/>My clothes were finally starting to dry. <br/>The class was uneventful, minus a strange looking kid with a blond mohawk almost catching his sleeve on fire.</p>
<p>I followed the curvature of the building back to homeroom, carefully retracing my steps. It wasn't as easy now with students crowding the hallway. I pressed myself against the side of the wall and tried to meld with the stone. I felt successful, almost, until the hem of my pant leg caught under my heel. <br/>I stumbled, slightly, my steps louder from the sudden movement. <br/>My mother had been intending to hem them for me. She hadn't had time, but I didn't blame her. I made a mental note to pick up some thread and attend to it myself, though I knew my stitching would never be as good as hers. <br/>A short, brown haired boy looked at me, briefly. I turned away. <br/>I am unseen. I meld with the stone.</p>
<p>Continuing on, I looked at everyone and no one, students off all sizes in trim blazers or skirts. Thankfully, Toga didn't seem to be around. Faces flickered past. Their voices bounced off one another. I wondered if anyone was really listening to what anyone else had to say, or if they just heard the noise, like me.</p>
<p>My old school had never had this many people. Everyone knew everyone. Everyone knew to give me my quiet space. It hadn't been hard to leave that part, I wasn't close to my classmates, but as I moved through the obstacle course of Nekoma, I felt a pang of longing for Furano Public High. <br/>The windows were always open there. <br/>Here, I felt like I was suffocating.</p>
<p>By the time I got back to my desk, I felt winded. So many faces and rooms, so much space and information I needed to absorb. I tried to catalogue it all, but it was too much. My stomach grumbled, as if reminding me about the missed breakfast. <br/>I needed to get out of my head and eat something. <br/>I took the bento box I had packed the night before out of my bag, ready to dive into some tamagoyaki. However, when I opened the box, I discovered that the rolled egg with dashi had turned to mush. Water had crept into the box. <br/>I cursed myself, opening the inner pouch of my backpack where I kept my wallet, PSP, and headphones. <br/>They had, thankfully, stayed insulated and dry. I took my wallet out, thumbing some measly coins. There was a vending machine I had passed. If I used these coins now, I might not have enough for dinner. I weighed my options: vending machine snacks, or a meal after school. I chose the latter, quieting my stomach. I guess I wasn't that hungry anyways. Probably.</p>
<p>The PSP caught my eye. It was against school policy but... I needed an escape. It had been one of the most difficult days.. I deserved.. I don't know. I don't like to think I deserve anything, that's not a good way of thinking, I just wanted-</p>
<p>I kept my hands low, concealing the game within my backpack. The warm glow of the startup screen soothed me, digital light against my tired eyes, distancing my mind far from here to somewhere better- a kingdom built of ones and zeroes.</p>
<p>Before my game could even start up, a hand slammed my backpack shut. I jumped in surprise, my stomach reaching my throat. <br/>"Chillll. Not a teacher." <br/>I quickly glanced up. It was the mohawk guy from before. He looked scary up close.</p>
<p>"You really shouldn't. They'll take it away and you'll never see it again. Happened to me my first year. Totally sucked, I thought my mom was going to skin me alive."</p>
<p>I looked up at him again and slowly shut my backpack. This guy was too forward, too noisy. Maybe if I moved slowly and made no sound, he wouldn't be able to see me anymore.</p>
<p>"I'm Yamamoto."</p>
<p>He thrust his arm at me, proudly. I just looked at his hand. I hoped it was clean. I looked for dirt beneath his fingernails, but I couldn't tell from the angle of his gesture. <br/><em>Just shake it. Just shake it.</em></p>
<p>"I'm Kenma."</p>
<p>The fingernails did have dirt. Not too much. But some. <em>Ek. </em><br/>"If you go behind the gym, some students meet there to check their phone or do other stuff they don't necessarily want teachers to see. You can probably play your game there, if you're careful." </p>
<p>A secret, quiet place. I flushed with gratitude and forced myself to meet the taller boy's eyes.</p>
<p>I saw myself reflected, looking red and lost.</p>
<p>I hated the sight, but stuttered a genuine thank you.</p>
<p>I felt ten times lighter as I moved through the hall in the direction I presumed the gym to be in. A secret place! A quiet place! Somewhere I could re-enter my little world, somewhere I could escape to. <br/>If such a place existed, this school might not be so bad. If such a place existed, I could-</p>
<p>CRASH.</p>
<p>My face was pressed against linoleum tile. It burned fiercely. I took a personal surveillance. Nothing seemed to be bleeding or broken.</p>
<p>"What the FUCK is wrong with you?"</p>
<p>My vision sharpened. A boy with rusty, red hair was picking himself off the ground. The contents of his lunch were all over his shirt. I lost contact with the floor as someone yanked me upwards by the backpack straps.</p>
<p>
  <em>Well, this </em>
  <em>was not good.</em>
</p>
<p>My brain rushed into a quick strategy mode. <br/>There were two boys in front of me, the red one, and a blond one. The red one with the food stained shirt appeared to be yelling at me. <br/>Someone was holding me from behind, twisting my arm, and I could sense a second person to their left. All were taller, most likely third years. I couldn't move against the grip. <br/>People were beginning to stare at the commotion.</p>
<p>I tunneled back in my brain, how could I have been so careless as to bring this much attention to myself in a public space? I was always so careful-</p>
<p>Oh.</p>
<p>I was so excited about discovering the spot behind the gym, I had neglected the level of processing necessary for moving through the crowded hall. <br/>The hem of my pants collected around my heel, the murder weapon.</p>
<p>Oh.</p>
<p>"Hey- HEY. Are you listening to me?" <br/>I looked at Red.</p>
<p>The me I saw reflected in his eyes looked to be on the verge of panic.</p>
<p>"His hair looks like a pudding cup." Blondie smirked. <br/>A... pudding cup? <br/>Red growled at his lackey, "Shut up." <br/>Blondie laughed, throwing up his hands in defense, "What! It does!"<br/>Red focused his attention back on me. The grip on my arms tightened. The boy in front of me reached out and grabbed my face, tilting it upwards, making me to look at him. He pressed down on my jaw bone, forcing my mouth open.</p>
<p>"Can you speak? Huh? Can you?" </p>
<p>He slammed my mouth shut, my teeth clattering together. I heard ringing and tasted the faint, acrid tang of blood. I bowed my head and my lips moved for me.</p>
<p>"I do my best not to."</p>
<p>A group of girls who had stopped in the hallway giggled. <br/><em>Shit.</em> I hadn't meant to say anything smart. I hadn't meant to say anything at all. <br/>I didn't even want to be here. <br/>This was the last thing I wanted.</p>
<p>I snuck a glance at Red, who's face now matched his hair.. and the sauce dribbling down his shirt. He looked to be at the point of combustion. <br/>I thought of the way the fire had coiled back in the lab earlier, the way it had readied itself to leap onto Yamamoto's hand. <br/>The boy in front of me seemed to be doing the same. <br/>I closed my eyes, bracing myself to be burned.</p>
<p>"Hey! Hey! Break it up! Now, all of you."</p>
<p>A stern looking male teacher pushed through the hall. The pressure on my arms released.</p>
<p>"Hitoshi. Go clean yourself up. I better not see this happening again, or I'll tell the vice principal, and it's suspension for everyone involved. Am I clear?"</p>
<p>Red-Hitoshi, I suppose, backed off. I got a look at the two boys who had been behind me. Dark hair, tall. Less remarkable features than Hitoshi and Blondie, but features I would need to remember so as to avoid the ones who possessed them. <br/>Hitoshi stared daggers into me. Blondie laughed again at his friend's intensity. <br/>He waved to me, "Later!"</p>
<p>Later? I hope not.</p>
<p>The bell rang. It was time to get back to class. <br/>I stood, more visible than I wanted to be in the midst of the surging hallway.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. His Eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The cool air hit my face, freezing my cheeks and the tips of my ears. It was welcome relief from the recycled heat and press of bodies that Nekoma offered. <br/>Nothing in the world sounded better than an empty house, surrounded by a fortress of concrete. I was ready to go back home, even though I felt no claim to the place that now bore that label.</p>
<p>I was stripped of the delusion my time at Nekoma would be remotely enjoyable. <br/>I needed to start strategizing for survival, but that would have to wait for the safety of the evening.</p>
<p>For now- headphones on on, world off. <br/>Time to find the train station.</p>
<p>I didn't have the luxury of looking at the ground this time. Back in the area where my mother and I had taken residence, I had practiced the walk from the house to the station enough that I could move passively. Here, there were obstacles of uncertainty. Students, commuters, cyclists, dog walkers. If I became familiar with their pattern of movement, I could drift through like a ghost. It was technique I developed back home when tourists would briefly populate the town in the winter months. <br/>Breath. Control. Observe and process.</p>
<p>I passed an 8/11, briefly distracted by the smell of meat buns. No, no. Too many Nekoma students around here. I could wait till I got home. <br/>I rounded a corner, pulling the train station into view. I stopped briefly to look up at red and white cellphone tower. It glinted in the sun. <br/>The hair stood up on my neck, pulling me back into the present. Something was wrong. I glanced over my shoulder, noticing the boys from earlier. The stain on Hitoshi's shirt was now a violent pink. His arms were crossed over his chest to conceal it. <br/>Were they following me, or were they just fellow train commuters?</p>
<p>Blondie flicked his eyes in my direction.</p>
<p>They were following me.</p>
<p>I picked up speed. I didn't know this area well enough to figure out how, or where, I could evade them. My train wouldn't be here for 20 minutes. If I went into the station, I would end up stranded on the platform with them. I switched my music off, so I could listen to their footsteps. They had matched my quicker pace.</p>
<p>This was crazy, I never knew this kind of thing <em>actually</em> happened beyond manga and movies.</p>
<p>In fiction, the hero would fight them off, but that wasn't me. I had never hurt anyone in my life, nor did I believe it would be an equal playing field with four bigger, stronger boys against me. This was ridiculous.. maybe if I just talked to them-</p>
<p>"HEY. Pudding Head."</p>
<p>I spun around. Hitoshi was pointing at me, as if marking me for a target. I really hoped this "Pudding Head" thing didn't stick..</p>
<p>Before my mind had caught up with my body, my legs had flung me around the corner, into the surrounding neighborhood. I moved desperately through the street, looking for shelter, but all I saw were quiet homes. <br/>Steps thundered behind me, growing louder- there!</p>
<p>I ducked into a narrow side street that.. wasn't. Where I expected to be able to pass through was cut off by a wooden fence. An alley. <br/>I had, so stupidly, wandered into an alley. <br/>I jumped, looking for a grip in the fence so that I might climb over, but came crashing down to the ground, landing hard on my back. <br/>The air left my chest on impact.</p>
<p>I quickly opened the bag, praying I hadn't broken the PSP. In some stroke of luck, it was unscathed. The footsteps grew closer, they were almost upon me. I wondered what they would do when they caught up. I quickly stashed my game and my wallet behind a bin. If I couldn't protect myself, I could at least avoid another important casualty.</p>
<p>There was a darkness across Hitoshi's face, a sinister absence of emotion. We observed each other from opposite ends of the alley.  With the sun at their backs, the boy's shadows stretched long, their heads resting at my feet.</p>
<p>"You made me look stupid today."<br/>I wanted to speak, to say I didn't mean to, to tell him to leave me alone and grow up, but I couldn't move.</p>
<p>Breath, control, observe and process.</p>
<p>The black haired boy who had held my arms back would run at me first. He would try to restrain me again. In a flash of seconds, I was proven correct. Backpack still in hand, I retrieved the uneaten bento box, and deftly swung it at him, catching his face. He staggered back and cursed, picking it up and flinging it towards me. One small motion to the left. <br/>I won't get hit that way. <br/>I side stepped, untouched, as egg splattered the wall behind me. <br/>The other boy with black hair, who may have been the brother to the guy I had apprehended with the bento box, started for me. <br/>His charge was more blind, his head tucked low, as if he were to ram me over. <br/>Once again, I side stepped, using his lower back as support and consequently knocking him off balance.</p>
<p>"You little freak, what's your problem?"</p>
<p>I placed my palms up, looking downward. The universal signal for <em>please, leave me alone</em>.</p>
<p>"Let's go, Hitoshi. This is stupid." Blondie whined. "He won't even fight back."</p>
<p>Hitoshi ignored him, moving towards me. He swung, his fist slicing through the air. I listened to the way it cut the currents, the way it occupied the air around me. He was aiming for my stomach. I stepped back, right before the point of contact. <br/>He swung again, using his left fist.</p>
<p>Breath, control, observe and process.</p>
<p>The boy was aiming for my head. <br/>Again, a small side step kept me intact. <br/>We began an elaborate dance. As I weaved his punches, ducking and stepping, moving my feet lightly from place to place, he became angrier and quicker. Less calculated, less predictable. I couldn't keep up my defense forever. I needed an escape route. If I could steer Hitoshi so that his back was to the fence, rather than mine, I could maybe make a break for it. I've never been fast. I hate running. <br/>I flicked my eyes upwards to visually chart my escape path - I would have to also evade Blondie- and was surprised to see another boy standing at the edge of the alleyway.</p>
<p>He was tall, taller than the rest of them. Maybe his hair, which stuck up and out, assisted in his appearance of great size. His arms swung loose and comfortably, muscular and long. There was no way I could get past someone that massive.</p>
<p>I met his eyes, and for the first time in my life...I did not see myself staring back. <br/>My heart stopped beating furiously in my chest. <br/>I always found myself within the gaze of other people, the way I was reflected in someone's  eyes served as a guidebook for my being. <br/>I could asses how they saw me, how best to become a seamless, background figure in their world.<br/>I didn't want this uninvited contact. <br/>Every encounter in my life had demanded too much. I had become invisible, incorporeal by choice. <br/>This was different.</p>
<p>I searched for the distance between him and I and found none, because when I looked into his eyes, I only saw him.</p>
<p>Who was he?</p>
<p>Where did he come from?</p>
<p>I wondered.. could he see me, too?</p>
<p>There was a searing pain in my skull. I felt my body crumple and everything faded to black.</p>
<p> </p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Who Is This Guy?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I opened my eyes to a figure crouched over me and threw up my arms in defense. The sudden motion made me dizzy. I felt the invisible contents of my stomach rise as I turned away and dry heaved.</p><p>"Oh, oh my god, ok."</p><p>It was that boy, perched on his heels over me, like a cat with his prey. The other four were nowhere to be seen. I scrambled back away from him as he stood. His shadow stretched over me, coolly. The garbage can beside me reeked and I felt like I might be sick again. <br/>I put my hand out, my thin arm like some false barrier between him and I.</p><p>"I don't want to fight you."</p><p>The please was implied. My face burned with humiliation. I lowered my hand slightly and snuck a glance at him. He looked confused.</p><p>"What? No. I'm not- here."</p><p>He took my hand and braced my shoulder with his other, lifting me swiftly off the ground and to my feet. I stumbled slightly, but stayed upright. <br/>"What's your name?"<br/>I shrugged his hands off of me.<br/>"Kenma Kozume." <br/>The boy repeated my name, dissecting the syllables with his tongue. I didn't want to look into his eyes again, so I kept my gaze trained upwards to the tips of his spiky hair. <br/>How did he get it to stand up like that?</p><p>"Can I call you Kenma?"</p><p>I shrugged, looking at the hair.</p><p>"I'm Kuroo."</p><p>He stood on his tiptoes, inserting his face into my line of sight, and smiled. I quickly turned away to retrieve my backpack from the dirt. My bento box was surprisingly intact, though eggy. I returned it to my bag.</p><p>"Those guys are hot tempered losers, by the way. Nobody likes them in my class. You shouldn't feel badly."</p><p>I rooted around behind the bin where I had stashed my stuff, "I don't."<br/>I heard him take a step closer, "What are you looking for?" <br/>"Hid my stuff when they cornered me so they wouldn't.. take it."</p><p>It sounded so stupid out loud. My fingers connected with the wallet and PSP. They were ok, but a little dusty. <br/>A strange, grating sound came from behind me. I whirled around- was he laughing? Is this how he laughed?<br/>"That's brilliant!"</p><p>I shrugged, shouldered the backpack and started off. My head was killing me. Dirt had collected all over my body. I felt disgusting and- "Hey, hey, hey. Wait. Let me walk you home, at least."</p><p>What was his deal? "I'm fine." <br/>Suddenly, Kuroo was in front of me. He moved surprisingly fast, with a physical specificity I hadn't seen before. "You took a nasty hit and I want to make sure you get home okay. Where do you live?"<br/>"Toyotamakita. By Nerima Station."<br/>My lips moved before my thoughts could catch up with them. I didn't understand why I was so out of sync with myself today. Kuroo placed his hands on his hips and cocked his head to the side. <br/>"No shit. I live in that area, too. We would be taking the same train anyways. Which..", he said, unlocking his phone, "we should be heading to now, if we don't want to miss our ride."</p><p>The taller boy walked ahead, trying to compensate his long strides for my shorter ones. He turned back to look at me to make sure I was still following.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The Best Soba Noodles In Tokyo</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In Japan, the sun sets around 7 pm. It often falls suddenly and without warning. <br/>In Furano things were different. Beginning around 4 or 5, the sky would start to engage in some kind of brilliance- an overture for the show. Furano's sunsets carved secret landscapes. The light would move through shadow, illuminating the hidden sides of houses and trees. The shape of the sky could go so far as to dictate the mountains. Urban Tokyo lacks this dynamic. The unnatural peaks of buildings glow on their own without help.</p><p>But, I suppose, there are still secret hints of brilliance.</p><p>The low sun was casting a pinhole of light through the train window. It bobbed and weaved as the car shook, like a turbulent star. I tilted my chin up, watching the light as it moved onto the metal ceiling.</p><p>"What are you doing?" <br/>Kuroo sat next to me. Other than him, I was given a wide berth in the train for what I realized was the second time today, though now it was attributed to the dirt caked into my uniform. <br/>"Nothing." <br/>He flicked his eyes up to where I had been looking.</p><p>"Do you see that tiny circle of light on the ceiling? It looks cool. It's almost perfectly round."</p><p>Was he making fun of me? I couldn't tell. Kuroo leaned back, resting his head on the chair. He seemed perfectly calm, peaceful and passive. His long legs were stretched out into the aisle, since he didn't fit neatly in the seat. When people stepped over him, they gave him rude looks, but he didn't seem to notice or care.</p><p>He was so... obtrusive.</p><p>"How long have you been here for?" <br/>I moved my eyes from his legs to the window. <br/>"Three weeks. Today was my first day at Nekoma." <br/>He scrunched his body forward, placing his chin on his hands. <br/>"How did you like it?" <br/>I caught his eye for a fraction of a second, gave him a withering look, and turned away. <br/>Kuroo laughed that loud, hyena like laugh. <br/>People in the car turned and stared at the noise  source. My ears turned red in embarrassment for him, but again, Kuroo didn't seem to notice or care. <br/>Such scrutiny would have made me want to melt.</p><p>The train pulled into our station. I was glad to be nearly rid of this strange boy. <br/>As we exited onto the platform, my stomach let out a very audible growl. <br/>Kuroo raised an eyebrow, "Hungry?" <br/>I was going to say no, but my stomach answered for me, growling louder. <br/>"Come on." <br/>I began to protest, but he grabbed the collar of my shirt, leading me up the stairs and to the left. <br/>I pushed his hand off, but continued to follow.</p><p>We walked through the streets of our neighborhood. I was more oriented here. I knew my house was several blocks over to the right. We were moving parallel to it. <br/>Businessmen and students from other schools passed us, sometimes pausing to stare at Kuroo. There was an air of relief floating among the passerby's. People were happy to be returning to their corners after long days of work and school. <br/>I wish I could share their sentiment, but here I was, following someone I had just met.</p><p>Something was bothering me, though.</p><p>I cleared my throat to get his attention, but my voice came out soft and undetectable. <br/>I reached out and lightly tugged on the back of his shirt, but instantly regretted such a childish gesture. It had worked though, Kuroo was looking at me. <br/>"Why were you there, on that street? Why did you help me?"<br/>He turned away. <br/>"Right place, right time. And I didn't do much to help. I wish I had done more. I just told them to fuck off."</p><p>I nodded, but my mind was somewhere else. There hadn't been any other Nekoma students on that street. He had to have been there for a reason, it was out of the way. <br/>Maybe I was over extending myself, putting too much thought into something so small. <br/>Still...</p><p>We approached a modest house that looked very similar to mine. Kuroo fished through his pocket, extracting a ring of three keys. He pushed the last one into the door.</p><p>I wonder what the other two opened.</p><p>We removed our shoes. The interior was clean and shady. Kuroo used his foot to pull back a chair for me at the kitchen table, while opening a cabinet with his hands. <br/>"Are you ready to have the best soba noodles in Tokyo?"<br/>I was taken aback. "Oh... you really don't have to.." <br/>"No, no. I want to pick your brain for a bit. And I was going to cook for myself tonight, anyways."</p><p>Everything he said, he said so casually, as if nothing was a big deal. As if it was not only normal, but common to cook food for strange boys you find in alleyways.</p><p>I watched Kuroo add the noodles to the boiling water. He dropped them in a bit too quickly, causing some water to splash out of the pot, but he stepped out of reach before being burned, chuckling softly to himself as it sizzled out on the counter. <br/>I watched his quiet amusement.</p><p>"Do you like to cook?"</p><p>Kuroo looked up at me from chopping spring onions. "Yeah. I really do."<br/>He grinned.</p><p>When the soup was done, Kuroo sat across from me at the table. He watched me try the first sip. <br/>The minute the warmth hit my throat, I wanted to take the bowl in my hands, to inhale every last bit of it, Kirby style. <br/>I watched the other boy smirk proudly at my obvious enjoyment. <br/>He extracted a noodle from his bowl, slurping loudly. I furrowed my brow, causing Kuroo to laugh once more.</p><p>He laughed easily.</p><p>Kuroo paused from his soup, placing his hands on the table. His demeanor shifted, slightly. His passivity hardened and he looked at me with intention for longer than I felt comfortable.</p><p>"Was it luck?"</p><p>I forced myself to return his gaze, "What are you talking about?" <br/>He rested his hands beneath his chin, the same gesture from the train, but this time his casualness was obviously feigned. <br/>"I saw you. If I hadn't distracted you, Hitoshi would've never laid a hand on you. Was it luck, or were you thinking about the way you were moving?"</p><p>I could lie and say it was luck. <br/>I could lie and this boy, this unreadable boy, would lose his odd interest in me. I could finish my noodles and go home, I could evaporate and he would never look at me again with those eyes that made me feel so bare.</p><p>"I knew exactly what I was doing."</p><p>Kuroo suppressed a grin. His laced fingers tightened. The steam rose from the soup, mixing with the pale yellow light of his kitchen.</p><p>"How?"</p><p>I shrugged. "I'm observant. I think about what other people are going to do, so I know ahead of time how to react."</p><p>He slurped another noodle, "Have you thought about joining any sport clubs?"</p><p>I shuddered at the thought. "I hate running."</p><p>Kuroo chuckled again, softer this time. "In volleyball, certain positions don't require a lot of running. Just fast thinking."</p><p>I didn't like what he was getting at. I ate a couple more bites of my soup. <br/>"Volleyball is a girl's sport.", I said slyly.</p><p>Kuroo leaped up dramatically, whacking his head on a low hanging light, cursing. <br/>He stuck his finger in my face.</p><p>"Volleyball is for everyone! And.."<br/>His eyes gleamed fiercely. <br/>"Volleyball is awesome!"</p><p>If I was supposed to be impressed by his display, I wasn't, but I could tell it was something he truly cared about. It was nice to be able to place something concrete to his character. I shrugged in response as I finished the bowl. Kuroo picked up the dish.</p><p>"Was it the best soba you've had in Tokyo?"</p><p>My eyes flicked to the growing darkness outside the window. "Well. It's the only soba I've had in Tokyo. So. Yeah." <br/>He faux-gasped as he rinsed the bowls, "How's that possible?"<br/>I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "I've really only been around my house, the station, and school." <br/>Kuroo put the dishes down. I could feel the weight of his gaze pressing into my chest.</p><p>"You don't like it here much, do you?"</p><p>He interpreted my silence correctly. Kuroo sighed. He walked over to the window, looking out at his small backyard and the neighborhood beyond.</p><p>"I love Tokyo. I haven't seen all of it, obviously, but there are parts that really speak to me. <br/>I think a city belongs to whoever can make it their own, whoever can it love hard enough to carve out their own space."</p><p>I was taken aback by the radical sincerity with which he spoke. <br/>Kuroo turned to me, "I just think you haven't found your space yet, Kenma. It's not your fault. You don't know where to look."</p><p>I could do nothing but shrug. My shoulders were starting to grow weary with all the movement I had forced on them today.</p><p>"Let's make a deal. After school, everyday- or as much as we can- I'm going to take you somewhere you might like. In return, you have to come with me somewhere I like, afterwards. What do you say?"</p><p>What did I say? <br/>For the final time that day, my body moved before my mind.</p><p>"Okay."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Facing the Day</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kuroo walked me home in comfortable silence. I think we were both listening to the low city noise; distant traffic, the muddled words of evening broadcasts, children running through wet grass. <br/>Small insects circled the street lights that guided our way. When we got to my house, it seemed dark and empty. My mother wasn't home yet. <br/>"See you tomorrow?"<br/>I nodded.</p><p>In the bathroom mirror, I got a glimpse of how I had looked all day. My face was smudged with dirt, my cheeks were puffy. I parted my hair, looking at where Hitoshi had landed a hit on me. Swollen, but not bad. I would need some ice.</p><p>I turned on the bath, letting steam collect on every surface. A make-shift little sauna.</p><p>I thought about Kuroo walking back home, alone in the dark. He would be fine, I knew. <br/>I puffed out my chest and stood on my toes, thinking about what it would be like to be tall and broad, to have a body built to occupy space. In the bathroom mirror, I just looked pale and stupid.</p><p>He was so strange, but I was curious about him.</p><p>I sunk into the bath, letting the water cover my nose and my mouth as my hair floated around me. <br/><br/></p><p>In the morning, I was up before my alarm. There was a tension in my stomach, though I couldn't figure out why. I quickly dressed, grabbed a piece of toast, and headed out the door.</p><p>I guess I expected to see him at the station, but Kuroo was nowhere to be found. <em>Huh</em>.</p><p>I ate my toast on the train, fiddling with my game. I liked the old consul, but I should probably upgrade soon to a DS. I was running out of things to play.</p><p>Upon arriving at school, I braced myself and entered the crowd of students, making myself handily invisible in the throng. I let the crowd carry me towards my homeroom. I didn't see anyone I recognized.</p><p>My homeroom teacher, I discovered, was a humorless woman called Mrs. Hamada. She wore her hair in a severe, low ponytail that seemed to pull at her scalp. <br/>I slid into my desk, greeting the carved cat, who still brandished the finger at me. <br/>As she went around the room calling role, I mentally rehearsed how I would say "here".</p><p><em>Here? </em><b>Here? </b>And should I apologize for missing yesterday?</p><p>I was so lost in thought, I hadn't noticed she had been calling me. I yelped out a measly "here." The class snickered and I ducked my head. <em>Stupid. </em><br/>However, I was soon overshadowed by the blustery entrance of that kid from yesterday. <br/>He bowed deeply to Mrs. Hamada.</p><p>"MRS. HAMADA! I AM SO SORRY I AM LATE! PLEASE FORGIVE ME, MY CLUB PRACTICE RAN OVERTIME!"</p><p>He was gasping for breath. The teacher looked at him in disdain. <br/>"Yamamoto, what club would that be?"<br/>"VOLLEYBALL, MAM!"</p><p>Volleyball?</p><p>"Don't let it happen again, or I will have a personal conversation with your coach and your club advisor."<br/>He hurriedly slipped into the seat in front of me. <br/>For someone so intimidating with such an odd preference for punkish hair, I figured he would have more of a backbone in speaking to adults. I guess not.</p><p>My mind wandered through Japanese II and History, before being racked into focus at the start of Chemistry. <br/>We had been given a study period for a test that was to take place tomorrow. <br/>I meekly approached the teacher, who sat bored behind his desk, buried in his computer.</p><p>"Excuse me, Sir?" <br/>He didn't look up. I repeated myself, louder, painfully aware of my own voice. <br/>"Hm?" <br/>"Am I to take a test on material I haven't learned?" <br/>"Well, why haven't you learned it?"</p><p>Was he serious?</p><p>"I.. haven't been in school?" <br/>The teacher shrugged, returning his attention to his computer. "Not my problem. I don't reschedule tests.." <br/>He poked the textbook between my hands.</p><p>After school, I hurried quickly out of the building, ducking behind the side wall of the train station. The weight of the Chem book corroded my posture. <br/>A fat, hazel colored cat lay in the sun next to me, flicking his tail. <br/>The cat's amber eyes looked up, lazily. <br/>He seemed to say, "C'mon. Kenma. Just get a grip."<br/>I scratched his little head and he hummed softly. He seemed to be well fed, probably someone's pet out on a stroll.</p><p>"HEY!!"</p><p>How did he find me? I was purposely waiting around the back side of the train station, out of view. The cat tensed. <br/>"He's a pretty boy." Kuroo said, smiling. <br/>I nodded. Kuroo bent down to pet the cat, but the plump animal shrunk back, avoiding his touch. Kuroo rescinded his hand, frowning. <br/>"You didn't forget, did you? I've been looking for you."<br/>"The deal's off." <br/>Kuroo furrowed his brow, "it hasn't even started!" <br/>I sighed, folding my hands behind my head. <br/>I looked at his chest, rather than his face, which wasn't hard considering how tall he was. <br/>"I found out I have a chemistry test tomorrow that they're making me take, even though I haven't been at class." <br/>Kuroo snorted, "Oh, really? That's all?"<br/>I looked up, annoyed. <br/>"I actually picked a place that's perfect for studying, so it works out fine!"</p><p>He reached out to grab my arm, intending to drag me after him, but I ducked out of the way. Kuroo smiled, slyly. <br/>"Are you good at chemistry, Kozume?"</p><p>I shook my head, no. How could I be good in a class I haven't even been in?</p><p>"Well, I think it's neat. Studying how parts come together, how substances interact with energy n'stuff."</p><p>I wrinkled my nose, "It's fine, I guess."</p><p>"And, I received top marks in my class on the final exam."</p><p>He had my attention now.</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. The Cafe, The Park</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We got off the train at the same station that was our neighborhood stop. <br/>
"Today, I wanted to show you somewhere you could walk to on your own from your house.", Kuroo explained.</p><p>
  <em>Hmm.</em>
</p><p>He led me though a maze of small stores and little restaurants, checking over his shoulder to make sure I was following. I noticed that was a habit of his.</p><p>Kuroo stopped suddenly and I ran into his back. He smelled nice, surprisingly, like dryer sheets. It made me think back to when I was little and my father would gather up all the freshly laundered bedding and shape it into a great pile for me to jump into, like leaves in the fall.</p><p>"Sorry", I mumbled, still caught off guard by that sudden memory. I stepped out from behind Kuroo's back. We were standing before some cheap tourist store.</p><p>Kuroo noticed my face crinkling into a frown and gently grabbed the top of my head, tilting it up.</p><p>Above the store was a set of broad, tall windows. A hand drawn picture of a coffee cup rested in the sill, framed by well kept houseplants. He took me around the side of the building, up a flight of stairs.</p><p>"This place is called Andes. It's open pretty late, so it's perfect to study in. I like to come here during test weeks. However, the main reason I thought you would like this place is-"</p><p>Kuroo turned to face me, pausing for dramatic effect.</p><p>"They will kick out anyone who talks too loudly."</p><p>I ducked my head, covering up a laugh. Kuroo, still standing over me on the stairs, became flustered. "Sorry, that's not rude, is it? You're just a bit quiet, so I figured you would appreciate somewhere quiet-"</p><p>I cut him off. "Do you know from experience? That they kick people out?" The tips of his ears turned red, "Never mind that."</p><p>The inside of the cafe looked similar to the one from Tokyo Ghoul; rich wood with small, intimate tables. The large windows overlooked the street below, and I saw where Kuroo and I had been standing moments before. Nerima Station was visible from a distance. There were free standing overstuffed book shelves. It was warm inside and very pleasant, almost instantly calming.</p><p>A man wiping down the counter pointed at Kuroo, who made the "my lips are sealed" gesture and put his hands in a surrender. The man narrowed his eyes and went back to cleaning.</p><p>"Where should we sit?", Kuroo whispered. I picked a spot for us by the window, near the plants. Kuroo draped his messenger bag over the chair.</p><p>"What do you want to drink?"</p><p>I shrugged. "Black coffee is fine." I fished around in my wallet, handing him some coins, but Kuroo pushed them back into my hand. When his back was turned, I shoved my money into his messenger bag.</p><p>He returned to the table with two frothy cappuccinos, topped with whipped cream. I narrowed my eyes. "Just try it."</p><p>I held our two drinks steady as Kuroo struggled to fit his legs underneath the small table. The man wiping the counter would look over every time Kuroo made the slightest noise. When he was finally settled, he gave the man a thumbs up.</p><p>"It really wasn't my fault. I mistakenly brought a friend from another school here, and he has no concept of volume control..", Kuroo mused, looking out the window.</p><p>I took a sip of the cappuccino. It <em>was</em> good. When Kuroo turned back, he smiled, tapping his nose. I tilted my head, confused. He sighed in exasperation, leaned across the table, a flicked a dollop of whip cream off of where it had taken residence on my face. I smeared my hand across my nose, annoyed.</p><p>Kuroo propped open the chem textbook, "Let's see what chapter they have you on."</p><p>Two hours later, we had not been kicked out of Andes, and I felt like I had a much better understanding of tomorrow's test. I finished reviewing my new notes, as Kuroo read a book he had seized from one of the many shelves across the table. A pair of thick framed reading glasses were perched on his nose. They made his face look less severe, less intimidating.</p><p>Kuroo closed his book, it was something on the history of Japanese cinema. He took a picture of the cover, "I'm gonna buy a copy of this."</p><p>He looked up at me.</p><p>"You feel good to go?" I nodded, returning my notes to my binder.</p><p>When we stepped outside Andes, it was like being reintroduced to the concept of noise. The cafe really had been quiet. I resolved to return there, soon.</p><p>"You didn't forget that we're still going to do my thing now, right?"<em> Oh..yeah.</em></p><p>We walked down the side street, made a left, then a right, until we stopped at a park. The park was lined with sakura trees, but they were flowerless in the October wind. I imagined it would be quite beautiful come March.</p><p>Kuroo swung open the gate, confidently trotting inside. A couple of old men playing chess along a bench paused to wave at him, and he waved back. "What are we doing here?", I asked.</p><p>Kuroo swung a corner. In the midst of a grove of trees was a rusting volleyball net.</p><p>"This", he exclaimed proudly, "is what we are doing."</p><p>I instinctively took a step back. "Kuroo.. I don't-"</p><p>He pulled a volleyball from his bag and tossed it to me. "Trust me."</p><p>We threw it back and forth for a minute, until I got used to the weight of the ball.</p><p>"Ok, so, stand with your weight on your right foot. That way, you'll be ready to move your left in the direction of the ball."</p><p>I mimicked his stance, feeling awkward. "Put your hands about four to six inches above your head and spread your fingers out. I'm gonna toss to you and I want you to just push the ball in any direction, ok?"</p><p>I watched the ball float towards me, stepping with my left foot a bit towards the right as it seemed to be veering that way.It landed perfectly in my fingers, catching me by surprise so much that I forgot to do the push part. <em>Ughhhh.</em></p><p>Kuroo snorted and I glared at him. "Toss it back."</p><p>The second time he threw it my way, I pushed the ball ahead of me. It soared neatly through the air into the trees. Kuroo dashed off to get it.</p><p>When he came back, he was panting slightly. "Ok! Now! Try to control the pressure in the toss too, as if you wanted to keep it in bounds with the net.. yanno?"</p><p>I shrugged and did as he asked. I felt so stupid, I didn't know why Kuroo was getting all excited. "Try hitting it in a different direction." I did, a couple times. It wasn't very hard, I just had to think about what was around the ball.</p><p>"Now", Kuroo said, "try tossing it to me." I balked. Trying to send it somewhere specific, rather than a vague direction, didn't seem plausible.</p><p>"Just try it, ok?"</p><p>Kuroo threw the ball. I could hear his footsteps in the grass. He was cutting behind me, to a tight corner of the net. I could visualize where he was in my mind. I pushed the ball up, over my head and turned around, expecting the worse.</p><p>Instead, I saw something remarkable. The ball seemed to hang in midair, right above Kuroo's head. He leaped up, higher than I had ever seen anyone jump, and slammed the ball into the ground on the other side of the net. The way his body moved was incredible. He turned to face me, so I quickly stopped gawking and donned a mask of indifference.</p><p>"That, my dear Kenma, is called a line shot."</p><p>We repeated this until it grew dark, then left the park. The old men playing chess were also packing up. Kuroo waved to them again as we passed. He was covered in a thin layer of sweat, making him look shiny under the street lights. Cars sighed past.</p><p>"Did you have fun today?" I paused, then nodded. We walked in silence for awhile.</p><p>"Why did you take me to the park?", I asked, after awhile. Kuroo exhaled.</p><p>He stopped walking and turned to face me. "I want you to like volleyball."</p><p>I didn't like how intensely he was looking at me. "Why?"</p><p>"Being tall, fast, or strong are all important for volleyball. However, none of those things matter without a cohesive brain to hold the team together. That's something my team lacks right now.I have never seen anyone read another person's motions and develop a strategy to navigate them as adeptly as you did, yesterday. Nor have I ever seen someone pick up the basics of setting so quickly."</p><p>A thin line of perspiration dripped from his forehead, sliding over his jaw. It didn't seem to bother him.</p><p>"I think you're exactly what I need, Kenma."</p><p>I shivered. "I- I don't think team sports are for me. I'm sorry."</p><p>He didn't seem to look any less determined. Kuroo tossed the ball to me. I held it against my chest. "Will you still play with me again, tomorrow?"</p><p>I looked down at the ball in my hands, feeling it's smooth texture. I tossed it back to him. "Take me to another coffee shop or something, and we'll see."</p><p>Kuroo grinned. We continued walking, tossing the ball back and forth as we went.</p><p>When we reached my house, the lights were on. My mom was home. I handed Kuroo the ball back. "Wait-", he said, fishing in his bag. He took out his phone. "I don't have your number." I put in my contact info.</p><p>"Kenma Kozume" Kuroo read, sounding out my name like he had the day before when I first gave it to him. He smiled.</p><p>"Good luck on your test tomorrow!" I thanked him, watching as he jogged back in the direction of his home.</p><p>Inside the house, my mother was eating a McDonald's hamburger, still dressed in her work clothes. She tried to say hello as she brandished a second bag, but her mouth was full. I slipped into the seat across from her.</p><p>"I'm glad you got home in time, or I would've eaten all your fries." I accepted the bag from her, gratefully. "Where have you been?"</p><p>I paused. "I was at the park. With a friend." My mother's eyes widened, and her weary face perked up. "Oh?" I shrugged off the question, and she didn't pry. I watched her pick apart her burger, making it into small bite sized pieces.</p><p>We didn't eat together often, not anymore. There was a silence, an absence that made us both uncomfortable.</p><p>I wondered if she got lonely, if she felt the same way I did about moving here.</p><p>I wondered if there was someone at her office like Kuroo, someone who at least made her day interesting.</p><p>A piece of hair slid out of her ponytail. "How was work today, mom?"</p><p>She gave me a thin smile, exhaling. "It was fine."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Why Do I Attract Such Weird, Loud People?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I woke up to several text messages.</p><p>
  <b>Hey</b>
</p><p>
  <b>Hey Hey Hey!</b>
</p><p>
  <b>Did you fall asleep?</b>
</p><p>
  <b>Lame.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>Anywaysssss, I've got homework for you :3 see you tomorrow!</b>
</p><p>There was an aggressive string of emojis and then a link to some video. <br/>I got dressed, made toast, and headed out the door-but something stopped me in my tracts.</p><p>The coins I had slipped into Kuroo's bag to pay him back for the coffee were arranged on my doormat in a small smiley face. <br/>I grinned, beside myself. That tricky bastard. The next coffee would be on me.</p><p>Once on the train, I clicked the link he had sent me. It brought me to a video called <br/><em>Top 20 Best Volleyball Sets Ever!!!!! </em><br/>It was actually quite interesting, watching the players think, predicting where they would go.</p><p>My chemistry test went well. Kuroo has seared some dumb song into my brain about distinguishing chemical formula types that proved to be surprisingly helpful. I handed in my test early and watched the clock run out until lunch.</p><p>I kept checking the time, waiting for lunch to be over, so that afternoon classes could be over, so that- <br/>Why did I feel so excited? I needed to refocus. <br/>I decided to see what Yamamoto had been on about, in regards to the spot behind the gym.</p><p>This time, my journey was far less treacherous. Behind the gym, small groups students flocked about, chatting quietly and looking at their phones. Nobody seemed to mind that I had appeared, I didn't recieve any odd looks. <br/>I sat with my back against the stone wall, powering up my game. <br/>I was outside of myself, in some world of dragons and strategy, when a voice rang out through the air.</p><p>"What are all these DELINQUENTS doing behind my gym??"<br/>"Yeah!"</p><p>I turned my head to see Yamamoto and an extremely tall boy with silver hair. The other students who had congregated behind the gym looked at them with disdain, some sheepishly putting up their devices.</p><p>"HEY." <br/>A short boy with light brown hair sprinted around the corner. I recognized him, we had made eye contact in the hall my first day. <br/>The small boy swiftly kicked out a leg, catching the tall one's knee. <br/>"Stop being obnoxious and trying to pick fights! Mind your own business, you don't own this area!" <br/>He whacked Yamamoto in the stomach. <br/>"Do you want to be more unpopular than you already are?" <br/>Yamamoto whined in protest, then caught me looking at him. He waved. <br/>"Kozume!"</p><p>Don't walk over, don't walk over.</p><p>"I see you found the spot. I like to come around, police the area-"<br/>The short boy growled from behind him. Yamamoto turned as he approached. <br/>He grabbed him by the collar, "Is he bothering you?" <br/>"Uh-" I stammered. Shorty yanked my classmate back, berating him, pulling him away. <br/>"Stop being so nosy, you don't always need to-"<br/>"He's in my class! He's new! It's-" <br/>The silver haired one howled with laughter as they disappeared back around the corner.</p><p>This school had so many strange people.</p><p>I turned my game off and pulled out my phone to rewatch the video Kuroo had sent me.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. The Stories We Tell About Others</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kuroo and I stood in line at the 8/11 by the school. He chatted with other students, girls mostly, as I waited patiently with a couple of meat buns for us. <br/>I hadn't gathered he was this popular from our solo interactions, but I wasn't surprised. He was attentive and could carry conversation easily. Occasionally, someone would glance over at me with confusion. <br/>I didn't like the visibility his presence brought. <br/>Thankfully, by the time I reached the front of the line, he was wrapped into a heated conversation with several girls, so I could pay for both of our snacks without him realizing. We were even now. <br/>I wasn't sure how to summon Kuroo away from his crowd without seeming rude, so I went to wait outside. After a few moments, he popped his head out, looking around. Kuroo's eyes quickly landed on me. <br/>"You can't hide from me." <br/>I shrugged, looking away. "Wasn't trying to."</p><p>Almost the minute after we got on the train, my game died. I thought I had charged it the night before... <br/>"Let's play a different game, how about that?", Kuroo proposed. I looked at him glumly. He had said it would take about 40 minutes to get wherever it was we were going. I didn't like being unoccupied for that long. <br/>Kuroo gestured to a stout, sweaty man with a brief case standing towards our left. <br/>"What do you think his deal is?" <br/>"I think he's... heading home from work? I don't know..."</p><p>Kuroo swatted my head lightly. <br/>"Boring answer."</p><p>He paused, staring intently, almost rudely, at the guy. "See how he's all sweaty? It's cold out today, so it must be from nerves. He's clutching that briefcase pretty tightly. I bet it's got government secrets in it.. like codes for a machine that creates earthquakes!"</p><p>Kuroo seemed so sincere, I couldn't help but chuckle. He was so strange...</p><p>His face flushed red, had I embarrassed him?</p><p>I felt a pang of regret for laughing, so I quickly pointed out a boy and a girl, about our age. <br/>"What about them?", I asked, softly.</p><p>The pair in question were in school uniforms for an academy that was nearby. The girl had short brown hair. She fidgeted nervously in her seat, smoothing her skirt with her hands. The boy was trying to stay as far away as possible from her, while still sitting side by side. Every few minutes, they would look at each other and laugh nervously. <br/>"Well, they're on a date, obviously." <br/>I nodded in agreement, countering "Is it a first date?" <br/>Kuroo made a pensive noise, "No. They're nervous, but I think they're just nervous type people. They've known each other for awhile, I feel like otherwise they would have never had the guts to go out with one another. See?"<br/>I bobbed my head in agreement. Kuroo smiled, "What so you think?" <br/>"Well..", I started hesitantly, "they're childhood friends. They grew up next door to each other."</p><p>Kuroo nodded, "Okay, okay.. keep going.."</p><p>My mind drew a blank. I tried to think about all the friends to lovers manga tropes that I had a secret interest in throughout junior high. It clicked.</p><p>"Over the last holiday, their families went to the beach together and shared a house. Because the two of them have known each other for so long, their parents put them in a shared room, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal. However, they've both harbored secret crushes on each other ever since...", I trailed off, but quickly regained steam, "Ever since she stood up for him against some bullies in middle school. That incident made them distant. He didn't want to ruin their friendship over his feelings. She figured he was avoiding her because he was embarrassed that she was the one who stood up for him."</p><p>I took a moment to look at them again.</p><p>"Over the weekend at the beach house, they were forced inside by an unexpected storm. They were stuck in their room together and the close quarters brought them both to confess. This isn't their first date, they've been casually hanging out under romantic pretenses for awhile, but it is their first formal one."</p><p>I turned to look at Kuroo, "Did I do the game right?"</p><p>His face was a mask of shock.</p><p>"What the FUCK was that? That was beautiful! You just created a whole, intricate relationship and- you actually can talk for longer than three sentences at a time! I honestly wasn't sure, no offense, what the fuck, Kozume-"</p><p>He was talking very loudly. I pulled on his sleeve, shushing him. My face burned. Kuroo laughed.</p><p>"There is so much I have to learn about you."</p><p>I felt the same way about him.</p><p>We sat in silence for awhile, watching buildings race past from the train window, eating our meat buns. Kuroo turned to ask me a question.</p><p>"What do you think people suppose when they see us together?"</p><p>I thought about the way those girls had looked at me in the 8/11. I knew what they were thinking. <em>Why would someone like him really want to hang out with a nobody like me?</em></p><p>In my heart, I knew it was a facade. Kuroo just wanted me as a piece for his team, though I still couldn't fathom why. I'm sure I had only a handful of days left to spend with him. As soon as he figured out I was serious about not participating in a team sport, he would leave and my life would return to normal.</p><p>I could be invisible again.</p><p>I studied his face, the slope of his nose, where his jawline connected with the top of his neck.</p><p>I could enjoy this, while it lasted.</p><p>"They probably think you're some grown man pretending to be a student, some kidnapper taking away little boys."</p><p>"HEY!"</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Tip of the Sky</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Please tell me you're not scared of heights." <br/>I flicked some hair out of my eyes. <br/>"I'm not."</p><p>Kuroo breathed a sigh of relief, "Thank goodness, I really should've asked you earlier. This is our stop."</p><p>We had arrived at the Tokyo Skytree Station. I looked at Kuroo with wide eyes. <em>Seriously?</em></p><p>A throng of people pushed their way out of the train. Kuroo grabbed my wrist to avoid losing me in the crowd, not that it would've been possible for me to lose him as he towered above everyone. <br/>For a minute, I allowed myself to flow through the mass like water, trusting the weight of Kuroo's hand to anchor me. I looked at people as they past and they looked at me. I found myself holding my breath, the crowd almost became too overwhelming, but then Kuroo pulled me through to the other side.</p><p>He took out his phone, to check time or directions I didn't know, still absentmindedly holding on to me. <br/>I wondered how long he would keep his grip.<br/>I looked at his hand holding my small wrist, so casually and naturally.<br/>Was he aware that I was still anchored to him? Why wasn't I prying his hand off of me? <br/>I didn't-</p><p>Kuroo released me with no acknowledgement, using both his hands to type something.</p><p>I felt strange and a bit uncomfortable, though I couldn't place why.</p><p>It wasn't hard to find the base of the Skytree. It rose up from the ground abruptly, shooting out from the earth and extending into the sun. <br/>Kuroo and I bought our tickets and joined the queue. I stood, dumbstruck, staring upwards to the incalculable top of the tower until the brightness of the sky overwhelmed my vision.</p><p>"I came here once, my mother and father took me when I was small.", Kuroo explained. There was something sad in the edge of his voice, but I didn't pry.</p><p>When we finally got to the front of the line, we entered an elevator with clear windows. It moved with surprising speed, our ascent visualized in the glass that lined the walls. As we propelled upwards from base level, my ears popped from the pressure change. I scrunched my face.</p><p>The view from the observation deck was indescribable. I had never had such an expanded field of vision. I forgot about the rest of the tourists, I even forgot about Kuroo as I pressed my face up against the glass.</p><p>I wish I could take this moment and freeze it on a frame of film. <br/>Tokyo is sprawling, terrifying. With all the different centers for urban gathering, the sinking web of underground transport, and the strange ordering of streets, I had existed in a haze of confusion since arriving here.</p><p>From this height, however, I could view everything in complete clarity. It all looked so simple, so neat- like a diorama. <br/>Clusters of lighted sky scrapers served as markers for the cities within the city: Shinjuku, Shibuya, Shinagawa- I'm sure there were more that I couldn't personally recognize.</p><p>I knew in my heart that this tower was built, against all seismic uncertainty, to capture the frenetic energy of the city for people like me. <br/>Up here, where I could see it all, I could begin to grasp at my place within the land that stretched below.</p><p>I turned to Kuroo, wondering if he was experiencing the same awe I was, but he was clustered against the back wall. His face seemed green.</p><p>"This is great." <br/>"Mhm." <br/>"Everything looks so small." <br/>"Mhmm." <br/>"Come closer to the glass." <br/>"I'm okay."</p><p>To our left, there was a panel of glass built into the floor. I eyed it. Kuroo followed my gaze. <br/>"Don't you dare."</p><p>I shrugged, walked over, and nonchalantly placed a foot on it. Kuroo tensed up, inhaling sharply. I put my other foot on top of it. Kuroo gave me a pained look.</p><p>I jumped on the clear panel and he turned white as a sheet.</p><p>"Asshole", he muttered loud enough to get a rude look from a mother with her child.</p><p>I led him to a small bench, midway between the wall and the window.</p><p>"I don't remember it being this tall.", Kuroo said under his breath. <br/>"I think it's incredible." <br/>Kuroo eased a bit, loosening his grip on the bench arm rest. <br/>"It is pretty incredible."</p><p>We walked around awhile longer and Kuroo chilled out. I was bemused that someone so tall had developed such a strong aversion to high spaces. We poked around the Skytree gift shop, then left, promising each other to return a different day to explore the aquarium and the other shops that populated the base of the tower.</p><p>On the train ride back to Nerima, we worked on homework side by side. We were squished a little too close for comfort as commuters fought to return home. My shoulder rested on his.</p><p>We headed for the park as soon as we arrived. <br/>As the late afternoon transitioned into night, we practiced sets. I mimicked what I had seen in the video pretty effectively. <br/>When Kuroo tried to teach me receives, it was a bit of a different story. I didn't like having to move to meet the ball. He just smiled and said we would work on it more tomorrow.</p><p>I found myself thinking that Kuroo had a very nice smile. It reached his eyes, illuminating and activating his whole face.</p><p>Was this strange to think about? <br/>No.. I'm just an observant person.</p><p>I stared at the turned up corners of his lips.</p><p>I still made a point to avoid Kuroo's eyes.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Our Developing Familiarity</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the days that followed our visit to the Skytree, Kuroo and I went to a myriad of places: a local fish market, a cat cafe, an arcade filled with classic games. <br/>We had developed a system of meeting up after school by the 8/11, spending about an hour at the day's destination, and doing homework on the train back to Nerima Ward. <br/>Afterwards, we would practice sets and receives at the park, along with the occasional block- though I had only managed to stop one of his spikes. <br/>Every night, he would send me a different video as homework.</p><p>The volleyball was fine, but what I really enjoyed was his presence.</p><p>I was starting to develop a small catalogue of facts about Kuroo. His favorite food was grilled salted mackerel pike. His favorite color was blue, "like the sea". He was a Scorpio, though I didn't really buy into star philosophy.</p><p>I think, also, that he had become my friend.</p><p>I found myself growing comfortable around him. I talked more, asked questions. Sometimes I could make him laugh. I felt good, excited when I got to see him everyday.</p><p>I had never felt like this around anyone before.</p><p>Today we were in Harajuku, but not for its vibrancy. Kuroo and I arrived at the entrance to the Meiji-jingu shrine, which was framed by a wooden torii gate. We stepped out of the urban landscape and under a blanket of trees. <br/>The Shinto shrine wasn't one with a remarkable history, having only been built in 1920, but it held a great cultural importance for the area.</p><p>Come New Years, I decided I would bring my mom back here for year's first prayers. She used to be into that kind of thing.</p><p>It was mid October now and much colder. I hugged my school blazer to my body. I looked up at Kuroo as we passed through a smaller torii. <br/>The shrine was simple and unadorned. It reminded me of the ones back home. <br/>We approached to pay our respects, but I couldn't think of anything to wish on.</p><p>I felt like I had most of what I needed right now, despite how difficult things had been in the last months.</p><p>I wondered what Kuroo wished for.</p><p>On the train ride back, he helped me with my math homework. My grades had been better than before, now that I had him to consult with. That was another thing about Kuroo, he was remarkably smart.</p><p>When we got to the park, a group of kids rushed us, grabbing on to Kuroo, begging him to come play with them. He chuckled, plucking them off.<br/>"Sorry, guys. Private lesson today. If you're here this weekend, we can play." <br/>One of the boys began to pout, but his sister smacked him, "Perk up! Do what the captain says!" <br/>Kuroo paused, looking pensive. "Actually, we could use some help if someone is interested in tossing for us. Would you guys be ok with that?"</p><p>There was a chorus of cheers.</p><p>Kuroo just laughed and waved to a group of women, who I presumed to be the kid's mothers. They waved back.</p><p>"Hey, focus up!"</p><p>I rolled my eyes, crossing behind the net to the same side as him. <br/>The kids followed from a respectful distance, watching. Kuroo pointed at the tallest, a girl with her hair in even plaits. "Aiko! You're up!" <br/>She blushed and trotted over. <br/>"You're gonna toss from that back corner, as if you were playing defense, sending the ball to the front. You'll pass to Kenma, here." <br/>He grabbed my head as a way of gesturing to me. I didn't duck out of his grasp quick enough. <br/>"Mako, Ren- you go try to block the shot."</p><p>Mako, the boy who had pouted earlier, exclaimed, "No fair! You know we can't stop your shot."</p><p>Kuroo shrugged, grinning slyly. "Maybe not right now, but if you practice with a hard opponent, you'll get better."</p><p>Mako seemed to think this was fair logic.</p><p>Kuroo pulled me closer and beckoned Aiko. <br/>"Okay, team. This is how it's going to work."</p><p>We got into formation, Kuroo, myself, and his gaggle of middle school admirers. <br/>Aiko sent the ball in my direction. <br/>I set up for the serve, making a somewhat obvious indication I would send the ball to my right. Mako and Ren scurried to block from that side as Kuroo ran up to the net. I pushed the ball up, lightly, in the same way I had when I first set for Kuroo. The ball hung in the air. Kuroo moved like he planned to jump, causing Mako and Ren to catapult themselves into the air- but he didn't actually leave the ground, just as planned. <br/>As they descended back to the earth, Kuroo leaped up, viciously spiking the ball down.</p><p>A delayed time attack.</p><p>The younger kids erupted into cheers. <br/>"SO COOL!" <br/>I agreed. He beamed at me.</p><p>Kuroo and I practiced until the park was drowned in lamplight. As I went to retrieve the ball, Mako stopped me. He blushed, shyly.</p><p>"You're really good. At setting."</p><p>I was taken aback by his comment. <br/>"Thanks.."<br/>I could barely hear my own response, but the kid seemed satisfied. He ran off back to his mom.</p><p>As Kuroo and I walked home he asked me, "Any new thoughts? On joining the club?"</p><p>I paused. <br/>I really liked being around Kuroo, but he was just one person. I didn't know how I felt about allowing more. The thought made my breath become shallower in my chest.</p><p>"I dunno."</p><p>"Really????", Kuroo said brightly. <br/>"That's fantastic!" <br/>He threw an arm around me and pulled me against him.</p><p>My stomach flipped and I instinctively pushed him off.</p><p>"I didn't say I would join", I sputtered.</p><p>"True", Kuroo nodded, "but this time you said maybe instead of no."</p><p>"I didn't say maybe. I said I didn't know. That's different." I frowned and buried my face in my phone.</p><p>"Whatever."</p><p>We walked in silence for awhile while I played on my phone. <br/>Out of nowhere, Kuroo snatched it from me. <br/>"Give it back!" <br/>He dangled my phone over my head, using his height as his advantage. I jumped, trying to get it, but with no luck. <br/>Kuroo took off running towards my house.</p><p>"C'mon! Let's get in some cardio practice before the night's over. Every minute you're late to your house, I'll delete an app!"</p><p>He wouldn't dare..</p><p>I took off running.</p><p>When I got to my house, Kuroo was sitting on the front step.</p><p>"You're fast when you're motivated."</p><p>I huffed, out of breath. He tossed my phone back to me. <br/>"I couldn't guess your passcode, so you might be locked out for a bit."</p><p>I glared at him and he laughed that loud, hyena laugh. I almost expected him to wake the neighbors.</p><p>I watched as Kuroo left in the direction of his house. <br/>I thought about his shape as it receded into the dark.</p><p>I quietly unlatched the door to the house, slipping inside. <br/>My mother sat on the couch, staring at the TV, but there was nothing on. She was just staring forward into a blue, signal less light. <br/>"Mom" I said softly.</p><p>If she could hear me, she didn't acknowledge it.</p><p>I repeated, a little louder. She jumped and switched the TV off, embarrassed.</p><p>"Kenma! How was school?" <br/>I nodded slowly. <br/>"Good... How was work?" <br/>She nodded back. <br/>"Good."</p><p>When I was with Kuroo, I could forget what had brought us so suddenly to Tokyo. <br/>I could forget these barren walls, the way my mother had woken me up in the middle of the night with some crazy look in her eye. <br/>Her intention had been to outrun our life.</p><p>We had never stopped to talk about what had happened.</p><p>My mother and I had a similar penchant for invisibility, but her disappearing act had removed her in ways that were more invasive than I could've imagined. <br/>She had disappeared from herself, floated away on the dream of a life in a city so different from what we had grown up with. <br/>I could understand that. <br/>Our final days in Furano were marked by nothing but hurt.</p><p>I just sometimes wished that when my mother had decided to disappear, she could've taken me with her.</p><p>She turned around, sitting alone on the couch. <br/>I watched, hesitated, then went to my room.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Can't Get Comfortable</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A cold hand gripped my shoulder, fusing with the wool of my sweater, immobilizing me.</p><p>"Haven't seen you in a bit." I was pushed back to face Hitoshi. He looked around, smiling at me. It was a dead expression on him.</p><p>"Where's Kuroo?"</p><p>I evaded meeting his eyes. If I held still and didn't look at him, he wouldn't be able to see me.</p><p>
  <em>This is so fucking stupid.</em>
</p><p>"He keeps weird company nowadays, don't you think, Minoru?" <br/>Blondie floated into frame, nodding. <br/>Hitoshi prodded the side of my head, flicking the place where he had hit me. I didn't flinch. <br/>"How's your head been?" <br/>I didn't respond. I just stood and breathed. I wouldn't let him get anything out of me.</p><p>
  <em>This was so fucking stupid.</em>
</p><p>Hitoshi released me and made a tch sound. <br/>I turned around and started walking down the hall. He called out after me. <br/>"I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you!"</p><p>I didn't understand people who sought to make others small.</p><p>I sat behind the gym and pulled my phone out. I could use some good news.</p><p>
  <b>hey</b>
</p><p>
  <b>can I get a hint </b>
  <br/>
  <b>about where we're </b>
  <br/>
  <b>heading today? </b>
  <br/>
  <b>just curio~</b>
</p><p>By the time lunch ended, I hadn't received a text back. <br/>The rest of the day passed like a montage. I felt like I was under a trance, making the motions of a good student while my mind was somewhere outside of me.</p><p>School was exhausting.</p><p>As soon as the final bell rang, I headed for the 8/11. Usually, I would spot Kuroo heading over before he saw me, but today he was nowhere to be found. <br/>I took out my phone.</p><p>
  <b>AAAAAAAAH!</b>
</p><p>
  <b>I thought i had told </b>
  <br/>
  <b>you yesterday</b>
</p><p>
  <b>some movie came </b>
  <br/>
  <b>out that my girlfriend</b>
  <br/>
  <b>has been craZy </b>
  <br/>
  <b>about seeing so im </b>
  <br/>
  <b>taking her today</b>
</p><p>
  <b>call me a simp and</b>
  <br/>
  <b>I'll kill u.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>see u tomorrow</b>
</p><p>Kuroo had a girlfriend? <br/>I felt strange. Something about that made me feel strange and I could not comfortably place it. I slumped against the brick wall.<br/>It was probably because I hadn't known. We had spent so much time together, I felt like I was growing close to him.</p><p>No. I was growing close to him. Wasn't I?</p><p>I felt like if I was, I would've known such a detail. Right?<br/>Hm. <br/>I watched students walk in groups, dispersing to trains and neighborhoods, mounting bikes, laughing and talking.</p><p>What was I supposed to do now?</p><p>I didn't want to go back to my house.</p><p>I could go to that coffee shop in our neighborhood, I could even go to the park... but those places didn't feel like mine. They belonged to both of us. I would feel like I was trespassing if I went without him.</p><p>Why did I feel so strange?</p><p>In a blink, I found myself on a train. I didn't remember walking through the station, but there I was, face against the glass- watching buildings sprint into focus and crumble away.</p><p>In another blink, I found myself breathing in the steamy air of the city. I didn't consciously know which area I had arrived in, but I didn't mind. <br/>I wanted to distance myself from all the somewheres and find a nowhere, but in hindsight, that was impossible in a world so crowded. <br/>My lost feet stumbled through the city walkways. <br/>I would stop and observe every couple of minutes, maybe looking for something to do, maybe just looking.</p><p>Why was I so bent up?</p><p>I felt needy and selfish. I had gotten used to the comfort of company.</p><p>I roamed about in the cold, taking thoughts and rearranging them until I had made a mental picture I could understand.</p><p>Maybe it was just about the game. Maybe it was always just about Kuroo's game. He became luminescent whenever volleyball was mentioned. How could I expect him to have interest beyond the light that fueled him from within?</p><p>But... that wasn't true. It wasn't that simple. Kuroo was kind. <br/>He paid attention to the old men and the young children in the park. He struck up drawn out conversations with every peddler at the fish market. I had watched him coax the shyest cats out of their corners in the cafe, so they wouldn't feel left out.</p><p>Such displays of humanity must've come from a place of genuine care.</p><p>Otherwise, and I knew from experience, they would exhaust him.</p><p>How could I expect myself to be any different?</p><p>I had watched the ways he had shown love to the world, and as much as I tried to distance myself from the present, I was a part of that same world that Kuroo tended.</p><p>Of course he had a girlfriend. I bet he got flowers for her, I bet he remembered all of her likes and dislikes. I bet she was beautiful and nice, I bet she like.. recycled.. or something. <br/>Ugh. <br/>She probably felt very important. She was, if he devotes time to her. I wondered how serious it-no. It wasn't my business.</p><p>As I made my way back to the station, past the steely and unfamiliar buildings, I made up my mind about what I should do.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Morning Practice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Kenma?"</p><p>I blinked, fluttering my eyes open. Kuroo stood before me, bundled tightly in a sweatshirt.</p><p>"Oh, hey." <br/>I tried to sound casual. Kuroo snorted. "What are you doing at the station so early?" <br/>I yawned, "Is it early?"</p><p>It was. It was very early.</p><p>I knew from Yamamoto that Nekoma's volleyball team practiced in the morning.</p><p>I knew this must happen long before 7:40, the time I got on the train, because I had never seen Kuroo on the platform in the mornings.</p><p>I knew I couldn't ask Kuroo what time they practiced at, because that would indicate a commitment to showing up. I still had second thoughts.</p><p>It was 5:30 in the morning. <br/>I had been here since 5 am.</p><p>"Iwantedtowatchyouplay." The words came tumbling out. I took a breath. <br/>"I wanted to watch you and the rest of the team play, if that would be alright."</p><p>Kuroo smiled, turning his head as our train pulled into the station. He offered a hand, helping me up. <br/>"That would be more than alright, Kozume."</p><p>My coffee had gone cold from waiting outside, but I finished it anyways. Kuroo sat next to me reading that same book from Andes. <br/>I suppose he had ordered a copy. His glasses sat low on the bridge of his nose.</p><p>Nekoma High was more inviting in the early morning. Without a student infestation, it had pleasantly spacious quality.</p><p>We walked around the side to the gym and Kuroo took out his key ring. He took the first key and unlocked the gym. <br/>"Go sit on the bench, I'll be back right after I change."</p><p>I hadn't been inside Nekoma's gym before. The ceiling was high and there were large windows close to the top. Pale morning light washed over the wood floors. <br/>Kuroo returned wearing shorts and a T-shirt. <br/>Before he stepped inside the gym, he hovered at the door, taking it all in. There was something ritualistic about the way he paused.</p><p>I watched as he set up the net and dragged out some baskets of volleyballs.</p><p>"Do you want any help?"</p><p>"I'm ok. Usually this is a team activity... but I've got a deal with them right now. Early practice, I do the early set up."</p><p>The door opened. Kuroo turned, bowing his head respectfully. An old man in a red and white track suit came in, softly closing the door.</p><p>"How many more times are you gonna do this, Kuroo?", he laughed, shaking his head. His face was kind. Kuroo grinned slyly. <br/>"Actually, we've got a visitor today, Coach. Kozume Kenma, 2nd year. He'd like to watch our practice, if that's alright."</p><p>There was a strange and mischievous edge to his voice. <br/>The coach directed his gaze towards me. I bowed my head, mimicking Kuroo. <br/>"Kozume Kenma, is it?" <br/>The old man stretched, cracking his back. <br/>"Well, I suppose we could have an audience for today." <br/>He chuckled and came to sit on the bench next to me as a boy with a buzzcut enter the gym. <br/>I watched Kuroo wave.<br/>"Mornin, Kai!", he yelled as he stretched. Kai nodded in response, beginning a lap around the gym. He was shortly joined by a smaller boy, who's black hair hung limply around his face.</p><p>"Shibayama!"</p><p>I watched as Kuroo sent a ball hurtling towards him, catching him off guard. He yelped, but still managed to receive it, though he didn't have much control. <br/><br/>"Good! We'll work on it! Do some laps. Get warm."</p><p>Shibayama stiffened, "Yes, captain!" <br/>Next to me, the coach laughed.</p><p>"I've been running this team for many, many years. It's always interesting."</p><p>I nodded, not sure what to say. Slowly, other players trickled in, joining the warmup or independently doing their own. There was a quiet, cat like guy called Fukunaga, followed by that scary brown haired boy I had seen a couple times. I learned he was called Yaku.</p><p>That giant silver haired guy, Lev, stumbled sleepily in the gym. He was immediately grilled into action by Yaku, who chased Lev around, threatening him over some comment from the day before. I watched Lev jump out of Yaku's reach as the small boy swiped at him. He could really jump, but he was much too loud.</p><p>I watched as Kuroo directed them, running stretches and drills. They were practicing serves and receives when another familiar face entered the gym.</p><p>"SORRY I'M LATE! MY ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF-" <br/>"It's fine, it's fine, just jump in. Go do some receives on that side after you've stretched."</p><p>Yamamoto grinned and pulled his leg into a calf stretch. After a couple minutes, I watched him move over to the receiving side of the net.<br/>I shifted my focus back to Kuroo. He really seemed to be in his element, focusing on each individual player, while still working to prefect his own serves.</p><p>I snuck a glance at the coach next to me. He sat back calmly, watching.</p><p>I could see  pride flickering in the old man's eyes.</p><p>"Ok, let's-" Kuroo called out, as if to lead the team into another activity. <br/>"ON YOUR RIGHT!" <br/>I ducked instinctively as a volleyball came whistling past. <br/>"Sorry!" I looked up, face to face with Yamamoto. Confusion furrowed into his brow.</p><p>"Kozume?"</p><p>Kuroo looked at me, arching an eyebrow, "You two know each other?"</p><p>I nodded. "He sits behind me in class.", Yamamoto explained. "What are you doing here?"</p><p>"Kenma wanted to come to practice today.", Kuroo shrugged.</p><p>I burned under the attention of the full team.</p><p>"Wait, wait, wait, wait. <em>This </em>Kenma is <em>that </em>Kenma?", Yaku exclaimed. I didn't like how he was looking at me. <br/>Was I missing something? <br/>Yaku turned to face the rest of the team.</p><p>"This guy is the reason we've had to do morning practices? This is your student? Are you serious?"</p><p>He turned back to me. <br/>"I know you. I've seen you hanging around behind the gym. Do you even like volleyball?"</p><p>I didn't know what to say. I looked to Kuroo, who was desperately trying to regain control of the situation. <br/>"Look, Yaku, we need a setter. We can't keep-"<br/>"Then train someone who's already on the team? I'm sorry, but this clearly isn't-I'm tired of having to-"</p><p>Coach Nekomata stood up.</p><p>Everyone immediately stopped talking.</p><p>He looked to Kuroo, then to Yaku. The smile on his face looked like Kuroo's, before he was about to say something particularly tricky.</p><p>"We can settle this easy. A four for three. First team of four to reach three points wins. We can quickly decide and get on with our day. If Kuroo's team wins, we'll do mornings. If Yaku wins, we'll switch back to afternoons.<br/>We'll work off our starting line up. Yaku will have Yamamoto, Kai, and Inuoka."</p><p>He paused, surveying the rest of the players.</p><p>"Kuroo will have Lev, Shibayama for defense, and Kozume."</p><p>I felt like I hadn't heard him correctly. I turned to look at the old man, who tipped his head back in a chuckle.</p><p>"Well, you did show up for practice today, didn't you?"</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. The Four to Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I felt like I was going to throw up. <br/>I felt like my stomach had been filled with nails, wrapped in barbed wire, and smacked around like a piñata at a child's birthday party. <br/>I felt like-</p><p>"Stop." Kuroo lightly touched me on the arm. His voice was little more than a whisper.</p><p>"I know you're freaking out right now. I want you to stop. Take off your jacket and put it on the bench. Roll up your sleeves."</p><p>He spoke so softly and measured.</p><p>"Don't get all neurotic up in your head. I'm not going anywhere if we lose. I really do like hanging out with you, Kenma."</p><p>His light touch on my forearm turned to a small push. I stepped foreword, raising my head to look at Lev and Shibayama, who seemed less than enthused.</p><p>"Play for yourself. I want you to show them what you can do."</p><p>I looked at Kuroo. He nodded, returning to full volume. "Let's circle up."</p><p>Lev and Shibayama closed in, Lev stepping glumly. "You know, captain, I'm pretty pro afternoon practice.", Lev muttered.</p><p>Kuroo fixed him with a glare. <br/>"If you try to throw this game, I will make sure you don't start for the rest of my time here. Maybe even after that..."</p><p>Lev paled.</p><p>Kuroo clapped him on the back, laughing.</p><p>"Formation wise, we'll play in a bit of a diamond. Kenma will be center the front of the net. Lev, you'll be on the left, but stagger back just a bit so you can assist in defense, God help us. <br/>I'll mirror you from the right. We'll need to be able to do a lot of movement. <br/>Shibayama, you're going to canvas the back. We'll do the best we can to support you. As for our playing strategy.."</p><p>Kuroo looked at me, expectantly. The two other boys swiveled their focus. <br/>I took a deep breath and tried to speak at a volume other human beings were actually capable of hearing.</p><p>"They're going to take first point. I just need.. I need to watch how they work once. Then I'll know. I think."</p><p>I felt so stupid in my school uniform, next to the other boys in their gym clothes.</p><p>I realized that this was my first real time playing with people. Or at least people who weren't junior high kids.</p><p>Their formation was similar to ours, but tighter towards the front. Yaku had confidently taken the entire back of the court. I flicked a glance towards Shibayama. He looked almost as nervous as I felt. I gathered he didn't play often. Kai served the ball to our side.</p><p>Breath. Control. Process.</p><p>Shibayama recieved it, sending it to Kuroo. Kuroo tried to do a cross shot, but Inuoka jumped up like an excited puppy, sending his ball back with a one touch. <br/>I knew Kuroo could hit harder. He had done that on purpose so I could see the way their team would interact. Yaku put the ball up. It went to Yamamoto... who spiked it hard into my chest, knocking me down. The ball went flying off the court.</p><p>I looked up at the boy from the floor. He stared back. <br/>"I won't go easy on you. I hope you didn't expect me to, Kozume."</p><p>Coach Nekomata blew his whistle. First kill for Team Sleeping In.</p><p>"Are you ok?", Kuroo asked. I nodded, wincing slightly as he pulled me off the floor.</p><p>Yamamoto served. Shibayama received it, yelping slightly as the ball thundered against his hands. I heard Kuroo yell praise to him.</p><p>Inuoka and Kai were already gravitating towards Kuroo, whether they could tell it was a conscious action or not. <br/>They knew I had only practiced with him. <br/>I could tell that the general consensus of the room, especially after I got knocked down by Yamamoto's kill, was that I was weak.</p><p>They weren't wrong.</p><p>It would make sense that I would seek comfort in familiarity. I aided this logic by angling my body towards Kuroo and taking a step in his direction, as the ball floated towards me. At the last second before contact, I looked towards Lev, and flicked my eyes upwards to the ceiling. <br/>By some miracle, he got the message, and launched himself at full height into the air. <br/>I set the ball to meet him and he smashed it down into the court, hard.</p><p>Minus a ill executed dive from Yamamoto, he had been virtually undefended. Just as I had anticipated. I heard Yaku berate his group, as Lev howled in excitement.</p><p>Their first mistake was making assumptions about me. I didn't need anyone to go easy on me.</p><p>Their second mistake would be to think we didn't have tricks of our own.</p><p>I looked at Kuroo, who gave me a curious stare. <br/>"I was thinking about those kids at the park, from the other day." <br/>Kuroo grinned. I could tell he understood what I was saying.</p><p>Lev gave a shaky serve, but it made it over. "Sorry!"</p><p>Kai hit it back over the net.</p><p>Shibayama received, but accidentally sent the ball flying over the net, once again.</p><p>"Chance ball!", Yaku called out. He sent it to Yamamoto, who eyed me with a vengeance. <br/>He was going to do exactly what he had done to me the first time. <br/>Yamamoto jumped. <br/>I stepped to the side and back, pulling Kuroo into my place just as he made contact with the ball. </p><p>I knew my blocks weren't good. <br/>I did know, however, who could handle that kind of shot.</p><p>Kuroo sent the ball back, "One touch!", causing Lev to run and hit it back into the court boundaries. I moved, guiding myself with my left foot to intercept it. <br/>Kuroo and I made eye contact, again. I sent the ball high, over to him. The blockers on the other side of the net jumped, but it was premature. Kuroo jumped as they sunk back to the ground, completing a clean line shot.</p><p>A perfect delayed time attack.</p><p>It would take one more point to win.</p><p>It was my turn to serve. We hadn't practiced that much yet. I knew I needed to release the ball before I hit it, along with a couple other rules and forms that were getting jumbled in my mind.</p><p>I served the ball underhand and sent it rocketing into the net. The coach blew his whistle. Two to two. <br/>I heard Yaku and Yamamoto snort. <br/>My face burned with embarrassment.</p><p>"Shake it off!", Kuroo yelled back. <br/>I returned to my place in the front.</p><p>Inuoka served. Kuroo backed up, receiving the ball. Was he- he was sending it to me. <br/>The blockers began to move towards Lev.</p><p>Third mistake. <br/>I always had been used to doing things by myself.</p><p>I thought back to a move I had seen in one of Kuroo's videos. I hadn't tried it before, but it seemed easy...</p><p>I jumped, like I was going to send it to Lev, but I took my left hand and lightly pushed the ball over the net. A setter dump.</p><p>I watched it fall in slow motion.</p><p>Yaku realized what was happening first. He dived for the ball, but in his confidence he had trapped himself in the back of the court. <br/>There was no way he could get there in time. <br/>The blockers around Lev stumbled over themselves, trying to dig it up.</p><p>As the ball hit the ground, the players on the other side of the net fell in a heap at my feet.</p><p>I stared down at the group.</p><p>Yaku and Yamamoto looked like they were trying to kill me with their eyes.</p><p>I simply turned away, going back to the bench as Nekomata sounded the last whistle.</p><p>Kuroo was doubled over, laughing, "You guys should see your faces!"</p><p>Yaku growled. I caught his eye again, but quickly looked away.</p><p>Coach Nekomata pulled out a clip board, making a note. <br/>"Well, I'll send in an order for another uniform."</p><p>He looked up at me. I paled. Uniform?</p><p>"We are going to have to work on your blocks and court mobility, some, but that was truly excellent work as a setter. <br/>Kuroo, which number are we missing?"</p><p>Kuroo grinned. "Five."</p><p>Coach Nekomata turned to the team. <br/>"What about Kenma's work today was effective?" <br/>"Uhhhhhh he was thinking and being communicative, kind of, in like a sneaky way!", Lev said. <br/>Coach Nekomata folded his hands.</p><p>"Exactly. The key to a good defense is thinking two steps ahead of the other team. It is also using your strengths and weaknesses to your advantage, which we saw a very unorthodox use of when Kozume had Kuroo switch with him to stop Yamamoto's shot. It was a unique tactic- maybe not the best to rely on in a real game. But it did accomplish what was necessary in the moment. <br/>A good player is a player who is using his head."</p><p>In that moment, I felt as visible as I had been when Kuroo first laid eyes on me. <br/>I looked at the Coach.</p><p>"I want you to watch with me for the rest of the day, then be ready to play tomorrow."</p><p>This isn't what I had signed up for, I never anticipated-</p><p>I think the coach read my expression.</p><p>"We'll talk at the end of practice."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. The Old Man's Wisdom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I sat next to Coach Nekomata for the rest of practice. I watched as the team ran drills, which helped me begin to understand their working dynamics as a group. Nekoma had a lot of strong personalities, but they were all working for the same thing. Kuroo was in the center of it all, managing and encouraging, the metal casing of their well oiled machine. </p><p>I also noticed their weaknesses. </p><p>Kuroo could emotionally manage the team, but they lacked someone to implement a strategic focus in their practice. There was a mild, almost undetectable lack of coordination among the players.</p><p> For the most part, Nekomata watched, letting the boys act independently.  </p><p>As homeroom period approached, practice ceased. It had went by fast. The boys worked together to wipe down the floor and put up their equipment. When Kuroo was satisfied by the state of the gym, he dismissed the team to go change. </p><p>"Hey. After school, ok?", he called to me from the door. </p><p>I nodded, slowly, watching him go. The door shut, leaving me alone with the old man.</p><p>"You don't talk much, do you?" Coach Nekomata chuckled, standing up. I didn't know how to respond to that. </p><p>"It's ok. I already know you're a good listener. C'mon."</p><p> I followed him out of the gym. </p><p>The pale early light had transformed into a vibrant anticipation of the day. The sun beat down on my neck. </p><p>"Once upon a time, Nekoma had a very skilled setter, but he graduated last year. He was good and smart.. but not always the kindest team member . He scared away most younger players we attempted to train into well rounded setters. Since, we've been shuffling among what we have, experimenting where we can. I'm sure it hasn't been easy to transition high schools in the middle of the year, nor do I wish to pry into your reasons for moving. However..." </p><p>The old man stopped to look at me. The warmth of his smile competed with the sun. I found myself thinking that if I had ever known some grandfather, or even a great uncle, I would have hoped they resembled him. He spoke easily, plainly. It made me feel less on edge about what was being asked of me. </p><p>"However, we are incredibly excited and honored that you're here, Kozume. Regardless if you join our team or not." </p><p>I let his words wash over me. I took a breath. "How do I... I don't think I am good enough. To play. I don't want to let people down.." </p><p>We were almost at the door to the main building.</p><p> "There's an easy enough way to determine whether or not you'll let people down in volleyball."  </p><p>I raised an eyebrow, "What's that?" </p><p>"It's as simple as this," Coach Nekomata smiled deeply, "did you have fun today?"</p><p>I thought about it. I remembered how it felt to work in a group, to move outside of myself. It felt strange to have co-opted the methods I had developed for staying out of other's way into a competitive format, but it had worked. </p><p>I felt less alone when sharing my nerves about playing with Shibayama. </p><p>I remembered the way Lev had screeched with delight when I set him up for a successful spike. </p><p>I thought about Kuroo. I thought about how happy he had been, winning. </p><p>I would do anything to see that expression on him again. </p><p> I <em>had</em> had a lot of fun. </p><p>Coach Nekomata opened the door for me. "I'll see you tomorrow, then." </p><p>He walked ahead, down the hallway towards the teacher's lounge- but paused. The old man turned called out to me, "Back in my day, I was also a setter. I'm excited to get to know you more, Kozume."</p><p>As I watched him stroll away through the crowding halls, I found myself excited at the idea of learning from him, alongside the rest of the team. </p><p>Excited, but very nervous.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Outrunning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was embarking on my daily perilous quest - classroom to behind the gym- when a girl's voice called out my name. I turned around to see Sato Toga, flanked by two other girls. </p><p>"Kenma!" </p><p>I wish I could've ignored her, but eye contact had already been made. She trotted up beside me, hair swishing. </p><p>"Hiii-ii.", Her voice slid between octaves, pitchy to flat. "I just saw you and wanted to check in on how you've been doing!" </p><p>The two girls behind her exchanged odd glances. For the second time today, I felt like I was missing something. Before I could reply, she barreled on. </p><p>"Have you joined any clubs, made any friends? I bet a mid year transition has just been SO hard." The girls behind her bobbed their heads in agreement. I didn't want to engage in this conversation, so I shrugged. </p><p>Toga gave me a thin lipped smile, "I see." She took a step closer to me. </p><p>"I feel like you and I got off on the wrong foot. I hope you feel welcome here, and that you can see me as another helpful upperclassmen." The words she was saying were nice, but something about the way she said them made me feel on edge. I nodded.</p><p>Toga and her posse turned to walk away, but she stopped, causing the two girls behind her to bump into each other. </p><p>"I heard about your dad, by the way. I'm really sorry." </p><p>I felt all the blood drain out of my face. Toga smiled, then disappeared into the haze of the hallway. </p><p>I felt like I couldn't breathe. </p><p>I moved through the hall as quickly as I could, looking for a bathroom, accidentally bumping people as I passed, until I was able to lock myself in the stall.</p><p>You can ignore something for so long, you can outrun it, you can hide from it- but the chase won't ever end.Even here, so far away from where we had been, there it was- moving stealthily behind corners. Always close behind, always threatening to catch up. </p><p>I took deep, even breaths, pressing my palms so hard into the bathroom wall that they ached. I focused on that sensation, the sharpness of pressure on the heel of my hands. When I felt I couldn't  dig my hands in any harder, I raised my head and unlocked the stall. </p><p>I went back to class, feeling the heat in my fingers, feeling nothing. </p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0018"><h2>18. First Touch</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kuroo whistled, getting my attention. I frowned, "I am not a dog." He laughed.</p><p>"How was your day?"</p><p>I mulled it over, not wanting to even reflect that much about how my day had been. It had been very much for a very short span of time.</p><p>"Weird."</p><p>Kuroo nodded, "yeah. Definitely a strange one for everyone I think." I slumped against the side of the 8/11, thinking about all that had happened. He leaned next to me. Together, we existed in a pensive silence.</p><p>"Why do I have to be number 5? It's an unlucky number."</p><p>"Well, it's-wait. You're seriously going to join?"</p><p>I shrugged, then nodded. Kuroo's face lit up, gradually, then all at once. Happiness descended over him and he let out this huge, loud laugh.</p><p>"Are you SERIOUS?"</p><p>I was.</p><p>"Are you SERIOUS?"</p><p>I was.</p><p>He sat down and put his face in his hands, beside himself, grinning. I was a little taken aback by this big response from him. I felt self conscious and a new anxiety bloomed in me. If I could grant Kuroo such happiness, it was always possible I could screw up one way or another and take it away. Being invested in others was so terrifying, I-</p><p>Kuroo leapt up from the ground and hugged me, tightly. All the air left my lungs, but not in the same way as when I was freaking out. I felt so empty and whole, so held in this physical communication. It felt good to be touched by another human being. I don't think anyone had held me ever since I had gotten older. This kind of touch had only been reserved for young children and their parents, or romantic partners.</p><p>And I guess, now, friends.</p><p>Kuroo pulled back and put his hands on my shoulders.</p><p>"Kozume Kenma, we are going to go so far together. We can do anything."</p><p>I nodded, not quite sure what to say to that. Kuroo released me and shook off his seriousness, laughing to himself.</p><p>"What are you in the mood for, for today's adventure?"</p><p>I paused, thinking about it.</p><p>"Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to go practice together today?"</p><p>Kuroo beamed, nodding. Together, we headed for the train station.</p>
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<a name="section0019"><h2>19. The Stuff We Carry Around</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>I sat at my kitchen table, humming softly, doing homework. It was around 11. My mother had texted me she wasn't coming back until late, but hadn't defined late, unfortunately.</p><p>My hair was wet from the shower. Kuroo had run a hard practice, forcing me to receive against a mass colony of park going children who seemed more than happy to try to pelt me with balls. After some bruise worthy shots, I was starting to get the hang of it, but I had a long way to go in the stamina category.</p><p>I guess this was my life now... being a <em>sports </em>person.</p><p>Honestly, I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about volleyball yet, but I didn't want to let people down. The only way I could fight that pressure would be to work hard.</p><p>I let my forehead fall onto my text book. This was not going to be easy. I thumped my head against the book, then sat up.</p><p>The empty house stared back at me. We still had nothing on the walls, there was very little evidence of life beyond my shoes resting next to the front door.</p><p>I suppose it would be good to immerse myself in something away from all of this.</p><p>I shut the text book. There would not be anymore studying tonight, I wasn't paying attention anyways. I browsed my mental library of video games, wondering which I should play after I forced myself to eat something.</p><p>
  <em>Knock-knock.</em>
</p><p>Had my mother forgotten her keys again? Thank god I was still up, the last time she had done this, she went around the side of the house and banged on my window to wake me. I still had nightmares about a Sadako looking figure looming beyond my curtains.</p><p>I opened the door.. and there was Kuroo.</p><p>"Hello?"</p><p>He looked down at our welcome mat, then back up to me, then away over his shoulder. I noticed he was breathing hard, "Hi."</p><p>"Whatcha doing?", I asked, feeling immediately stupid.</p><p>"You know?", Kuroo said, leaning against the door frame in a fake casual gesture, "I just- I. I was-sorry, no. I'll see you tomorrow morning." He turned to walk away, but I grabbed his arm.</p><p>"People don't just show up to peoples houses at weird times."</p><p>Kuroo turned red, looking down. "I'm sorry-"</p><p>"Don't be sorry, just stop being weird and come inside."</p><p>Kuroo took off his shoes, ducking under the door frame. I pointed towards the kitchen table and he sat. He had his school bag with him.</p><p>I didn't know what to do. I am so deeply, generally clumsy with the feelings of others. How was I supposed to introduce some topic of conversation into this strange, heavy environment?</p><p>It was worse that I still couldn't read him unless he was doing the most he could to indicate how he felt. Kuroo slipped between roles too easily, kind of like me in away.</p><p>Captain, teacher, stranger who had come in to disrupt my life, friend.</p><p>This confusion reminded me why I avoided company.. but not truly. There was a great desire in me to fix whatever the fuck had brought him towards my house at this hour.</p><p>I could sense some new kind of ache in him that was painfully, personally familiar.</p><p>Kuroo got up, "Look, I-"</p><p>"Do you want instant ramen because I'm going to make some.", I blurted out. Kuroo nodded, sitting back down.</p><p>"It's all I've got, my mom's out late tonight.. uh, it's the cup kind so-", I mumbled, trailing off.</p><p>I turned around, looking at him. I felt the consciousness of his presence all over me, the way his eyes rested on me. I stared back. He waved his hand in front of his face, folding his palm around his chin, his eyes sad.</p><p>"Sorry for, yeah, it's.. stuff. Y'know."</p><p>I nodded, "I understand. I have.. stuff too."</p><p>He returned a nod in understanding, clasping his hands on the back of his neck, looking away. I examined Kuroo, flicking my eyes to his school bag on the floor. It clicked.</p><p>"Do... you-Do you want to stay over here tonight..to, to take break from your stuff?"</p><p>The microwave dinged behind me.</p><p>"Would that be ok?", Kuroo asked, his voice quiet. I hadn't seen Kuroo make himself small before. I felt the ache in me grow. Maybe I didn't know how to confront any of my <em>stuff, </em>but I was increasingly skilled in avoiding it. Kuroo could use some of that relief right now.</p><p>I feigned indifference, setting the cup-o-noodles in front of him.</p><p>"I mean, I need someone to play Mario Kart against. Haven't been able to do that, in a bit."</p><p>Kuroo smiled weakly and he relaxed a bit. I now knew there were dimensions of him I couldn't reach. I wondered if his stuff resembled mine.</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0020"><h2>20. By His Side</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We finished our noodles and I took out the trash. Kuroo hovered in the door behind me, watching. He had to bend a bit to stand in the frame, making his shadow cast crooked. </p><p>Kuroo borrowed some clothes to sleep in, since he only had his gym clothes with him. I gave him the largest shirt I had, but it still fluttered around his waist like a crop top. He giggled, posing in the bathroom mirror. I rolled my eyes as I brushed my teeth.</p><p>"Let's start wearing crop tops, what do you think?" He stretched his arms up, making the shirt appear shorter. I couldn't tell if he was joking or not, so I just shook my head. </p><p>We went to my room, and I became embarrassingly aware of how small and plain it was. Kuroo chuckled, "Your room is SO clean." I shrugged, "That's because there's nothing in it to make it dirty." </p><p>He went over and sat on my bed, crossing his legs. It felt very weird to have another person in my space. I navigated the tangle of wires beneath my TV, before fishing out my very unused Wii. I tossed it at him and he caught it, deftly. I turned the TV on and sat down next to him, "Scoot over." </p><p>We sat side by side on the bed, almost touching. I could feel the warmth coming from his body. Occasionally, our shoulders would bump together. </p><p>Of course, I was beating him in the game, but not badly. I let him get close, very close, a couple times. We were playing the Daisy Circuit when Kuroo snatched my controller out of my hand, cackling. He held it over my head as I tried to grab it back. </p><p>"Give it!" </p><p>"Just let me catch up real, real quick!" </p><p>"No!" </p><p>Kuroo moved his arm to his other side. I lunged across his lap trying to grab it and tumbled off the bed. I leapt up, trying to block his view of the screen. </p><p>"Heyyyy", he whined, trying to move so as to see behind me. "Think fast!" he tossed me my controller. I plunked myself on the ground, trying to gain back the advantage Kuroo had taken, but he was far too ahead. He raised his arms in victory.</p><p>"It doesn't count! You cheated.", I grumbled. Kuroo protested that interference was part of the game. I got up, shuffling in my flannel pajama pants. "I'm gonna get some water, do you want anything?" </p><p>"I'm good", he said, fiddling with the controller. "Hurry back so I can beat you again." </p><p>I rolled my eyes, slipping into the hallway. I resolved myself to buy more multiplayer games, this was actually pretty fun. </p><p>I poked my head into my mom's room, but it was empty. It was nearing 1:30 am. I hoped she would wander back soon. I checked the door, making sure it would still be unlocked for her. </p><p>After getting some water from the sink, I came back to my room to find Kuroo passed out on the bed. I moved to wake him, but he looked so peaceful in his sleep. I watched as his chest rose and fell, and found my breathing had synced with his. </p><p>I think I just stood there for awhile and watched him. </p><p>After a bit, I went into the living room and tried to get comfortable on the couch. It was freezing and we didn't have extra blankets. I laid on the couch for awhile as sleep hunted me, only to be kept at bay by how uncomfortable I was. </p><p>I got up, went back to my room, and tried to yank one of my blankets away from Kuroo, but he had wound himself within them. </p><p>Should I? No. </p><p>There was some weird invisible line in me that held me back from just laying down alongside him. I suppose if I just woke up earlier, if I slipped out of bed long before he did, he wouldn't notice. My eyes drooped with resignation. I slid into bed next to Kuroo, keeping as many inches of space between us as possible. </p><p>In the darkness of my room, I heard the soft whistle of his breath. I felt the disruption of his weight in my bed, how he created a divot in the mattress. My body felt so wired, so aware of the space he occupied. </p><p>I turned on my side, looking at him through the blank darkness. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. He Made Eggs</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I woke up to the pressure of someone poking my cheek.</p><p>"Hey. Hey. Hey. Get Up!"</p><p>I opened my eyes blearily. Kuroo was looming over me, dressed in his school uniform. I scrambled back, very awake now.</p><p>Kuroo went into my closet and tossed a uniform on to the bed. "C'mon! Get dressed, we have practice!" I blinked with confusion. It was 5:15 in the morning, still dark out.</p><p>Why the fuck- and then I remembered. <em>Volleyball.</em></p><p>I stumbled into my uniform and threw some gym clothes into my bag.</p><p>When I entered the kitchen, Kuroo thrust a plate of eggs at me, with a chopped up banana. "Eat quick, we gotta go. Good food, good stamina." He returned to the sink where he was scrubbing a frying pan. I was a bit dumbstruck, "Did you cook this?"</p><p>Kuroo nodded, "Yeah, your mom showed me where all the stuff was."</p><p>I shoveled the last bits of egg in my mouth as Kuroo stood by the door.</p><p>Together, we dove into the cool morning air.</p><p>"Your mom is super cool and super nice, by the way."</p><p>That was an interesting description. It was hard to imagine my mom as much of anything right now. "When did you run into her?"</p><p>Kuroo laughed, "Well, I got up around 4:30 to do a quick run. When I came back, she was sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. I scared her a bit, reasonably, but then we talked for awhile."</p><p>I paused. "What did y'all talk about?"</p><p>"You, mostly. She said that she worries you don't eat breakfast ever, so that's why I made the eggs."</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>He shrugged like it was no big deal. <br/>The October wind blew graciously. I watched as leaves moved down the street, swimming on little currents of air. I looked at Kuroo, who's hair stuck up in fifteen different directions.</p><p>The neighborhood around us was gradually regaining color as the slow moving sun misdirected the shadows. I thought about all the people still in their beds, tangled up in their dreams. It was nice to share this crisp morning, just the two of us.</p><p>"Thanks for letting me stay over."</p><p>"Of course."</p><p>I took a deep breath, "Do you wanna talk about why you came over, now?"</p><p>Kuroo looked down at his feet. "Not now, at some point maybe."</p><p>I nodded, understanding. Stupid, stupid. Stupid of me to bring it up. It was clearly private, whatever had happened.</p><p>"Just know I am here for you if you need anything.", I mumbled, feeling awkward.</p><p>I am constantly trying to communicate the incommunicable.</p><p>I think, maybe, I would've liked to have told Kuroo he was my only friend in the world, that being with him made me feel a complete and total happiness. I would've liked to tell him that whatever he was dealing with, I could help him, no matter how big or small.</p><p>But I didn't say that, because I guess I don't like to talk much.</p><p>We sat on the bench at the station, waiting.</p><p>"You know, you're really funny when you sleep."</p><p>I turned to look at him, my face burning. In our rush to get out the door, I had forgotten last night's embarrassment. Kuroo laughed, softly.</p><p>"I woke up and you were pretty much rolled on top of me."</p><p>"I-I'm sorry." I felt like my face couldn't get any redder.</p><p>"No, it's fine. You're very light, so I just let you chill there for a couple minutes until I had to move you so I could get up." I imagined what that must of looked like.</p><p>"I'm still sorry, I was gonna sleep on the couch but it was freezing-"</p><p>Our train began to pull in. The disruption of air blew Kuroo's hair around him. He smiled at me as it resettled.</p><p>"Kenma. It's really fine. I had a nice time last night."</p><p>He turned away, entering the train. "You do drool a bit, though."</p><p>"I do NOT."</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Practice, Pressure</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I helped Kuroo set up the gym. After, we went up to the volleyball club room. Kuroo took the second key on his ring, unlocking the small space. <br/>It was a comfortable, cramped room with a photo of a girl in a bikini taped haphazardly to the wall. I gave Kuroo a judgmental look, but he just laughed. <br/>"Yamamoto put that up." <br/>As we got dressed, Kai entered. Kuroo said good morning, whereas he and I just looked at each other. <br/>When we headed back to the gym, Kuroo did that little pause of his. After he took his breath, he entered the gym. I followed behind, curious.</p><p>"C'mon!"</p><p>I begrudgingly followed Kuroo as he began a lap around the room. Slowly, other members of the team joined us. It was quieter this morning than it had been yesterday. I felt the weight of everyone looking at me. <br/>I was a little behind, a little slower. <br/>I felt out of place.</p><p>We were doing a pass / set drill when Nekoma's other coach, a younger man named Naoi, entered the gym. <br/>"Circle up!"</p><p>We did. I was grateful for the reprieve. My chest hurt from all the exertion and my legs felt weak. Kuroo briefly rested his hand against my back, a small comforting pat. I did my best to stand up straight and listened.</p><p>"Nekomata and I talked, we're going to go ahead and switch to morning and afternoon practices."</p><p>This was met by a chorus of groans, primarily from Lev, followed by a yelp. I hadn't seen exactly what had happened, but I imagine Yaku had kicked him.</p><p>"We're doing this because we're going to be participating in more practice games with other schools, in order to prepare for qualifiers. <br/>We'll be playing Fukurōdani on Friday."</p><p>There was an instant and chaotic surge of noise. <br/>Kuroo raised his arms above his head and began chanting, "Bokuto! Bokuto! Bokuto!" <br/>Yaku drooped, "I hate his spikes, they-"<br/>Yamamoto threw a ball into the floor, "Let's goooooooo!" <br/>It ricocheted, hitting Fukunaga, who looked like he would murder at the blond boy.</p><p>I felt very overwhelmed.</p><p>Coach Naoi blew his whistle, recapturing attention.</p><p>"We'll be starting tomorrow with the new schedule. This game will also give us a wonderful opportunity to work with our new setter."</p><p>Everyone turned to look at me. I felt like I wanted to sink through the floor.</p><p>When we were dismissed, I noticed that more people had started passing to me in our drill. Whenever I missed in some way, I could feel the collective energy in the room drop.</p><p>When practice was done, I walked with Kuroo back to the club room.</p><p>"This is going to be SO FUN. I can't wait for you to meet Fukurōdani, well they might be a bit loud, but it'll be fine, if they try to scare you-"<br/>"Who's Bokuto?"</p><p>Kuroo looked at me solemnly. "My main bro."</p><p>I raised my eyebrows as a slight grin crept up on my face. <br/>"Your <em>main bro</em>?"</p><p>Kuroo blushed, embarrassed, "That's just how he and I are with each other."<br/>I laughed, softly.</p><p>After we were done changing, I found that Yamamoto and I were walking towards our class together. <br/>There was a very uncomfortable silence in our mutual awareness. I tried to walk a bit slower, so he could go ahead, but he did the same. <br/>I tried to pick up speed, but he did the same. <br/>"Aggghhhfhj", Yamamoto cried out indignantly. <br/>He matched my pace, stepping closer to me so that we were intentionally walking together, side by side.</p><p>Huh.</p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Hey, Hey, Hey!</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kuroo started coming by my house every morning to make me jog with him to the train station. <br/>I was getting stronger, leveling up, I guess. With each practice, volleyball became more familiar with me. <br/>I was also getting used to setting for other team members beyond Kuroo, though I hadn't really been brought into their group yet. I could tell Kuroo was doing his best to at least remain physically present around me during practice, so I wouldn't get stranded among people I wasn't quite used to yet. <br/>For the most part, Yamamoto remained abrasive during practice, but he and I had made a habit of walking to classes together. <br/>Yaku had even ceased being a fear inducing presence for a few short moments to show me how to bend my knees right while receiving.</p><p>I often felt over stimulated, light headed from all these new interactions.</p><p>The end of the week crept up on us. I watched the clock move slowly, slowly towards my first game. When the time arrived, Yamamoto leapt up, sending his chair clattering. <br/>He apologized to the class and began sprinting out the door, only to turn on a dime and point at me.</p><p>
  <em>Please, no.</em>
</p><p>"KOZUME. Come on." <br/>I felt everyone in our homeroom staring at me as I slowly rose from desk and followed him out the room.</p><p>Everyone was already in process of changing as Yamamoto and I got into the club room. <br/>There was a visible enthusiasm among the group. Excitement was burning a cool flame into the spongy carpet. <br/>As I slipped on my shirt, I felt that same heat in my stomach. It was an unfamiliar, troubling feeling that turned me twitchy. <br/>I could hardly stand still. I crossed one arm over the other, then uncrossed them. I felt like I could rearrange all the furniture in the room.</p><p>Kuroo looked up at me as he tied his shoes, flicking his eyes towards the door. <br/>I followed him out.</p><p>"How do you feel?"</p><p>I shrugged. <br/>Kuroo tried to poke me in the stomach, but i leapt back, "hey." <br/>"Use your words." <br/>I rolled my eyes, uncomfortable. "Nervous, I guess." <br/>Kuroo nodded, "Remember, it's just a practice game. Fukurōdani is great, but don't let them intimidate you." <br/>"I guess."</p><p>Kuroo's phone buzzed from where he had tucked it in the waistband of his shorts.</p><p>He opened it, receiving a call, but immediately shrunk back from the high amount of indecipherable noise on the other end. <br/>"Ok, ok, I'm coming! I'll see you at the gate." <br/>Kuroo laughed.</p><p>"Come on, we've got to welcome our guests." <br/>I rocked back on my heels, "I could just wait at the gym." <br/>Kuroo grabbed my shoulders, steering me forward.</p><p>I heard him before I saw him.</p><p>"HEY, HEY, HEY!"</p><p>Kuroo echoed it back. <br/>We turned the corner to see an exceptionally tall boy jumping up and down behind the fence. His hair was spiked into two gray points. When he saw Kuroo, he jumped up and clung to the gate's bars like a spider. A boy with black hair placed a soft hand on him, "Get. Down."</p><p>Kuroo opened the gate, immediately embracing the loud one, who, at this point, I assumed to be Bokuto. <br/>The two started yelling at each other in some strange, unique language that only very loud men can understand. <br/>The black haired boy bowed his head to me and I returned the gesture. <br/>"I'm Akaashi, you must be Kenma?"<br/>I nodded. I could tell I liked him, he had a calming and levelheaded presence. <br/>"I'm excited to watch you play."<br/>I thanked him, but felt the weight in my stomach return.</p><p>"Hey, Bokuto, this Kenma."</p><p>I was suddenly hoist into the air and brought to  eye level with Bokuto. <br/>"Look at you! You're smaller than I imagined!" <br/>Kuroo bust out laughing.</p><p>I did not know how to respond.</p><p>Bokuto put me down, bowing quickly. "Kuroo's told me a lot about you. This is gonna be great!"<br/>I nodded. I followed him and Kuroo towards our gym, walking quietly besides Akaashi, leading the rest of Fukurōdani.</p>
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<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Match Point</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I watched as Fukurodani warmed up. Bokuto seemed to have limitless energy. <br/>Akaashi set up a spike for him. He hit it down with such force, the ball bounced high off the floor, heading towards me. <br/>Kuroo grabbed the back of my shirt, pulling me out of the way.</p><p>"SORRY!"</p><p>I meekly waved my hand in response. <br/>Kuroo leaned low by my ear. <br/>"What do you see?"</p><p>"Loud, aggressive people. The possibility of having a broken nose after this."</p><p>He laughed, which made me feel a bit better.</p><p>"You're not wrong. Fukurōdani's playing style is based on power. Bokuto is in the top five aces in the country. He gives them a miraculous advantage."</p><p>Kuroo paused, grinning.</p><p>"However, he's temperamental. Stop enough of his spikes or score enough points in a row, Bokuto will shut down. Akaashi won't serve to him when he's at half capacity, which just makes him more upset. They have a system for reviving him, but it takes a bit. The other players are very talented, but also pretty manageable. That's the best time to get a point lead. The rest falls on our defense in maintaining that gap."</p><p>I paused, observing another of Bokuto's monster spikes. He cheered loudly, looking to see if people were watching him.</p><p>"Why is everyone in volleyball fucking weird?", I whispered.</p><p>Kuroo was overcome with laughter again. Across the court, Bokuto scrunched up his face. <br/>"What's so funny? Tell me!"</p><p>Kuroo grabbed the top of my head, shaking me like a soda pop. "Kenma's got jokes."</p><p>"I wanna know!"</p><p>"Sorry, it's a secret."</p><p>Bokuto yelled in protest, causing Kuroo to laugh harder. When he finally stopped, Kuroo held up his hands in a heart. Bokuto rolled his eyes and copied the gesture.</p><p>"Do you have a plan, though?"</p><p>I nodded. I think.. I think I did.</p><p>Before the game began, each team grouped up at opposite ends. We put our fists together in a circle. <br/>"Don't do it.", Lev said. <br/>Kuroo shook his head, "It must be done." <br/>He took a deep breath, closing his eyes.</p><p>"We are the blood that flows smoothly<br/>and circulates oxygen."</p><p>Kuroo opened his eyes and put his hand on my shoulder.</p><p>"So that the brain can work normally."</p><p>"LET'S GO!"<br/>Yaku yelled loudly. We echoed him, our voices echoing through the gym.</p><p>As we broke away from the circle, each member of the team touched my shoulder in the way that Kuroo had.</p><p>With each touch, I felt a surge of courage- a vitality that extended over my whole body and hardened into a single objective: win.</p><p>I didn't care it was just a practice game. <br/>I had their faith in me, however misguided or forced it may have been. <br/>I had Kuroo by my side.</p><p>We <em>must</em> win.</p><p>I took my place at the front. <br/>Kuroo and Bokuto went to shake hands, messing around throughout the whole process.</p><p>"Should we fist bump?" <br/>"What about a high five?"<br/>"Do you wanna do a tender embrace?" <br/>"<em>Bro."</em></p><p>In the end, they settled on Kuroo kissing Bokuto's hand, as if he were a princess. <br/>Before Bokuto could pull away, Kuroo gripped his fingers. <br/>"Loser buys dinner." <br/>Bokuto just laughed, "Then we're getting barbecue."<br/>"Oya?"<br/>"Oya, oya."</p><p>And just like that, the game began.</p><p>The goal was three. Take three points in a row. <br/>Fukurodani served first, Yaku easily received. <br/>I sent it to Kuroo and he spiked it down quickly. <br/>There was a chorus of whoops from the Nekoma side, Kuroo ruffled my hair. <br/>I locked eyes with Bokuto and held up my finger in a number one.</p><p>We served, they received, and Bokuto took the spike. We made space for Yaku to receive the ball, which he executed perfectly. <br/>I didn't have time to admire his incredible skill.</p><p>I jumped like I was going to set the ball to Kuroo, but flipped it to Yamamoto at the last second. He hammered it into the court in a cross shot. <br/>More celebration.</p><p>I made a point to look at Bokuto again, holding my fingers up in a number two.</p><p>He raised his eyebrows, giving me a hesitant look.</p><p>Kuroo and I turned, facing front. <br/>"I saw that, what are you doing to him?", he mumbled to me. <br/>"It'll pay off, you'll see. Wanna go to the park?"</p><p>The park has become a little joke between the two of us, one that meant- Do you want to do our delayed time attack?</p><p>"Yeah, I could go to the park now."</p><p>He smiled at me and I felt my heart leap upward. <br/>We served again. The ball seemed to float as it crossed the net. Akaashi sent it to a non-Bokuto spiker, who Yamamoto blocked with a one touch. <br/>I did a millisecond check in with Bokuto, who seemed perturbed he hadn't been passed to. Perfect.</p><p>I set to Kuroo, letting the ball hang in midair. <br/>The blockers jumped to stop it, Kuroo jumped after. <br/>I watched the way his body rippled with anticipation, just before the hit.</p><p>Cheers from Nekoma. <br/>Bokuto was looking, expecting. <br/>I held up a three.</p><p>"AghhhhhhHhHHHH AKAAAAAASHI!!" <br/>"Yes, Bokuto." <br/>"LET'S TURN THIS AROUND."<br/>"Okay."</p><p>He was angry now. This was crucial point. We served again. #2 stepped back to receive, sending it to Akaashi. <br/>He set up a nice, easy spike for Bokuto. <br/>I moved next to Kuroo, getting ready to jump. I could feel Yaku at high alert behind us.</p><p>Bokuto swing his arm back with tremendous force. Maybe my plan had been miscalculated. <br/><em>Here goes my nose.. </em><br/>And he sent it flying into the net.</p><p>There was a stillness across the gym.</p><p>I looked up at Bokuto, holding up a four.</p><p>His eyes widened. The points of his hair seemed to droop downwards. <br/>"Not this..", I heard someone from Fukurodani mutter.</p><p>"AKGAAAAASSSHI." <br/>"Yes, Bokuto."</p><p>He turned away dramatically, like some maiden in an Elizabethan tragedy.</p><p>"DON'T pass to me ANYMORE!" <br/>"Why."</p><p>Bokuto pointed at me, "HE'S gonna do it AGAIN."</p><p>I felt a confused expression onto my face, cocking my head. I felt Kuroo shake with laughter, then mimic my confused expression.</p><p>"Kenma, what were you doing?" <br/>I shrugged, shaking my head.</p><p>"NO-no. He's gonna look at me AND-" <br/>Bokuto held his hand over his head, making a five with his fingers, pumping his arm up and down. <br/>"It's CREEPY."</p><p>Akaashi sighed, looking at the other boy with disappointment, "Okay."</p><p>Mission accomplished. <br/>Yaku clapped me on the back, "Good work."<br/>I felt a surge of pride.</p><p>The rest of the game passed quickly. I felt like I entered some kind of trance state, my mind separate from my body as I navigated the match. <br/>Bokuto had eventually gotten out of his funk, but we were at match point.</p><p>Fukurodani called a time out.</p><p>We circled up around Kuroo. <br/>"Are we FINALLY going to beat them in a match?", Inouka asked, his voice full of wonder. <br/>Kuroo grinned, "It's not over yet."<br/>"How do we secure our win?", Kai asked, softly.</p><p>Everyone turned and looked at me, but for the first time, I didn't feel afraid.</p><p>"Let's try something new."</p><p>Bokuto was up to serve. <br/>"Hey-HeY-HEY!"<br/>He sent a powerful hit careening towards our side. Yaku dived sending the ball towards me.</p><p>All around me, our players sprinted to the front. <br/>We had run this once during a practice, but I still felt a slightly disoriented rush when I watched them pass.</p><p>I looked at each player and each blocker on the other side of the net. I ran through several quick scenarios, wondering who- who-</p><p>And then it folded together neatly.</p><p>I took a step towards Kuroo. Bokuto dived in front of him, dragging another middle blocker with him.</p><p>Only Akaashi could see my bluff.</p><p>I turned my gaze towards Lev, flicking my eyes up, like the first time I had ever passed to him. His face lit up as he launched himself into the air. I sent the ball to meet him and he drilled it into the ground.</p><p>Before I knew it, the ending whistle blew, and Kuroo had hoisted me by my arms into the air, yelling.</p><p>We had won my first game... even if it had just been a practice.</p><p>I felt really. Really good.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Gay Spider Sense?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We ended up playing two more matches against them before our practice was up. They won one, we went overtime into a never ending tie on the second. The coaches eventually called it, forcing us to clean up, though Kuroo and Bokuto protested.</p><p>I was very sweaty and very tired. My whole body ached. I was extremely ready to get into my bed... well, a shower was necessary- Was it?<br/>Yeah. It was.  I guess.</p><p>As I was getting dressed, Kuroo threw a hoodie on top of me.<br/>I held it up, questioning.</p><p>"It got colder out and you don't have a jacket."</p><p>I furrowed my brows. "I'm fine to make it home." <br/>"We're going to get dinner with Bokuto and Akaashi, remember?"<br/>"I-"<br/>Kuroo rolled his eyes, "C'mon it'll be fun. Put on the jacket. If you get sick, it's not going to be good for any of us."</p><p>I slipped on the hoodie, which went down to my knees. I had to roll the sleeves a couple times to access my hands. I felt dumb. <br/>However, once we stepped back outside, I was grateful for the warmth. As the adrenaline faded from my body, I discovered it truly had gotten cold. <br/>I could smell Kuroo clinging to the clothes, thankfully not sweaty Kuroo, but a clean, fresh Kuroo. The deodorant he wore that smelled like laundry.</p><p>
  <em>I really needed to stop being so weird all the time and noticing such explicit details about people.</em>
</p><p>"Hey, hey, hey!" <br/>Akaashi and Bokuto had changed as well. <br/>"How excited are you to buy me dinner?", Kuroo asked. <br/>Bokuto stuck his tongue out at him. <br/>"I'm gonna get so much meat. Meaty meaty meat. Meat times one hundred."</p><p>The two went on ahead, bickering. I was left walking next to Akaashi in a semi awkward silence.</p><p>I looked up into the deep, hazy darkness of the night. There was sky up there, hidden behind a curtain of blackness, punctured by sickly sweet neon street lights. I watched the tungsten glow turn my hands the yellow of the 8/11 sign, then the green of the station sign. <br/>Just like in the mornings, I found I liked the area around Nekoma High much better after the majority of students had left for the day.</p><p>"Was today your first game?", Akaashi asked. <br/>I nodded.</p><p>"You play well. You have good theories about the way people are."</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>The four of us stood on the platform. I felt very small against the three taller boys, I found myself unconsciously correcting my posture.</p><p>Bokuto slumped on top of Akaashi, his arms encircling the other boy's waist, his head rested on his shoulder. <br/>Akaashi patted the side of Bokuto's face, then said, "You're still sweaty."<br/>"I AM NOT." <br/>"You are." <br/>Bokuto let go of Akaashi, pouting.</p><p>
  <em>They're.. close?</em>
</p><p>Our train came. I sat next to Kuroo, sleeves dangling around my hands. <br/>Bokuto and Akaashi sat across from us. They were talking about something, probably volleyball related, when Bokuto put his arm around Akaashi. The setter leaned into his chest.</p><p>
  <em>They are... very close?</em>
</p><p>"You should borrow my clothes more." <br/>Kuroo leaned over, breaking me out of my confusion. <br/>"I look like I'm wearing a tent."<br/>"No, it's a thing. Over sized hoodies." <br/>"Definitely a thing.", Bokuto chimed in. <br/>Kuroo nodded, solemnly, "Bokuto, how do you feel about crop tops?"<br/>"For it. Absolutely." <br/>"Right!"</p><p>Kuroo looked at me, grinning. "One Kenma sized shirt in exchange for one large hoodie."</p><p>"No."</p><p>Kuroo made a mock hurt face, Akaashi chuckled.</p><p>The barbecue place was quite good. Bokuto had dubbed himself The Meat Master, he primarily grilled the food. I found myself relaxing, enjoying the company, the low hum of the restaurant, the presence of our group. I felt warm and cozy from the food.</p><p>Bokuto was animatedly telling some story about how he missed some train going somewhere. As he talked, he held Akaashi's hand, swinging it wildly as he gestured with his words.</p><p>Akaashi didn't seem to mind. He gazed at Bokuto, his eyes filled with gentle amusement.</p><p>
  <em>It clicked.</em>
</p><p>We paid the bill, exiting the restaurant. Kuroo and Akaashi ran back inside to use the restroom, leaving me with Bokuto. There was a tension between the two of us that I had been able to ignore for most of the night, but now that it was only him and I, it sat between us like a weight.</p><p>It was only a couple of seconds until Bokuto spoke, but it felt like eons to me.</p><p>"You two work well together. I haven't seen Kuroo this happy in a long time."</p><p>I raised my head, "Oh?"</p><p>"Nekoma has never beaten us in a practice match, either. I think you're going to pull them out of the rut they've been stuck in."</p><p>I paused, absorbing his words. "Thank you."</p><p>Kuroo and Akaashi returned just as Bokuto pointed at me, his finger resting on my forehead.</p><p>"HOWEVER. Next time. I will beat you."</p><p>I grinned, pushing his hand away.</p><p>"You won't."</p><p>We walked together to the station, waiting for our separate trains. As Akaashi and Bokuto's pulled into the station, Bokuto whirled around.</p><p>"Oh! You guys should come to my neighborhood Halloween thing, tomorrow. Invite the rest of the team, too."</p><p>Kuroo grinned, "We'll be there."</p><p>I had somehow forgotten that tomorrow was Halloween in all of the craziness that had transpired over the last month. I used to really enjoy that holiday.</p><p>The moon was hanging low in the sky as Kuroo and I sat down next to each other. The car was mostly empty. I leaned back, only to lurch forward as the train started.</p><p>"Thank you for bringing me to dinner", I mumbled.</p><p>"Thank you for coming", he replied, "I hope Bokuto wasn't too much."</p><p>I shrugged, smiling. He really hadn't been too much. There was one question that was burning a hole in my mind, though.</p><p>"How long have him and Akaashi been together?"</p><p>Kuroo folded his hands, looking out at the moon. "About a year. It was very obvious they liked each other since Akaashi arrived at Fukurodani, they were inseparable. There was about a month long period where Akaashi just stewed in silence and Bokuto would freak out whenever he saw him, so they both just ended up avoiding each other, which was so dumb. Eventually, Bokuto got his confidence and confessed to Akaashi."</p><p>He turned back, looking at me. "And the rest is history."</p><p>I nodded. I wonder how they knew they liked each other. I felt like that part must be so confusing. If I ever did like someone, romantically, I felt like I would never be able to tell if they returned the sentiment. Bokuto must have an amazing wealth of confidence to take a chance like that, especially if it was a guy.</p><p>And how did that work?</p><p>If you were a guy who liked guys, could you innately tell if another guy also liked guys?</p><p>Was there some kind of gay spider sense?</p><p>I don't know. I mentally filed it under "things that would really stress me out if they applied to me."</p><p>When we got off the train, Kuroo walked me to my house, like always. I hovered in the doorway.</p><p>"Maybe, sometime, I'll walk you to your house."</p><p>Kuroo laughed, shaking his head. "No way."</p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>"My house is horrible, nobody goes near my house."</p><p>"It's not that bad."</p><p>"Trust me. The one time you came over, you got a rare look at it without the rest of my family inside."</p><p>I decided not to push the subject. I turned to unlock my door, then realized I was still wearing Kuroo's jacket. I moved to take it off, but-</p><p>"Hold on to it, for a bit. It looks good on you."</p><p>My face felt weirdly hot. I stammered a goodnight and a thank you. Kuroo gave me an easy wave as he moved down the street.</p><p>"See you tomorrow, Kozume!"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. The Nekoma-Fukurodani Halloween Block Party</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"How did I know?"</p><p>"How did you know, what?"</p><p>"How did I know you were going to be lame?"</p><p>A tall, grumpy skeleton stood before me (Kuroo in face paint and a long cloak). I shrugged, costumeless. He turned around, scanning the area, before going into the neighbor's yard.</p><p>"What are you DOING" I hissed, darting my eyes down the street to see if people were watching. The neighbors next door had put out jack-o-laterns, a Western trend that had been growing popular in Japan.</p><p>Honestly, I didn't really get it.</p><p>Why put all that effort into something that was just going to rot?</p><p>They had given their pumpkins well carved faces and accessories- a pointy toothed pumpkin with a witch hat, a round eyed pumpkin with cat ears, and a pumpkin with two bolts sticking out it's head like Frankenstein.</p><p>Kuroo snatched the cat ears.</p><p>"You can't DO that."</p><p>He grinned, shrugging "I kinda just did, though." Kuroo moved to put the cat ears on my head, but I dodged his reach. I weaved back in forth down our street, not letting him catch me until the we got to the station. By then, I was too tired to protest anyways. Kuroo adjusted the ears.</p><p>"Awww, you're a kitten!"</p><p>"Shut the fuck up."</p><p>We rode the train for awhile, people watching, making up stories about the different commuters like we had on the way to the Sky Tree. It was funny to see a businessmen on his way home riding next to an entire squad of Attack On Titan cosplayers.</p><p>At the next stop, Lev, Yamamoto, Yaku, and Kai bordered the train. We waved them over.</p><p>Yamamoto was a werewolf. Yaku was a zombie, along with Kai. They had clearly struggled some with the makeup.</p><p>"I like your Satan costume, Lev.", Kuroo said, bemused. Lev was wearing great, spiraled horns and a skinny tail.</p><p>"Here we go..", Yaku muttered.</p><p>"I am not Satan, I'm a Chort.", Lev said proudly.</p><p>Kuroo snorted, trying not to laugh. "A what?"</p><p>"A Chort! It's the scariest thing ever from Russian folktales. A demon of total doom, son of the Slavic god Chernoborg! My mother used to tell me that if I wasn't good, a Chort would come and take my fingers."</p><p>Kuroo frowned. "What the hell?"</p><p>"It's also a type of monster you can fight in Witcher 3", I contributed, quietly.</p><p>Lev whirled around, almost hitting the businessman and the Armin cosplayer with his tail.</p><p>"I am NOT dressed like a VIDEO GAME CHARACTER."</p><p>By the time we arrived in Bokuto's neighborhood, we had added Inuoka to our party. He was dressed as a very happy pumpkin. The street was flooded with people: drunk adults stumbling around in Sailor Moon outfits, kids dressed as Dragon Ball Z characters chasing each other, and quite a few other people dressed as cats. <br/>It wasn't even dark yet.</p><p>We plunged into the crowd, Kuroo grabbing my hand in the process. I couldn't see where we were going, but after hearing a loud "HEY, HEY, HEY!" I knew we were headed in the right direction.</p><p>The crowd broke some and I saw Bokuto and Akaashi. Bokuto had on large wings and a beak.</p><p>"An owl, again?"Kuroo chuckled. <br/>Bokuto just smiled. "Every year, baby!"</p><p>Akaashi, like me, had a very low effort costume- though I couldn't tell what it was. He had a several leaves and sticks taped to his clothes. Akaashi caught me staring and sighed, laughing slightly.</p><p>"I'm a tree. He's an owl. I'm a tree."</p><p>I did everything I could not to laugh.</p><p>After they said hello to the rest of Nekoma and we said hello to some other Fukurodani players, Bokuto gave us a tour. <br/>His neighborhood got really, really into Halloween.</p><p>There were food stalls selling all kinds of treats, games, a costume contest, and a haunted house set up in their neighborhood park. Normally, a crowd this large would be very overwhelming for me, but I was safely encircled by people I knew. I noticed, however, that every few minutes Kuroo would check his phone. <br/>I wondered what was up?</p><p>"Let's go to the haunted house!" Inuoka suggested, bouncing up and down.</p><p>We agreed, entering the queue. A girl dressed as Sadeko was directing groups at the front, smiling creepily. Bokuto back pedaled, "No, no, no, no-" but Akaashi dragged him in.</p><p>Everyone was split up into groups of two. Kuroo and I went in together, only to plunged in immediate darkness.</p><p>"Are you scaaaaared?" he asked, trying to be creepy.</p><p>"No.", I answered, bluntly.</p><p>I really wasn't. I went through a phase in junior high where I exclusively played horror video games. I was extremely desensitized to jump scares.</p><p>"WELL YoU ShOUld BE ScARed!", cackled a man wielding an ax as he popped out from the shadows.</p><p>Eh. I'd seen it before.</p><p>Kuroo, on the other hand, screamed so loud I thought my ear drums would burst. He dug his nails into my arm, pushing me in front of him. The ax man disappeared.</p><p>I turned around, frowning, "Were you just trying to sacrifice me to the ax murderer?"</p><p>"Noooo.."</p><p>I rolled my eyes. "Come on, we got more house to get through."</p><p>Kuroo gulped, "Or we could just stay here?"</p><p>I shook my head, smiling.</p><p>"Let's hold hands so you don't get lost", Kuroo muttered. <br/>I had gotten used to be dragged towards, through, or out of the way by Kuroo- but we had never openly acknowledged it. Usually, he would just grab my shirt or my wrist or my hand without saying anything.</p><p>My stomach flipped as he intertwined his fingers with mine.</p><p><em>I feel this way because this is awkward</em>, I thought, firmly.</p><p>We went through the house. With each jump scare, Kuroo would grip my hand so tight I thought my fingers would break. After the second time, I started squeezing his hand back in reassurance. By the time we made it to last room, albeit chased by a chainsaw man, he and I were laughing. I dragged him out the back entrance.</p><p>Kuroo's skeleton makeup gleaned in the setting sun. I released his hand, wiping my palm on my jeans.</p><p>"You're sweaty."</p><p>He stuck his tongue out, "You're sweaty."</p><p>"Hey!" We spotted the rest of Nekoma and Fukurodani coming towards us, some still pale from the haunted house.</p><p>"Don't tell people I was a little bitch", Kuroo whispered.</p><p>"We heard SO much screaming", Yaku laughed.</p><p>Kuroo shrugged, "All Kenma."</p><p>"Absolutely", I said as monotonously as possible.</p><p>The group erupted into laughter and something in me glowed. Kuroo looked down at his phone again, "Ah. Shit."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>He turned, looking sheepish.</p><p>"I've gotta dash to Shibuya. I'm meeting up with my girlfriend and her friends for the big Halloween celebration they have there."</p><p>Everyone boo'd him. Kuroo put up his hands defensively as Bokuto poked him over and over in the chest.</p><p>"Disgusting. Disgusting. Straight people? DISGUSTING."</p><p>Kuroo just laughed, "I know, I know." He waved at everyone and wished us a safe night, pausing to ruffle my hair as he often did before he left. <br/>"See you guys on Monday!" <br/>There was a chorus of "see yous".</p><p>I felt strange. Like I had been punched or something.</p><p>I think Bokuto noticed, because he dropped an arm around my shoulders, "Do you want a candy apple? Let's go get candy apples." I walked between him and Yaku towards the food area.</p><p>The rest of the night was still quite fun. Yamamoto and I got in an intense bean bag throwing tournament. I even let Lev and Inuoka drag me into a dance circle, though I just stood next to Kai the whole time. <br/>Bokuto and Akaashi stayed close by, except for when Bokuto convinced Akaashi to do the couples costume contest with him.</p><p>The winner of the contest was determined by applause. With all of Fukurodani and about half of Nekoma yelling their heads off, they secured 3rd place. There was a lot of muttering among the crowd as a very red faced Akaashi, with his leaf taped jacket, accepted the crown.</p><p>There was a small bit of a different kind of muttering when Bokuto planted a giant kiss on Akaashi, but we made sure to avoid that section of the crowd for the rest of the night.</p><p>As it neared 1 am, the party started to dissipate. We waved our goodbyes to Fukurodani. Bokuto picked me up in a big, spine crushing hug and promised to see me soon. Akaashi and I shook hands, warmly.</p><p>I watched the two of them walk away, hand in hand, silhouetted in the orange glow of street light.</p><p>They looked happy.</p><p>I sat next to Yaku on the train, sharing a bag of sweets with him. He had, somehow, acquired Lev's Chort horns. Lev was asleep on Yaku's shoulder, snoring softly. <br/>Yamamoto stood above me, slumping forward, also on the verge of sleep. Every few minutes his eyes would flutter closed and I would poke him. <br/>"Thanks." <br/>Close. <br/>Poke. <br/>"Thanksss."</p><p>It went on like that for awhile.</p><p>Slowly, everyone exited the train and I was alone. I sat for awhile, finishing Yaku and I's bag of candy.</p><p>Our neighborhood was quiet by the time I arrived. It was nearly 2 am. <br/>I wondered if Kuroo had stumbled home yet. <br/>I wonder if he was safe in bed. <br/>Should I text him? <br/>No, that would be weird.</p><p>I walked down empty streets, listening to the sound of my own footsteps.<br/>A gust of wind disrupted the silvery silence, cutting through the trees and raising goose bumps on my arms. The flowers of window sill gardens drooped their heads under the bitter autumn air, dreaming of warmer days. <br/>I could almost feel the atmosphere around me begin it's shift into winter.</p><p>It had been a long time since I walked home alone after dark.</p><p>I turned on to my street, pausing at the neighbor's house. The jack-o-lanterns cast an eerie, flickering glow against the otherwise unlit building. <br/>Cautiously, I crept up to their front porch, taking the cat ears off my head and placing them back on the pumpkin.</p><p>I had just been borrowing them, anyways.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Whatever</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sunday passed uneventfully. I woke up late for the first time in weeks. I found my mom in the kitchen and we sat down for lunch together. <br/>I asked her if she had done anything for Halloween. <br/>She said no. <br/>We ate in silence for awhile.</p><p>"Did you- did you hang out with your friend Kuroo?" <br/>I nodded. <br/>A shiver of a smile made it's way on to her face. <br/>"He's a very kind young man." <br/>I nodded.</p><p>I sat in my room and played video games for awhile. As the sun glided downwards in the sky, I felt myself itching to move, which was entirely unfamiliar. I slipped on my sneakers and gym shorts, heading outside.</p><p>
  <em>Running fucking sucks.</em>
</p><p>I trotted around the streets, wheezing.<br/>It was cold, but I walked around for nearly two hours, going up and down the sidewalk.</p><p>I found myself subconsciously hoping to run into him.</p><p>The next day at school, I was preparing to make the journey for my lunch ritual of gaming, when Yamamoto slammed a hand on my desk.</p><p>"WOULD YOU-"</p><p>He looked away, embarrassed.</p><p>"Would you like to eat with us in the club room? We usually go there during lunch.. you can play your game if you want. It's better than behind the gym."</p><p>I could say no, but I remembered how much fun I had had on Halloween. Plus, that's probably were Kuroo was. Somehow, I had never seen him during the school day.</p><p>I nodded.</p><p>Most of the team was in the club room, lounging about. <br/>"Kenma! You came!", Inuoka said happily.</p><p>I had never been invited to eat lunch with anyone, at least not in any recent history I could remember. <br/>My stomach flipped at his words, a smile floating on to my face. I looked around, scanning-</p><p>"Kuroo doesn't eat with us.", Yaku said, bluntly.</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>"He's a committed man. I would be too if I was dating someone who looked like that.", Yamamoto laughed.</p><p>Hm.</p><p>Inuoka motioned for me to sit next to him. I took out my lunch, listening to the rest of them talk. Talk about girls, talk about their families. Talk about the latest movie they had seen or place they had been.</p><p>I just listened, but it felt... it felt really good to be included.</p><p>At the end of lunch, I walked back to class with Yamamoto.</p><p>"Thank you.. for inviting me.", I mumbled. <br/>"IT's WHATEVER.", He stammered back, looking away. <br/>"You're just.. part of the team, now, so I guess you should eat with us, if you want. I guess. IT'S WHATEVER."</p><p>We were both equally red faced.</p><p>Friendship, I think, is born out of looking at another person, saying "it's whatever", when you both know it's really not <em>whatever</em>.</p><p>It's actually quite a lot.</p><p>Huh.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. No Good Day</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The temperature had dipped even further. Kuroo was waiting outside as I frantically searched for a jacket, but the only thing I had clean was the hoodie of his. <br/><em>Ugh. </em><br/>I stepped outside, bracing myself for ridicule, but Kuroo just smiled.</p><p>"Glad it's getting good use."</p><p>I handed him a thermos of coffee. My mom had started making extra in the morning so I could give some to Kuroo when he came to walk with me to the station.</p><p>As we waited for our train to come, he and I tried to see who could make the largest breath cloud in the frigid air.</p><p>We got a very strange look from a woman on the platform as we loudly exhaled.</p><p>Practice was really good, we worked on a couple new offensive moves. I hoped we would have another practice game soon. I waved goodbye to Kuroo as he trotted off. He jogged backwards, flashing me a grin, bundled up in a wool coat.</p><p>"Go on ahead of me, I left some stuff in the gym. See you in class" Yamamoto said as I waited on him.</p><p>I nodded, slipping Kuroo's jacket on over my uniform, crossing my arms. <br/>The grass crunched under foot as I walked to the main building. Gray clouds sat low in the sky. I felt like I could reach up and touch them.</p><p>"Kenma!" <br/>I turned. <br/>What did she want? <br/>"Hiiiiiiiiii." <br/>Sato Toga was quick walking towards me in a puffy, white winter coat. She looked like a mini snow storm with her blond hair fluttering around her. I took a step back, wearily. <br/>Why was she always popping up? <br/>I don't think giving someone a tour on their first day meant that you had to be involved with them permanently. <br/>"How ARE you!" <br/>"Fine." <br/>"Did you have a good Halloween?" <br/>"Yes." <br/>"That's so, so great."</p><p>Again, she was saying nice things.. but she made me feel untraceably uneasy. <br/>Toga's eyes shined. <br/>"You know, I just saw you, and I wanted to give you a heads up because you're still new, you can't wear hoodies like that in school. It's against dress code." <br/>I furrowed my brow. <br/>"The handbook says you can wear a jacket over your uniform when it's cold.", I mumbled, softly.</p><p>Yes. I had read the handbook. <br/>I had a few very boring weeks when we had first moved to Tokyo.</p><p>"I knooooooow.", Toga sighed, "It just can't be like that."<br/>"Like what?" <br/>"It's way too big on you, silly."</p><p>I shrugged, looking at the ground. I hadn't read anything about that.</p><p>Toga smiled, "I'm just trying to help."</p><p>She turned on her heel, continuing the way she came. <br/>I took off the hoodie, folding it in my arms.</p><p>It was just better to not call attention to myself, whatever the reason.</p><p>Morning class came and went. The entire time I shivered in my seat, which was less than enjoyable.</p><p>I was on the way to the club room for lunch when I heard another familiar voice. <br/>"Hey, Pudding Head!"</p><p>Today was not my day.</p><p>I tried to walk faster, but Hitoshi yanked me back by my collar.</p><p>I had never known anyone with such a unique capacity to be this fucking childish.</p><p>This guy must truly believe we existed within<br/>some Western 80s movie. <br/>Wait, was he even in a sports club? <br/>I was...<br/><em>Had I become a paradoxical nerd jock?</em><br/>The thought made me laugh slightly.</p><p>"What's your problem?"</p><p>Bad time to laugh. Bad time.</p><p>"I'm just upset we haven't gotten to hang out at all, aren't you? I've missed you, Kozume."</p><p>Jesus Christ. I tried to duck out of his grip. It was one time. With one shirt. <br/>I guess the fight had been equally embarrassing, but it's not like there was anyone around to see it? This was exhausting.</p><p>"Kenma!" <br/>I turned to Yamamoto and Lev walking towards me. <br/>"Sorry, man. We need to borrow our teammate. Important business", Yamamoto laughed.</p><p>"What kind of important business are you doing during lunch?"</p><p>"Business-y business. Come on, Kenma."</p><p>My ears burned. This was all so embarrassing.</p><p>Lev looked down at Hitoshi, wrinkling his nose. <br/>"You're short."<br/>Hitoshi gripped the back of my shirt tighter. <br/>"I'm not. You're just a freak." <br/>Lev stepped closer, looming over the other boy. <br/>"No. You're short."</p><p>Hitoshi pushed me towards Lev, "Whatever."<br/>He stalked off.</p><p>"Ughhhhhhhhh that guy is SO annoying, he tried to mess with me over my hair when I first got to school. Are you good?"</p><p>I frowned.</p><p>"I'm fine. I didn't need you to step in."</p><p>"Don't be moody, c'mon."</p><p>I followed them to the club room. Yaku waved us in, "Hey, hey. Naoi came by, there's supposed to be a terrible storm this afternoon, so we aren't having practice after school. They don't want us to get stuck here."</p><p>I think it was time to dub today a shit day. I watched the clock, waiting for school to end.I didn't want to seem weird or needy, so I passed on texting Kuroo to ask him if he wanted to walk to the station together. I was in a bad mood anyways, I didn't want him to have to deal with that.</p><p>I tried, best I could, to live neutrally. <br/>I felt guilty whenever I felt anything negative. I didn't want the people around me to ever have to carry that. It wasn't fair. <br/>The idea of hurting other people through my own pain made me feel sick to my stomach. <br/>That sickness was surfacing some difficult memories I didn't want around my head.</p><p>I hated not being able to think about the good parts. All the bad had come with all the good.</p><p>I couldn't have the pleasure of remembering.</p><p>I was happy. I was on a team. My grades were good. I had a friend who I cared very much for.</p><p>None of this would've ever transpired if we hadn't moved.</p><p>We wouldn't have moved if he hadn't-</p><p>My body was built on rusty and feeble "What ifs." <br/>I could wish, hope, wonder, get angry, even. <br/>It was all meaningless.</p><p>The goal had always been to not let grief overpopulate my brain.</p><p>I didn't want to become useless, inarticulate beyond that specific and unproductive sadness. <br/>I didn't want to be like my mother. I was almost to the train station. Rain slid down my forehead. I just wanted to curl up in bed.</p><p>
  <em>I don't have an umbrella. Great.</em>
</p><p>Suddenly, I was yanked off my feet and thrown against the wall. <br/>My chest ached with impact. I looked up, staring into the eyes of Hitoshi and friends.</p><p>"What is your problem?", I spat, before I could hold myself back. Hitoshi slammed the palm of his hand into my head, knocking it against the wall. I slumped.</p><p>I <br/>Was <br/>So <br/>Tired.</p><p>"Can you just leave me alone?" I whispered. <br/>Hitoshi laughed. "You ruined my shirt. You move like a little freak. You hide behind other people-"</p><p>"You got egg in my hair", chimed in one of the boys. Hitoshi turned around, making a face. Blondie laughed, loudly. <br/>"Shut up!" <br/>He kicked me in the stomach. Pain erupted in my gut like a child's science fair volcano. I saw a flash of white in the corner of my eye. It was Toga and her friends. I didn't want to, but-</p><p>"Toga!", I called out horsely.</p><p>She turned. I could see her appraise the situation. If she was so <em>friendly</em>, so bent on <em>being nice to her underclassmen-</em></p><p>"Hi, Kenma! Hi, Hitoshi! Don't get caught in the rain!" <br/>Toga smiled, cheerfully. She kept walking. <br/>Blondie found this really, really funny.</p><p>Hitoshi ripped my backpack off my shoulders, dumping it out. A flutter of papers, my wallet, and my PSP came tumbling out. He picked up the wallet, taking out my ID and flicking it back at me, keeping the rest. <br/>"For the shirt, you know?" <br/>Hitoshi turned to go, "See ya, thanks." <br/>He spoke so casually.</p><p>"Jesus, who still uses a PSP.." Blondie muttered as he went to follow the group.</p><p>He lifted his heel-</p><p>I lunged forward- "DON'T"</p><p>-And slammed it through the screen, shattering the device.</p><p>The sky broke open, sending rain tumbling down. The boys scattered, ducking for cover.I just sat there on the pavement.Maybe it didn't matter. Having friends, doing well in school.</p><p>I was still me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Refuge</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I sat on the ground, letting the rain soak me to the bone. My whole body shook from the cold. <br/>I watched the ink run and puddle on my school papers.</p><p>I sat for as long as I needed and not a moment more.</p><p>I didn't have my metro card or any money. I shoved the shattered PSP into my backpack and as many of the papers as I could salvage.</p><p>My phone was still safe in my pocket, but who could I call?</p><p>I just wanted to figure this out myself.</p><p>I wandered back towards the school, the rain weighing me down. The front door had already been locked. I rattled the handle, uselessly. <br/>I walked around the back of the school.</p><p>Lightning ripped through the sky, followed by a crash of thunder. I jumped out of my skin.</p><p>Then, a glow. <br/>The lights of the gym were still on.</p><p>November, with it's cold drafts and iron wind, tore through my body, biting at any piece of skin or damp it could find. <br/>I sneezed.</p><p>I really did need to get inside.</p><p>I mentally rehearsed, "<em>Hi. I'm sorry to bother you. I lost my wallet. I'm just trying to get home."</em></p><p>Fucking embarrassing.</p><p>The door of the gym gave, softly.</p><p>There he was. Alone. <br/>Throwing a volleyball up in the air, spiking it to the ground.</p><p>If I was the type to cry, I would have.</p><p>Whether from relief, embarrassment, or irritation.. I didn't know.</p><p>I just stood there and watched.</p><p>Toss- THWACK. CRASH!<br/>Toss-THWACK. CRASH!</p><p>He was timing his hit against the thunder.</p><p>Kuroo threw the ball up, but the thunder came too late. The ball fell to the floor, rolling towards me. I picked it up.</p><p>"Hey."</p><p>"Kenma?"</p><p>I threw the ball back to him.</p><p>"What happened?"</p><p>I shrugged, wincing.</p><p>"Stuff."</p><p>Kuroo nodded. He threw the ball back to me.</p><p>"Will you toss for me?"</p><p>Of course. Of course I would.</p><p>We dragged the net out, setting it up. <br/>I would pass Kuroo the ball. He would spike it down, hard. <br/>We did cross shots, line shots.. over and over. I could tell he was practicing putting more power behind his hits. <br/>We moved in perfect sync, not even communicating. <br/>Just knowing.</p><p>The lights flickered in the gym, causing us to stop. Kuroo held the ball to his chest.</p><p>"What happened, Kenma?"</p><p>I just shrugged. My burdens were my own. <br/>Not his. <br/>He would make them his, make it his business.</p><p>"Stuff."</p><p>Kuroo looked up at the windows, watching rain race the glass.</p><p>"Someday, I hope that we don't just say <em>stuff</em> when something is bothering us. That goes for you and me. We're both guilty."</p><p>I looked at him. He looked at me.</p><p>"I hope that too, Kuroo."</p><p>I think I meant it.</p><p>Lightning flashed again, washing his face in a pale light. <br/>I helped him clean up, slinging my wet backpack back around my shoulders.</p><p>Kuroo stood at the door, "C'mere, stupid."</p><p>"Not stupid", I muttered.</p><p>Kuroo opened a great, black umbrella. We walked side by side. I could feel the heat coming off his body. He ducked slightly so that the umbrella would cover me better.</p><p>"You'd be failing on your stem subjects if it wasn't for me", Kuroo chuckled.</p><p>"Whatever, nerd."</p><p>He took smaller steps to match mine.</p><p>There was no information that could be revealed by the sun. Just blues and grays, drizzling. A fog rising from the street, blurring detail unless observed in direct proximity. <br/>The soft light of street lamps puncturing the clouds. <br/>Icy particles threatening my face. <br/>Swollen waves of thunder. <br/>Kuroo's hand, the handle of the umbrella.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. His Birthday</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><b>November 16, </b> <b>11:32 pm</b></p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                                                                                                         i</b>
  <b>'m sick.</b>
</p>
<p><b>                                                                                                                                               i </b> <b>think my cold </b><br/><b>                                                                                                                                            from that rain day </b><br/><b>                                                                                                                                                        got worse. </b></p>
<p><b>                                                                                                                                                i</b> <b>'m not going to </b><br/><b>                                                                                                                                                practice /going to</b><br/><b>                                                                                                                                                the doctor instead</b></p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                  KENMA</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                  u bitch</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                  I told u u dumb</b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                  fuck. PICKLED</b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                  PLUM.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                  IF</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                 YOU</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                 EAT</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                 THE</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                 PLUM</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                 YOU'll</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                 BE FINE.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                                                                                            why the fuck</b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                                                                                          would you send </b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                                                                                         each word as an </b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                                                                                          individual text.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                               BECAUSE</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                               YOU</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                              DONT</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                             LISTEN </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                                                                                         i'll block your</b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                                                                                         number.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                                                                                        and the plum</b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                                                                                       thing is a legend. </b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                                                                                       theres no science </b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                                                                                      behind the plums.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                                                                                      you should</b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                                                                                      know that.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                           RUDE</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                        do you even know</b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                       what tomorrow is</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                                                                                        the day I </b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                                                                                       have a doctors </b>
  <b>appointment. </b>
  <br/>
  <em>                                                                                                                                            Read, 11:56 pm</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>November 17, </b> <b>12:02 am</b></p>
<p>
  <b>                                                         did u</b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                         go to </b>
  <b>sleep?</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                         goodnight </b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                         lmao</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>5:04 am</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                        hey plague boy</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                        Just wanted to make </b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                        sure you were actually </b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                       not coming to practice</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                                                                                                I'm not. </b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                                                                                               this text woke</b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                                                                                               me up. not </b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                                                                                                               pleased.</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                       will i see you </b>
  <br/>
  <b>                                                       today?</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                                                                                                maybe idk</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                       oh, ok</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                       feel better</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>                                                                                                                                                thanks</b>
</p>
<p>I pocketed my phone, standing next to Kai in the cold air as he fumbled with the keys to the gym. He and I had convinced Nekomata to let him borrow the extra set, just for today.</p>
<p>My arms started to ache under the weight of the pastries I had gotten for the team from Andes. I precariously balanced a to go cappuccino between my fingers.  <br/>It had extra foam. Just how Kuroo liked it. Kai got the door open and I set the food down. Yaku and Lev entered, holding either ends of a great banner. They set about hanging in it up, Yaku barking orders.</p>
<p>Slowly, the rest of the team arrived.</p>
<p>Yamamoto and Fukunaga blew up balloons, scattering them on the floor. Inuoka arranged the pastries neatly on a table in the center of the gym, putting candles in the soufflé cheesecake.</p>
<p>Tamahiko and Shibayama stood watch. I took out my phone, checking the time. 5:33.</p>
<p>One new text from Kuroo popped up.</p>
<p>
  <b>THE TRAIN</b>
  <br/>
  <b>SMELLS </b>
  <br/>
  <b>LIKE CAT </b>
  <br/>
  <b>PISS TODAY</b>
</p>
<p>I chuckled softly. He was going to be so caught off guard. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Nekomata.</p>
<p>"You've done well, Kozume. This will mean a lot to him."</p>
<p>I looked down at my shoes, "It's really not much. And eighteen is an important birthday.."</p>
<p>"This is a lot nicer than my 18th.", Coach Naoi laughed, entering.</p>
<p>"HEY, HEY, HEY!"</p>
<p>Our esteemed guests had arrived, right on time. I turned to see Bokuto bowing to Naoi as Akaashi  hovered behind him. Naoi frowned.</p>
<p>"Are you skipping school to be here?"</p>
<p>Bokuto paled.</p>
<p>"Uh-uh-"</p>
<p>"We are skipping home room and fifteen minutes of our first class.", Akaashi answered, calmly. Coach Nekomata laughed, mock covering his eyes. "I see nothing, I hear nothing."</p>
<p>Shibayama dashed into the room with Tamahiko, "He's coming!"</p>
<p>We quickly turned off the lights. Kuroo fiddled with the door, making a surprised noise as it opened without him unlocking it.</p>
<p>Kai flipped the lights back on.</p>
<p>"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", We yelled.</p>
<p>Kuroo looked dumbstruck. He surveyed the room, seeing the food, Bokuto and Akaashi, the balloons, the giant banner that read HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST CAPTAIN.</p>
<p>Finally, Kuroo's eyes rested on me.</p>
<p>I wish I could relive the expression on his face, over and over.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. These Are My Friends</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The Sunday after, I sat alone in our coffee shop, studying for a test I had coming up in Japanese literature. <br/>
Kuroo was at a college test prep class, texting me under his desk how bored he was.</p><p>Every few minutes, my phone would buzz.</p><p>I sat between the plants and the window, watching the steam rise off the drink I had ordered.</p><p>"Kenma?"</p><p>If there is a God, he may very well hate me.</p><p>I entered survival mode, trying to make myself very small. I sometimes wish people had a defense mechanism similar to hedgehogs or turtles. <br/>
I would like to be able to roll into a spiky ball right now. <br/>
Ducking behind the plant was not successful.</p><p>Toga approached my table, plunking herself down. <br/>
"Hiiiiii!"</p><p><em>I do not like you</em>.</p><p>"Hello."</p><p>"How did you find out about this place?" <br/>
She leaned over, grinning. <br/>
I avoided eye contact. <br/>
"I live in the area."<br/>
Toga swung her bag over the back of the chair. I felt extremely uneasy as she got up and ordered a drink, bringing it back to <em>my</em> table.</p><p>"I think this is the best spot in the whole cafe, here. You've got the window, the plants. The bookcase there gives off an air of privacy. Don't you think?"</p><p>There was a strange, menacing hostility rising in her voice. <br/>
Was she crazy? <br/>
Was she a crazy person? A stalker? <br/>
Why did this girl who I barely knew continuously pop up in my life, creating small pools of difficulty behind a fake smile?<br/>
<em>What was her deal?</em></p><p>My phone buzzed from face down on the table between us. <br/>
Buzz-buzz. <br/>
Buzz. <br/>
Buzz-buzz-buzz.</p><p>Toga took my phone, flipping it over. Something about her face changed. She didn't look quite so pretty anymore.</p><p>Toga handed my phone back to me.</p><p>
  <b>THE KID </b><br/>
<b>IN FRONT OF</b><br/>
<b>ME FELL </b><br/>
<b>ASLEEP</b>
</p><p>
  <b>nobodys</b><br/>
<b>noticed</b>
</p><p>
  <b>im gonna</b><br/>
<b>see how many </b><br/>
<b>pencils i can</b><br/>
<b>fit in his back pocket </b><br/>
<b>before he wakes</b><br/>
<b>up</b>
</p><p>
  <b>i got four</b>
</p><p>I watched Toga take out her phone, checking the home screen. The look of displeasure on her face deepened.</p><p>I looked at her, seeing myself in her eyes, an uneasy face reflected back.</p><p>"I felt really bad for you. When the vice principal told me what happened to your dad. I was like jesus, that's awful. But I think.. I think that you just use that. You use that and you make yourself small so that other people will want to take care of you."</p><p>She smiled, sweetly.</p><p>I wanted to scream. <br/>
I wanted to get up and ask her what her problem with me was, why she wanted to antagonize me, to involve herself into my life.</p><p>But I didn't do anything.</p><p>I didn't do anything.</p><p>Toga took her coffee and her bag, going to another table, "Good luck with your studying!"</p><p>November had extinguished itself into early December. Small flurries of snow collected around my ankles. The memory of warmer months had long been obscured by frosty window panes, I felt like my vision was permanently clouded.</p><p>I bundled myself tightly against the cold, and against everything else.</p><p>Toga's words had been bouncing around my head.</p><p>I started avoiding Kuroo and the rest of my team beyond practice, as much as I could. I was always polite, always busy. Kuroo would try to ambush me, draw me into some new adventure, but I maintained a cool distance.</p><p>I didn't want to be the person that she thought I was.</p><p>Inside though, I ached. The familiar elements of October and early November had been reduced to memories and occasional conversation. I walked around anticipating loss, waiting until the memories were gone and the conversation progressed past moments I had been included in. I didn't want to remove myself from other people's lives, but I didn't want to burden them, either.</p><p>Kuroo nudged me with his leg, sitting beside me on the train.</p><p>"Are you coming today? Or are you <em>busy?"</em></p><p>He had known something was up for awhile but it was left undiscussed.</p><p>"Of course I'm coming. I got a good present for my person."</p><p>A week ago we had all drawn names for the volleyball club's secret Santa. It was the last day of school before our brief winter break, we aimed to have a little celebration after practice. Then.. I could hibernate in my room for a week. I had Inuoka for secret Santa. I didn't quite know what to get him, but I knew that he loved fried chicken and rice. Inuoka often fretted that he could eat and eat and never feel full.  I wasn't surprised, seeing how much energy he exuded. <br/>
After painstaking research, I determined the best place for fried chicken in Tokyo was Tokyo Karaage, which was located in the basement of JP tower KITTE. <br/>
I trekked there for a gift card for him.</p><p>By December, we had solidified as a team. Our defense and offense had become stronger, there was a collective itch to try out our new skills against another team. <br/>
At the end of practice, Coach Nekomata said he had a Christmas gift for us. <br/>
We sat patiently around him.</p><p>"I got an interesting call the other day.. and I think it's high time we reinvigorate our rivalry with Karasuno High School. The weekend we're back from break, we'll be doing an overnight trip to the Miyagi Prefecture for another Battle of the Trash Heap. They're apparently quite strong now, they've got a new crop of first years with some unique skill. They beat Aobajohsai in a practice match, recently."</p><p>Kuroo jumped up, bowing to Nekomata.</p><p>"THANK YOU SO MUCH, COACH."</p><p>We stood, bowing. I didn't really get what the deal was with these Karasuno people, but everyone seemed quite excited. <br/>
Coach Nekomata chuckled.</p><p>"You all go have your fun now. Happy holidays. Remember to train over break!"</p><p>We wished him the same. I had to jog to keep up with the rest of the boys as they bolted to the club room. Christmas lights had been hung to make it festive. Yamamoto pulled out a speaker and began playing a Jingle Bells trap remix, but Yaku shut him down, forcing him to play the original instead. We sat in a circle, putting our presents in the center.</p><p>"Who's first?" <br/>
"Let's go clockwise, starting with Kuroo!"</p><p>Kuroo chuckled, selecting a box. <br/>
"I got Fukunaga." <br/>
He passed the gift, which Fukunaga unwrapped carefully, so as to save the wrapping paper. His eyes lit up. Kuroo had gotten him a box set of Ken Shimura's early work, a Japanese comedian. I didn't know that Fukunaga was a comedy fan, he was almost as quiet as me.</p><p>Huh.</p><p>I was next. I thrust out my small envelope to Inuoka, feeling self conscious. <br/>
He opened it, then jumped up and down. <br/>
"KENMA! THIS IS THE BEST GIFT EVER! IVE BEEN WANTING TO TRY THEIR CHICKEN FOREVER IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO SO GOOD!"</p><p>I blushed.</p><p>"I'm glad you like it."</p><p>Next was Yaku, who got Kai a fancy hot chocolate set. Fukunaga followed, gifting Yamamoto a couple different colors of temporary hair dye, <br/>
"So you can make the -uh- blond bit different.. if you want."</p><p>Yamamoto wanted to make his hair green right then and there, but Yaku shut it down.</p><p>Shibayama got Tamahiko a fancy sports water bottle, along with some home made cookies. Yamamoto got Lev the Way of the Ace Tshirt. I snorted. <br/>
Lev gasped, "Does this- DOES THIS MEAN- you relinquish your power to me? Am I the ACE now?"</p><p>"No, idiot. You have a long way to go."</p><p>Lev pouted, but we could tell he loved the gift.</p><p>Inuoka got Shibayama a sports headband with his initials to keep his bangs out of his face. Lev, by some stroke of comic luck, was Yaku's secret Santa. He had bought Yaku an anger management book. As Yaku ran around the room trying to hit Lev with the book, a a couple of yen slipped out. Yaku mumbled an apology.</p><p>Kai got Kuroo a very ugly Christmas sweater, which he vowed to wear until the end of the holiday season. The two boys hugged each other, tightly.</p><p>I could sense a bit of sadness as it was collectively realized this would be the last team Christmas with the 3rd years.</p><p>The idea that Kuroo would graduate hadn't crossed my mind until now..</p><p>Would I even stay on the team after he left..?</p><p>"Kenma." <br/>
I was dragged out of my funk and into the present. <br/>
Tamahiko held a box out to me. It was neatly wrapped with a little bow.</p><p>I had never talked to him much. He was a bit quiet, a first year who wasn't in the starting lineup.</p><p>"I-I didn't know what to get you, but I know you really like video games. I heard that your PSP got broken.. so, um, yeah. I had an idea but, technically. This is from the whole team, because we all pitched in."</p><p>I took the box. It was heavy. Everyone looked at me, expectantly. I unwrapped the box-</p><p>"This is too much, I- I can't accept this."</p><p>"Shaddup, I can see you salivating.", Yamamoto laughed.</p><p>Kuroo shrugged. "What's the point of getting you a gift if it's not something that you're really going to love."</p><p>I looked down at the brand new Nintendo Switch.</p><p>
  <em>I can play Animal Crossing now..</em>
</p><p>"You have to let us play Super Smash Bros Ultimate on it during lunch though.", Lev huffed. <br/>
I nodded, "Of course."</p><p>I looked at all of them. They looked at me.</p><p>I didn't give a fuck what Toga said.</p><p>How could I have ever distanced myself from these incredible people?</p><p>We were a team.</p><p>We cared about each other.</p><p>These were my friends.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Traveling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was deeply struggling in Tom Nook's economy. I had stayed up the entire night playing on my Switch, having stopped by Tsutaya on my way home.</p><p>My eyes burned. It was likely time for sleep, to slip into some harmless dreams of fishing... I suppose.. Well. I could get some breakfast first. That way, I would be fortified for when I returned to my island. It was around 8 am.... I could sleep until 3 pm.. hm, yes. Seven hours would do. I stood, blearily, curling my toes into the carpet.I swung my body around the corner, scrunching my face under the harsh, non artificial light of the sun. <em>Agghhh</em>.</p><p>When my eyes adjusted, I found myself vividly hallucinating Kuroo sitting at the kitchen table with my mom.</p><p>"Kenma."</p><p>Huh?</p><p>"Kenma."</p><p>"Huh?"</p><p>Hallucination Kuroo looked bemused, "How much sleep did you get last night?" I held up my hand, making an 0 shape with my thumb and fingers.</p><p>Kuroo nodded, "I can tell." He clapped his hands, causing both me and my mother to jump, snaping me into reality. <em>What the fuck is he doing here? </em>Kuroo apologized to my mom, but she just laughed, softly. I watched her get up and pour a cup of coffee.</p><p>"Do you want any more, Kuroo?"</p><p>"No thank you, Mrs. Kozume!"</p><p>My mother returned, shoving the mug into my hands. I sunk into the chair across from Kuroo, "Why are you here?" I could tell he was trying to keep a straight face as he folded his hands on the table, like a job interviewer about to inquire on my personal goals. "I'm here to help you pack, our train is in a couple of hours." I let my forehead slam into the table.</p><p>"Whhaat are you talking about?"</p><p>"Kuroo came by this morning and asked if you could come on his family's vacation to Kurokawa."</p><p>The table felt surprisingly comfortable. I felt myself drifting off.. CLAP! I jumped up, alert again. Kuroo put his hands back down.</p><p>"Kenma. Qualifiers are soon. I am not going to let you destroy your body for the next week."</p><p>He paused. There was a strange, slightly desperate edge to his voice. Maybe it was just from sleep deprivation paranoia, but Kuroo seemed off. I watched him ramble on.</p><p>"Besides, it'll be fun! We would be staying at my grandmother's, just outisde the village. We can go on hikes, we can go to the hot springs, we can-"</p><p>"When do we get back?"</p><p>"Friday."</p><p>It was supposed to be my week of raccoon debt annihilation and insomnia, but.. something was bothering him. I also hadn't been out of the city in so long, my whole body ached for fresh air.</p><p>"I'll come."</p><p>A smile of relief flooded Kuroo's face, "Really!"</p><p>"Can I sleep on the train?"</p><p>"Of course."</p><p>I returned the smiled, pressing my elbows on the table to support my face with my hands.</p><p>I groggily flopped face down on my bed. <br/>"What do I need to packkk" I asked, my voice muffled by the pillow. <br/>Kuroo laughed, "You can just lay. I've got it."</p><p>I was about to protest him going through my stuff, but my bed felt especially comfortable.</p><p>I felt like I had only been asleep for seconds when Kuroo shook me awake.<br/>"Hey, lazy. Get out of your pajamas. We have to go." <br/>I protested. Kuroo grabbed me by my ankles, pulling me from the bed as I yelped, attempting to grasp the covers as a lifeline. <br/>I ended up on the floor in heap of sheets, looking up at him as he doubled over with laughter. I traded my pajamas bottoms for jeans and slipped on the winter coat my mother had recently bought for me. <br/>We took a train from our station to the Tokyo station. <br/>From there, we bordered a Shinkansen bullet train. Kuroo's family had bought my ticket, while he used a rail pass. Kuroo assured me it was fine they had bought my ticket, but I still tried to make it up to him by buying us lunch bentos for our journey. <br/>At 9:15 am we boarded, safely stowing our suitcases.</p><p>"Do you want the window seat?", Kuroo asked.</p><p>
  <em>I didn't want to take the window seat if he wanted the window seat.</em>
</p><p>"It's fine."</p><p>"Well, I'm glad it's fine because I need the aisle for leg room", he chuckled.</p><p>
  <em>Oh.</em>
</p><p>I pressed my face against the glass as we started to move. <br/>The smooth efficiency of the train carried us into new landscapes of field and snow, landscapes that would dissipate as quickly as they were conceived. There was no obvious way to tell we were traveling faster than 300 mph if you kept your eyes fixed in front of you. Only the outside blur could lift the dreamy illusion of stillness.mThe last time I had been on a bullet train, I had arrived in Tokyo. I looked at Kuroo, who was digging into his bento box, his cheeks stuffed with rice. We would ride the train for a little under five hours until we got to Hakata. At Hakata, we would take a bus another two hours to Kurokawa.</p><p>I allowed my eyes to fall closed, lulled by the ever shifting world just beyond the glass.</p><p>Kuroo would wake me up by viciously poking my stomatch everytime we passed through an especially good bit of scenery. </p><p>Around 2 pm, we arrived at the station. People were bustling all over the complex, trying to get to their holiday destinations. I remembered reading somewhere that Hakata was one of the busiest stations in all of Kyushu. I slowly rose my head off of where I had burrowed into my seat to find Kuroo looking at me, bemused. "What?" </p><p>"You were drooling in your sleep." </p><p>"NO." </p><p>We had to quick walk off the train to make it to our bus. The bus was blissfully uncrowded, so we were able to get all three seats in the row to ourselves. One seat for me. One seat for Kuroo. One seat for Kuroo's legs. Hakata is surrounded by rolling hills of bamboo forests. I could feel Kuroo watching me watch the bamboo, his head cocked slightly, a soft smile floating on his face. It made me self conscious to be observed in such a way. I wonder what he was thinking. </p><p> "Did your parents ever tell you the story of the wood cutter?" </p><p>Kuroo shook his head, "What's that?" </p><p>"It's apparently like a 10th century folktale. I thought my-", I paused, catching myself.</p><p> "I thought it was something they had made up, until it was mentioned in a lit class in  junior high." </p><p>Kuroo leaned over, looking out the window. I watched the long, green shoots trail by in the reflection of his eyes. </p><p>"Tell me the story." </p><p>There was something so intent and curious about his voice. I felt my face burn, slightly. "Oh, um. I don't remember all of it, but I can try.." I took a breath. </p><p>"So there's this wood cutter. He doesn't have any kids, I think he tried but couldn't or something. He's out doing wood cutter things when he sees a glowing stalk of bamboo." </p><p>"Glowing?" </p><p>"Yeah. He cuts it down and there's this baby girl inside." </p><p>"Dude, what the hell?"</p><p>"Stop interupting", I scowled. Kuroo laughed, pulling his knees into his chest, signalling he would be quiet. </p><p>"He takes the baby home and he and his wife essentially adopt her. They love her very much and do the best they can as parents, but they're poor. Until.. quickly after they adopt the baby, the wood cutter  begins to find gold nuggets in the hollow of each bamboo stick he cuts down. They get really rich and the girl grows up to be this beautiful princess named Kaguya, I don't know what eactly made her a princess or how she knew she was a princess-" </p><p>"Kenma, get on with it. She's a princess. What happens to the hot princess?" </p><p>I sighed, smiling. </p><p>"A bunch of men start pulling up, trying to marry her, but the Wood Cutter and his wife turn them all away, because they only want the best man possible for Kaguya. Even the Emperor pulls up, and the Wood Cutter thinks he might be chill, but Kaguya rejects him. She tells him that she's actually not from this world, she's from the moon. There's some series of mystical events revealing that she's from the moon, but honestly, I don't remember them. She's just from the moon." </p><p>Kuroo nodded, "Hot moon princess." </p><p>"Sure. For some reason, Kaguya must return to the moon. The Emperor is madly in love with her, and she kinda likes him too, but she must go back to the moon. Before a beam of light takes her home, she gives him a vial of elixir for eternal life as a gift, but he won't drink it. He can't imagine living for an eternity without her. The emperor sends the elixir to the top of Mt. Fuji so it can be burned, and that's how people used to explain the continuous trail of black smoke back when Fuji was more volcanically active." </p><p>Kuroo sat pensively for awhile. Together, he and I watched the outside move past, the way the snow gathered in clumps on the ground. </p><p>"What about her parents?" </p><p>I looked at him. </p><p>"The Wood Cutter and his wife? Were they sad that she had to go? She didn't give them a gift like the emperor..", Kuroo mumbled. </p><p>I shrugged, "Well, they were super rich from all the gold." </p><p>He pursed his lips, leaning his head against the bus seat. "Yeah, well, what they clearly wanted was a baby. And their kid left them to go back to the moon. I think that's sad.. I bet they missed her a lot." </p><p>Kuroo was a person of very subtle shifts. If you blinked, you may not notice it had happened. When I first met him, I blinked entirely too much. Now, though, I knew if I put more work into observing.. I could catch the change in his moods. It was a progression as subtle as the transition between summer and fall.</p><p>He was sad. Not drastically, but there was a bit of it nestled in the folds of his breath. </p><p>"Actually, I bet they were super proud to raise a moon princess. I bet they became astronomers, since he was so rich he probably didn't need to be a wood cutter anymore. They could continue to watch over the moon, and she could watch over them." </p><p>I paused, studying his face. </p><p>"Some kids leave their parents and other parents leave their kids. But..they had the privilege of being with her their whole lives, just so long as the sun was down." </p><p>The bus hit a pothole and we lurched forward, bonking into each other slightly. Kuroo chuckled, "Yeah."</p><p>I stretched, long and luxurious, cracking my spine. "I'm excited to meet your family." </p><p>"Hopefully, we don't have to be around them much." Kuroo looked down at his hands. "That's honestly one of the reasons I invited you. My family doesn't get along very well, so you and I can go do our own thing."</p><p>I nodded. I had known something was up. </p><p>"My grandma is excited to meet you, though. She hasn't been able to come to one of my games, since she's too old to travel much on her own. We can show her an ol' set-spike combo." </p><p>I gave Kuroo a warm smile. "As fun as destroying my sleep schedule would have been, I'm glad you invited me." </p><p>It meant a lot to me that he trusted me enough to bring me into this unsteady environment with him. I resolved that I would do everything I could to support him, distract him. Give him the vacation he deserved. </p><p>"I'm glad you came." </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. His Family</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We stood before a spacious, traditional style home. I shivered. It ended up being around 6 pm when we arrived in Kurokawa and the temperature was falling fast. We hadn't had the opportunity to see much of the town, but from the small visible corners, it looked quite quaint. I inhaled sharply threw my nose. I didn't mind that the cold air burned. It was good to be out of the city. The door swung open and an aging, portly woman with a shock of white hair stepped out. </p><p>"Oh, Tetsuro, look at you. You've grown a foot!" She put a hand on his shoulder, dragging him down to her level, inspecting his face. </p><p>"Hi, Baba-" </p><p>Kuroo's grandmother smashed a hand on top of his head, flattening his hair. "No.. I take it back. You haven't grown, it's just this ridiculous hair of yours." </p><p>"Baba!"</p><p>I laughed, softly. The old woman turned her gaze on me, "You must be Kenma!" I nodded, bowing my head </p><p>"So polite! Call me Baba." </p><p>"It's very nice to meet you." </p><p>She beckoned us in, playfully chewing Kuroo out, "You should ask Kenma how he does his hair! It's smooth and flat, the color is unique, but the cut is very nice!" </p><p>I followed, removing my shoes at the door. The interior of the home was also very traditional. The floor was covered in tatami mats, with fusuma parting the rooms. The light through the opaque paper dispered in a soft yellow. Baba directed us to the spare room so we could remove our coats and put down our luggage, "Remind me to grab another futon for Kenma after dinner." </p><p>Kuroo's mother was in the kitchen, slowly stirring a deep pot of something that smelled very good. </p><p>"Hey, mom."</p><p>She turned and her face surprised me. Kuroo's mother had a young frame, glossy shoulder length hair.. but her face didn't match. She seemed worn beyond her years, her cheeks bones unhealthily sharp. She looked a bit like my mom. </p><p>"Tetsuro", she embraced her son, then swatted him. "You didn't answer your phone all day. I've been getting a lot of grief for letting you stay in Tokyo an extra day for that club Christmas party, especially with you being unresponsive." </p><p>"I'm sorry, mom. I was trying to conserve power in case something went wrong, so I kept it off." </p><p>She put a hand on his head, ruffling his hair, sighing. Then, Kuroo's mother zeroed in on me, "Hi, Kenma. We're glad you can join us." </p><p>I bowed, "Thank you for-" </p><p>"I don't care much about formalities", she sighed, turning back to stir the pot. "Just call me Nakano. Tetsuro has told me a lot about you." </p><p>I didn't quite know what to say, "Oh. um-" </p><p>Nakano gave me a tired, understanding smile. Kuroo leaned over to see what she was making. He dropped his voice to a low whisper, I could barely make out what he said. "Where's dad?" </p><p>"Outside. Watching the sun set."</p><p>"It's already dark." </p><p>"I don't care, I'm not going to bother him. He wants you to eat with us-" </p><p>"I was thinking Kenma and I could go eat in the village at-" </p><p>"One meal. One meal and I will do what I can for the rest of the trip. We have a guest. It's going to be fine." </p><p>I felt like I was intruding on a conversation I shouldn't be hearing. I watched the way Kuroo's body tensed. </p><p>"Kenma?", Baba called, softly. "Why don't you help me come set the table?" </p><p>I quickly followed her, greatful for an out. </p><p>I kneeled down, helping her put plates on a kotatsu. The old woman spoke beneath her breath. </p><p>"You can't always choose who you're related to, or what they become over the years of knowing them. All we can do is show them love. Do you understand?" </p><p>I nodded. I did understand. She patted my head. I found myself thinking of Coach Nekomata, a bit. I had never known a grandmother or a grandfather. I wondered if all old people were as insightful as they were. </p><p>"Tetsuro told me you're a pretty quiet young man.", she chuckled. "Just keep doing what you're doing, and I'm sure everything will be just fine."</p><p><em>...There was a possible situation where things would not be fine? </em>My anxiety kicked up to the next level. Kuroo's family was a bit strange. </p><p>Kuroo and his mom entered the dining room. He held the pot for her as she dispensed fragrant broth into each bowl. "This..", she said, "is the best possible soup for two growing boys that have been traveling all day." Kuroo smiled. From how good it smelled, I could agree. I helped get drinks and the rest of the food laid out as Kuroo's family playfully bickered with one another. </p><p>Baba accused Nakano of starving Kuroo, "he's too thin!". </p><p>Nakano accused Baba of going blind. </p><p>The tension of the conversation I had witnessed had dissipated. Kuroo looked happy, in his element, as he respectfully listened to his mother and grandmother. The table had been set, a mouth watering feast before us. We sat under the heated kotatsu. I had Kuroo by my side, Nakano across from me. Baba sat at the head of the table, next to Kuroo. There was an open space next to her. </p><p>"I'll go get him", Nakano muttered. </p><p>Kuroo stood. I followed in suit, though I didn't quite understand why. </p><p>A quiet stretched through the house. The paper door slid open and a tall, gaunt man entered the room. He was the spitting image of Kuroo, though his hair was gelled down, and he was maybe half an inch taller. Kuroo bowed. It was strangely robotic. </p><p>"We weren't sure what time to have the food ready because you didn't pick up your phone all day." </p><p>"I'm sorry, father." </p><p>The man's eyes flicked to me. I bowed, "I'm Kozume Kenma, thank you for having-" </p><p>"You seem too short to be in the volleyball club", he cut me off, bluntly. </p><p>
  <em>oh. </em>
</p><p>Kuroo's father sat down at the table and began to eat. I noticed Baba wrinkle her nose slightly in distaste. She folded her hands, saying, "Itadakimasu". Baba bowed slightly, then began to eat. Kuroo and I sat back down and each preformed itadakimasu, along with Nakano. It had been a very long time since I observed proper meal etiquette, seeing as I primarily consumed cup-o-noodles on an independent scale. We ate in complete, uncomfortable silence. Normally, I thrived in quiet spaces, but I felt like I was walking on a wire. The meal seemed to last forever within this empty, soundless vacuum. Being winter, there was no whirr of flora and fauna outside to alleviate the tension. The most audible noise was the wind pushing against Baba's home- at least until Kuroo reached to grab some soy sauce and accidentally knocked over his glass of water with his elbow. The tip of the glass rang through the air like a bell. He froze, his hand outstretched, grasping at air. Nakano looked up, her eyes wide- </p><p>"It's just water, I'll go grab a-" </p><p>Kuroo's father firmly grabbed her elbow, keeping her from getting up. His grip seemed tight. </p><p>"Tetsuro will get it." </p><p>Kuroo quickly got up, exiting the room. I wanted to help.</p><p> I had barely indicated that I was going to pick up the glass when Baba caught my eye, shaking her head "no."</p><p>I put my hand back in my lap. </p><p>Kuroo returned, bent on his hands and knees, soaking up the water with the rag. One by one, members of the family got up, leaving the room. Kuroo and I were alone. I silently helped him clear the table. We went back to our room, changing into pajamas. "We're supposed to remind Baba for the extra futon.", I mumbled, speaking for the first time in the hour.The old woman sat quietly, reading by lamplight in the living room. She smiled, gently. </p><p>"Heading to bed?" </p><p>"Yes, Baba. Can we have the extra futon now?" </p><p>She sighed. "Your father just took it.. something or other was making him uncomfortable. I could give you some pillow, blankets..." </p><p>Kuroo looked away, the lamp casting harsh shadows on his face. He turned back, looking at his grandmother.  "Kenma and I will figure it out", he muttered, darkly.</p><p>"Tetsuro.." </p><p> He turned, leaving the room. I wished Baba a goodnight, then followed. </p><p>I slid open the door to our room. Kuroo sat on the floor, looking at his phone. </p><p>"Are you fine to just share a bed again? I don't want to deal with all this shit right now." </p><p>I nodded, sitting down on the mattress. Kuroo flopped down next to me. I got up and turned out the lights. We laid side by side in the dark on our backs, our shoulders pressed against one another, looking at our phones. Physical closeness was such a strange thing. Feeling his body next to mine, the way his heartbeat sank into the mattress, the way he had to bend his knees to keep his feet from poking off the edge. The heightened awareness of the way our bodies existed separately. </p><p>It made me feel alive, alive, alive. </p><p>I sent Kuroo the "i'm making fucking mac and cheese meme." He chuckled softly, then shut his phone off. Kuroo flipped on his stomatch, covering his ears with either corner as he yelled into the pillow. He flipped back, facing the ceiling again. We sat in silence for a little bit. Finally, I mustered up the courage. </p><p>"Why are you scared of your dad?" </p><p>There was a long pause. Had I overstepped? </p><p>"He's not a very good or kind man." </p><p>"Oh." </p><p>I rolled on to my side, staring at the outline of Kuroo in the darkness. Kuroo turned, facing me, though we couldn't see each other. I felt him, though. Our noses almost touched. </p><p>"Where's your dad, Kenma?"</p><p>It was the softest breath, barely a whisper. I could pretend I hadn't heard him ask. But that would be cheating.. I think. Kuroo trusted me. He had brought me here with him, to the private, difficult side of his life. I could do the same, if I wanted.</p><p>"He died in September." </p><p>"I'm sorry." </p><p>I returned back to facing the ceiling. </p><p>"Me too." </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Kurokawa at Night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Kenma."</p><p>
  <em>Hngggh.</em>
</p><p>"C'mon, wake up. We're going to go running." </p><p><em>I pretended I did not hear him.</em> </p><p>"I know you can hear me." </p><p><em>Shit.</em> </p><p>"If you don't get off me, I'll pick you up and throw you." </p><p>
  <em>What?</em>
</p><p>I opened my eyes, becoming frightfully aware of my body. Kuroo had his hands behind his head, propping up his chin to look at me. I was sprawled on my stomach over his chest, my arms skewn across the bed. I leapt up, evasively. My face was bright red. Kuroo was trying not to laugh. "I think you're just like.. like a heat seeking missile when you sleep." </p><p>I stuttered an apology, but he waved me off. We got dressed, tightening sneaker laces.</p><p>"There's a little path through the woods, we'll run that, then come back and do some drills." </p><p>I rolled my eyes, scrunching up my nose in the bitter cold. "Whatever you say, captain." </p><p>I truly despised stamina training, but the atmosphere was extremely pleasant. Kurokawa is nestled in a valley, tucked between the mountains of Kumamoto. We were doing an unfortunate amount of uphill running, but the view was nice, and Kuroo wasn't being that much of a bitch about speed. Eventually, we slowed to a walk, quietly enjoying the sunrise. When we got back to Baba's house, Nakano was waiting with green tea. We sat on the porch, drinking it quickly, before Kuroo directed some drills. Playing volleyball in Baba's backyard made me think back to our early practice sessions at the park. I was lost in that kind memory, temporarily removed from my surroundings. Kuroo revived me by launching a volleyball towards my stomach. Oof. </p><p>"Focus, Kozume!" </p><p>"Sorry." </p><p>The things I did for him. </p><p>Baba came out, watching us practice. Kuroo was spiking the ball extra hard, showing off for his grandmother. She would clap happily everytime he jumped. A little more than an hour passed. We joined Baba at the kotatsu for some more tea. </p><p>"If you make it to nationals, I'll journey down to Tokyo.", she said, thoughtfully. Baba's eyes lifted with her smile. "It would be a joy to watch the two of you play in a real game."</p><p> Kuroo blushed scarlet, thanking his grandmother. </p><p>We had lunch, then walked towards the center of the town for the hot springs Kurokawa was known for. With the exception of two public bath houses, most of the onsen were private, belonging to the inns. Kuroo's grandmother was good friends with the man who ran Okyakuya, so we were able to get in on good word. </p><p>After showering, we slipped into the water. I tied my hair up in a little ponytail so it wouldn't get wet. Kuroo smirked. </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"You should do that with you hair more." </p><p>"No." </p><p> I felt my whole body relax as the green water inched up my chest, once I got past the initial shock of temperature change. We had the onsen to ourselves. </p><p>"We come here every year during this time and I usually spend most of the trip here. My mom used to chastise me for getting my fingers all pruney, she thought it was creepy." </p><p>I laughed, softly, watching the steam rise off the water. </p><p>"I like it, though. You can kind of just sit and listen." </p><p>And that's what we did. We sat in suspension, not thinking or doing. I watched as the steam wound it's way to the clouds, taking it's place among the blue rimmed sky. I think, often, we never really progress past the desires we hold as children. To be in warm in cold places. To feel confident, but protected. Empty and full. The bath easily accomplished all of these needs.</p><p>I watched Kuroo, his arms resting against the rock of the tub, the gentle slope of his neck as he leaned back with his eyes closed. It felt like we were there forever, but a nice, lasting forever that cradled me in simple warmth. I tried to mimic him, eye closed, head tipped back, but I would sneak furtive glances. Observing Kuroo's calm did wonders for my own sense of peace. </p><p>"Where have you been?"</p><p>"At the hot springs."</p><p>That was all that Kuroo's dad required of us. We were able to avoid him for the rest of the day, an intricate dance between locations.</p><p>Kuroo and I ate dinner in town at a small restaurant known for their soba noodles. <br/>"Sorry", I said, as I inhaled them. "These are better than the ones you cook."<br/>"HEY!"</p><p>After our bellies were full, we circled through the town. We watched as the sun slipped behind the mountains, giving birth to a different source of light. <br/>In the winter months, December through April, Kurokawa was decorated with round, intricate bamboo lanterns. It was a seasonal event known as Yuakari. <br/>The lanterns hung low over the waterways. Kuroo and I stood on a pedestrian bridge in the frigid air, looking at the way the light bounced with the movement of the river. <br/>The night was thick and starless, it seemed the flame of the lanterns were stars on vacation, specks of light that desired to wander among people. Whether they left the heavens empty or brought the two spaces together, I couldn't tell.</p><p>"Kenma?" <br/>"Mmhm."</p><p>My wrists dangled over the edge of the bridge.</p><p>"I'm really glad I met you." <br/>"I'm really glad I met you, too."</p><p>Kuroo looked at me, his face gracefully adorned by light. <br/>"I get worn out.. a lot. With people and their expectations of me. I feel like I can just.."</p><p>He made some weird settling motion with his hands. I laughed, softly.</p><p>"With you."</p><p>I looked back out over the water, "You're my best friend. You know that?"</p><p>Kuroo ruffled my hair "AAaaghhh we're so sappy." <br/>"Hey!" <br/>I reached out to karate chop his stomach but he leapt backwards, "Too slow, that's an extra 20 minutes of running tomorrow." <br/>"Kuroo!" <br/>He laughed. <br/>"You're my best friend, too."</p><p>"Oh, really?"</p><p>"Mhm."</p><p>"Not Bokuto?", I teased. Kuroo chuckled.</p><p>"Bokuto is my best <em>bro</em>. You're my best <em>friend</em>."</p><p>"What's the difference?"</p><p>"Honestly, it's just a matter of vibes."</p><p>I tried to smack him again. We chased each other across the bridge, through the center of town, laughing. By the time we got back to Baba's, it was pretty late. Kuroo had accidentally taken a wrong turn walking back in the dark. The temperature had pitched into freezing. I could see my own breath in the sliver of moonlight. Plants were hardening under the frost. We got ready for bed as quietly as possibly, but the covers did little. <br/>"Why is it so cold?", I muttered.</p><p>"Goddamn traditional architecture with no central heating. I usually bring a hot water bottle when we come here."</p><p>He flipped over, looking at me. <br/>"What did you do? You lived in the country."</p><p>I tried not to laugh.</p><p>"Kuroo... do you think all houses in the countryside look like this?"</p><p>He answered me with a very self conscious bout of silence.</p><p>"Come here." <br/>"What?" <br/>"Don't be weird, you're just going to end up sleeping on top of me anyways."</p><p>Kuroo wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him. <br/>My heart bounced around in my chest. <br/>I wanted to fall and sink into each place our skin touched. I felt his heartbeat against me and tried time my own to it. I'm sure this was a normal feeling. I'm sure this feeling was produced out of my perpetual unfamiliarity with physical contact. I hadn't come from a hugging family.</p><p>I felt weird. <br/>I felt alive.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. What Are These Crows You Speak Of?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We spent the rest of the week like that. <br/>Rising early, going for a run. Drills, followed by lunch and a trip to the hot springs. <br/>We would spend the rest of the day exploring the deepest corners of the village, poking our noses around, finding new and unique spots to exist together. <br/>At night, we would fall into bed, legs and arms intertwined. I would fall asleep with my head pressed against his chest, listening to him breathe. <br/>With the help of Nakano, we were always one step ahead of Kuroo's father. He predominately spent his time within Baba's study or on the back porch.</p><p>Beyond the volleyball comment on the first night, he hadn't spoken to me.</p><p>A couple times throughout the week, he would summon Kuroo, often for college or business related discussions. During that time, I would help Baba around the house. <br/>Kuroo always seemed a bit shell shocked by the time he came back from their talks. I would do what I could to shake him back into himself.</p><p>Our time in Kurokawa was over in a flash. <br/>I felt very strange upon being catapulted back into the hectic noise of Tokyo. I had forgotten the city's pulse carried a constant, deafening beat.</p><p>As Kuroo dropped me off at my front door and I felt a tinge of sadness. It would be our first time apart from each other in a week.</p><p>He waved, "See you monday, Kenma!" <br/>I smiled, waving back.</p><p>The door closed behind me and I returned to my familiar space. <br/>"Mom?", I called out, dragging my suitcase.</p><p>I poked around. No response. She must be out, again. <br/>I had hoped she would be home so that I could tell her about my trip.</p><p>After unpacking my suitcase, I stumbled to the kitchen, opening cupboards. <br/>I guess it was time for instant noodles, again.</p><p>I lived in a weird, lonely limbo throughout Saturday and Sunday. I occupied my time by independently strength training, doing push ups until my arms felt like jello.</p><p>I would <em>never </em>admit to Kuroo that I was doing cardio on my own time. <br/>I had a reputation to uphold.</p><p>I worked myself into distraction until Monday rushed to greet me.</p><p>After practice, the team went out to dinner to compare winter break stories, but the conversation quickly transitioned to our away game coming up. I quietly ate my rice until there was a slight lull between words, <br/>"What's the deal with these Karasuno High people anyways?"</p><p>"Well,", Yaku started to explain, but Yamamoto shoved his hand over his mouth.</p><p>He pointed at me, dramatically.</p><p>"An integral part.. of being on Nekoma's volleyball is our respect for the tradition of upholding our rivalry with Karasuno! The legend has it... we used to engage in great battle with them! Matches commonly known as.. The BATTLE OF THE TRASH HEAP!"</p><p>Lev snorted and I tried to contain my laughter. <br/>Inuoka looked at Yamamoto in amazement, "WHY IS IT CALLED THAT?"</p><p>Kuroo chuckled, "We're cats.. they're crows. It's like.. trash animals. Animals that chill in the trash."</p><p>I raised an eyebrows, "Do we want to be trash animals?"</p><p>"IT'S NOT THE POINT!", Yamamoto shrieked. <br/>"A rivalry.. it drives you to be your best. To know that there is a competitor out there.. who is always at your tail.. and together! You must fight to rise to the top!"<br/>He stood, clutching his fist to his chest. <br/>"Plus.. I heard they have a hot lady manager."</p><p>"Ohhhhhhh."</p><p>There was a chorus of nods. My elbow bumped Kuroo's as I reached for my drink. He bumped me back, intentionally.</p><p>
  <em>Weirdo.</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. He Doesn't Know Who He Is Yet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Hey." <br/>"In a minute." <br/>"You said that a minute ago." <br/>"Just give me a minute."<br/>"Mom says it's my turn on the Switch."</p><p>I turned around in my seat, scowling darkly at Lev. "Who the fuck is mom?"Lev paused. "Uhhhhhh.. Yaku!"Yaku's head swiveled around, "What the FUCK did you just call me?"</p><p>Kuroo plucked the game out of my hands, passing it back to Lev and Inuoka, who had been waiting to play Smash.</p><p>
  <em>Hmprh.</em>
</p><p>We were three hours in to a five hour bus ride to the Miyagi prefecture, home of Karasuno High. <br/>I had promised Lev that he could use the Switch.. and I could only only him off for so long.</p><p>"How are you?" <br/>I shrugged. "Fine. I did well on my chem test yesterday." <br/>"All thanks to me?" <br/>"Whatever."<br/>"How are you?" <br/>Kuroo shrugged. "I'm good. College exams are soon.. don't love that. My dad is going a bit nuts. But things are good. I'm glad you and I get another vacation."<br/>He smiled, leaning back in his chair. He plugged in his headphones, offering me an earbud. I wrinkled my nose. <br/>"What are you, poor?"<br/>Kuroo snorted, putting his head in his hands. <br/>"I lost two pairs of AirPods within a week. They don't work for my lifestyle." <br/>I rolled my eyes and put it in, scooting closer.</p><p>The song had already been playing, I caught a man's voice entering a verse.</p><p>I watched as he closed his eyes, just listening.</p><p>
  <em>My eyes went dark</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I don't know where</em>
  <br/>
  <em>My pupils are</em>
  <br/>
  <em>But I'll figure out a way to get us out of here</em>
</p><p>I could faintly here Lev and Inuoka yelling behind us.</p><p>
  <em>Get a load of this monster</em>
  <br/>
  <em>He doesn't know how to communicate</em>
  <br/>
  <em>His mind is in a different place</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Will everybody please give him a little bit of space?</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Get a load of this train wreck</em>
  <br/>
  <em>His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet</em>
  <br/>
  <em>But little do we know, the stars</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Welcome him with open arms</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Oh</em>
</p><p>The song slid into the next one, but the words stuck in my mind. Kuroo showed me a bunch of new music over the next hour, then asked if I wanted to compare libraries. <br/>I did not. I predominantly listened to anime openings..</p><p>We spent the last bit of our trip playing an organized Smash tournament. Yamamoto was exceptionally bad, because he got too into it. Coach Naoi played against me and I decimated him, while Nekomata shook his head, confused. It came down to me and Kai, who was surprisingly good. I still won though. No one was surprised, but we had fun playing. <br/>Lev demanded a rematch when we got to the inn.We had transitioned from the highway to the rolling hills of Miyagi when Kuroo got a call. <br/>He took the earbud out of my ear, putting it in his.</p><p>"Hey, babe."</p><p>Lev snorted, Kuroo deftly reached behind and smacked him without looking. <br/>I turned away, but my ears burned with curiosity.</p><p>"No, I'm not coming back to Tokyo. I am literally like 5 hours away, I'll be back tomorrow. I'm sorry, I promise we'll do something special tomorrow. Ok? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Love you, bye."</p><p>He? Loved her?</p><p>I felt like I had been pulled apart and reglued in a way that wasn't quite right. Like someone had switched the joints in my legs and arms, my ribs had been renumbered, and my lungs had been removed entirely. <br/>I felt <em>wrong</em>. <br/>And I really, really wanted to bang my head against the wall for some reason? <br/>Why was it so insurmountably important that Kuroo was in love with some girl who's name I didn't know?I wanted to press my fingers into the unfamiliarity, to say that was the source of shock. I didn't know my best friend's girlfriend. He barely spoke of her, though I knew she was an active piece in the puzzle of his life. <br/>They ate lunch together everyday. I imagined they were in the same class. <br/>They were in love, they- Kuroo slumped in his seat, hitting his head against the back of the chair.</p><p>"Ughhhhhhhhhhh."</p><p>I looked at him, "What?"</p><p>He flexed his fingers, "I told her, like one billion times, that we had a practice game today that was really important to me so I couldn't come to her birthday dinner.She's called me like three times asking if <em>I'm sure. </em>Yes. I am sure. I am literally five hours away from Tokyo."Kuroo put his face in his hands and sighed in exasperation. <br/>"It's not even her actual birthday today. Her birthday is tomorrow and I got us reservations at a nice restaurant for when we get back in town but she doesn't <em>care </em>about<em> that </em>because I'm not making the group thing, even though I literally organized our own thing that's better than her stupid thing and our thing is on her actual birthday!" He looked at me, smiling slightly.</p><p>"Sorry, it's dumb. It's just frustrating."</p><p>I nodded, feigning understanding.</p><p>Kuroo leaned back. "Have you ever had a girlfriend, Kenma?"</p><p>My face felt hot. "...no."</p><p>"What! No gamer gf?"</p><p>I wrinkled my nose and gave him a look. Kuroo just laughed.</p><p>"It's their loss. I know you would be a really good boyfriend."</p><p>I felt like I wanted to scream, but I couldn't place why. I needed some kind of space right now. </p><p>We got off the bus at the inn.</p><p>I watched as Kuroo and the coaches herded cats, trying to quiet our group and choral them inside.They didn't notice as I turned and walked away, rounding the corner.</p><p>I just kind of walked. And walked. It was like that time I had roamed through some unknown ward of Tokyo. I was walking without a clear destination because whatever I was looking for was something inside of me. I hoped that the movement of my feet would shake it loose, force it into the light. I could not understand Kuroo anymore than I could understand myself. I was closer to him than anyone in my life, though I could read him no better than the first time I laid eyes on him. <br/>Maybe he and I possessed some deep, aching similarity that blocked me from understanding him, since I had such an intense personal disconnect.</p><p>I felt strange, weird, angry, hurt, curious, cautious, crazy. I felt buzzy and alive, attentive, inconsolable.</p><p>Was I <em>jealous</em> of her?</p><p>I stopped walking, overcome by a tsunami of guilt.</p><p>Yeah. I was. The invisible shadow of this girl, this girl who I had never met, who was probably more than nice- when I imagined each glance and touch he shared with her, I wanted to seize her incorporeal body and shred it. <br/>So he couldn't touch her. <br/>So he couldn't look at her. <br/>So he couldn't love her.</p><p>
  <em>Did that mean I wanted him to..</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Of course not.</em>
</p><p>He was my best friend. My best friend in the entire universe, and probably beyond that. But I would always be second place to a significant other. I was just an other, who happened to be somewhat significant.I sighed, sitting down on a concrete wall, setting my bag next to me. This was simply something I needed to deal with and get over. <br/>Just because Kuroo was the most central figure of my life, that did not mean I had to occupy the most central spot in his.</p><p>And that was ok.</p><p>He had a wealth of care and energy to dispense. I was honored to be one of the individuals on the receiving end.</p><p>
  <em>This is fine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It all makes sense now.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I just need to stop being a little bitch.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I don't have much time left with these people.</em>
</p><p>I looked around and realized I had no idea where I was. <br/>I took my phone out, expecting to have been subjected to some kind of abuse in our teams group chat (The MF Fancy Feast, as named by Yamamoto after the cat food brand.) My phone was surprisingly blank.. shit. No signal. We were in the mountains, after all. I could try to retrace my steps.. but would that make me more lost? I don't know. God, I was probably stressing people out. Or maybe they hadn't noticed I was gone. Either way, not great. I felt very overwhelmed. <br/>I thumbed through my phone, selecting one of those little apps where you chase coins and jump over things.</p><p>
  <em>I'm just going to sit here for a minute.</em>
</p><p>"What are you doing?"</p><p>I turned to see an orange haired child jogging towards me. Was I not supposed to be here? Was this his concrete wall I was sitting on? He approached and I realized he was, in fact, likely around my age- just painfully short. <br/><em>Yikes. </em><br/><br/>"I..um." <br/>I turned away, embarrassed. <br/>"I'm lost."</p><p>He stopped and I got a better look at him. His smile was too big, too bright. It made my eyes hurt to look at him. <br/>"Are you from out of town?" <br/>I turned away. <br/>"Yeah."</p><p>Suddenly, he sprang at me like a rabbit, crouching at my feet to peer at what I was doing on my phone. Respectfully, <em>what the fuck. </em>Am I going to get mugged?  It would be so embarrassing to be mugged by a short person.</p><p>"Is that thing fun?"</p><p>My coin chasing avatar took a nose dive.</p><p>"Um. Not really. I'm just passing time." <br/><em>"</em>Ohhhh."</p><p>He watched me restart the game, studying my movements. <br/>"AAAAWWH!" <br/>The stranger bobbed up, startling me. I almost dropped my phone. He was pointing at my bag, his mouth hanging open. <br/>"ARE YOU A VOLLEYBALL PLAYER?" <br/>"Huh?" <br/>"THOSE ARE VOLLEYBALL SHOES!"<br/>"Oh, yeah."</p><p>Then, I noticed his shirt. <br/>Karasuno High.</p><p>
  <em>Interesting.</em>
</p><p>"I play too!"</p><p>I nodded. He leaned over again. I looked into his eyes. Interesting and accessible. He wasn't strange, well he was, but not terribly. This conversation was motivated by a genuine curiosity. <br/>The smaller boy rocked back on his heels, clearly giddy at the idea of discussion the sport with someone. <br/>"What's your name?" <br/>"Kozume..." <br/>"Kozume!" <br/>"Kozume.. Kenma."</p><p>He stuck out an arm, offering me a hand, which I hesitantly shook.</p><p>"I'm Hinata Shoyo!"</p><p><em>Hinata. </em>That name meant 'sunny place'. It suited him well. He raised his chin, his orange hair like a fiery halo against the backdrop of the sky.</p><p>"Do you like volleyball?"</p><p>The question took me aback.Did I, personally, like volleyball? I liked playing, well enough. But, I played more out of a desire for a community. For Kuroo and our team. <br/>I realized that after he and the rest of the third years left.. it wasn't likely I would stay on the team. I'd probably come to some games out of support but..</p><p>I liked playing with <em>them</em>. Us, as we were now. <br/>Most of all, I liked playing with <em>Kuroo</em>. <br/>I don't think I'd be of much use to anyone without his encouragement. <br/>I would just drag the team down.</p><p>I guess I just I didn't care much for the game itself.</p><p>"I don't care much about volleyball. I just like playing with my friends", I mumbled.</p><p>Hinata's face briefly contained an expression of horror, but it quickly dissolved. <br/>"What position do you play? I'm a middle blocker. Weird, right! Cuz I'm short."</p><p>I shrugged.</p><p>"I don't think it's that weird. People are confused that I'm a setter because I'm not particularly athletic."</p><p><em>Or talented. Or tall. Or-</em>I need to stop thinking like this, getting so down on myself. I am good. I am made good by the people around me when we work together.</p><p>"Is your team strong?"</p><p>I met his eye, smiling slightly.</p><p>"I'd say so."</p><p>Hinata grinned, about to launch into another question, when I heard, "Kenma! You dumbass, I've been looking for you." I turned to see Kuroo walking towards us. <br/>I looked at Hinata and felt a mild excitement to play him tomorrow. I wondered how he moved.</p><p>"I'll see you later", I waved, going to join Kuroo.</p><p>I walked by his side, feeling more grounded. <br/>"Who was that?" <br/>"Middle blocker from Karasuno." <br/>Kuroo made a face, confused. "But he's.." <br/>He pinched two fingers together. <em>Itty bitty. </em><br/>I shrugged.</p><p>"Why did you run off?"</p><p>Well, Kuroo, I ran off because I'm jealous that you have a girlfriend who you spend time with, since I am a bad and needy friend. <br/>However, I understand this neediness is temporary because you're going to leave and my life will return to how it was, since I obviously won't play volleyball after you're gone.</p><p>Instead of being a little bitch, I'm going to enjoy the time I do have and be careful of my feelings so that I don't have too many.</p><p>"I just wanted to go on a walk."<br/>"You could've told me." <br/>"I'm sorry." <br/>"C'mon."</p><p>He took my other bag, the one with the volleyball shoes, and shouldered it.</p><p>"We're learning tiktok dances in the room."</p><p>"Then.. maybe we should just walk around more and <em>not</em> go back to the inn."</p><p>"Negative. It's a mandatory team activity." I huffed, rolling my eyes. </p><p>Later, after dinner had been eaten and curtains had been drawn, I felt that prickly feeling, the way your skin feels after you've ripped of a band aid. The way it feels to be watched.</p><p>I opened my eyes to see Kuroo staring at me. We were both lying on our stomachs in the blue darkness of the inn. The team slept around us in neat rows, soft breaths, slight snores.I looked at him looking at me. He was unashamed in his staring. His eyes, despite their dark opaqueness, glittered. We laid there in the darkness, not moving, rarely blinking. <br/>I do not know if it was a competition of silence or will. <br/>Finally, I conceded. "What, was I drooling again?" <br/>My voice was the smallest whisper among the darkness, mixing with the air. </p><p><br/>"No. I was just looking at you. You make interesting faces when you dream. Your eyes flutter and your nose wrinkles, like something is displeasing or upsetting you." </p><p><br/>There was an ambiguous intensity underlying his words. <br/>"Oh." <br/>Kuroo chuckled, "Sorry. I can't sleep." <br/>"Why not?" <br/>"I'm just excited to play tomorrow, I love games. Are you? Excited?"<br/>I exhaled through my nose, pretending like I was thinking it over, but I already knew. <br/>"Yes. I am."</p><p>We laid there, just staring at each other.</p><p>"What are the real games like?"<br/>"Just like any other. But more fun." <br/>"Oh."</p><p>I looked at him, he looked at me.</p><p>"We're going to win, Kenma."</p><p>He put his hand on top of mine, curling his fingers around the edges. <br/>Strange.</p><p>At some point, I drifted back into sleep, my last thoughts filtering through the keyhole of Kuroo's eyes, anchored by the weight of his hand on mine.</p><p>When the sunlight's intrusion woke me, Kuroo was facing the other way, my hand empty and cold.</p><p>Maybe I dreamed it. An odd dream to have. <br/>I don't know. <br/>It didn't matter, right now.</p><p>We had a match to warm up for.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>song is home by cavetown,,, </p><p>ALSO thank you so much for all the wonderful comments !!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Two Orbiting Systems</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The fact that there was another Yamamoto inspired unique terror in me. They were near identical, only the new version lacked a blond landing strip... and was possibly worse. The two sized each other up, near ready to engage in a battle entirely separate from the encroaching practice match.</p><p>Yaku yanked Yamamoto back, bowing profusely at their silver-haired vice captain, who in turn offered gracious apologies for their balding boy. The energy was different than our practice with Fukurodani. Even the slightest handshake between their captain and Kuroo tightened the acute tension of the room. We were setting ourselves up for an interesting game.</p><p>"KENMA?"</p><p>In spite of myself, I smiled. I turned to see my new acquaintance staring at me, slack jawed. It was a bit funny to watch Shoyo connect the dots.</p><p>"You set for NEKOMA! Why didn't you tell me?"</p><p>I shrugged.</p><p>"You didn't ask."</p><p>Before Shoyo could launch into an apology, Karasuno's manager, a tall girl with black hair, summoned us into the gym. The storm of noise immediately calmed, at least until she turned her back.</p><p>"OH MY GOD SHE'S EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN I IMAGINED", Yamamoto wept.</p><p>A small boy with a blond streak, smaller than Shoyo, lept at him like a rabbid dog. <br/>"Don't even LOOK at Kiyoko!"<br/>Their captain had to pull him back by the collar. She was pleasent looking, I suppose, but I didn't understand the fuss. As we stretched, I sized up the other team. They clearly had  a varied skill set, being of different builds. I could tell there was more to them than met the eye.<br/>Karasuno, Karasuno. <br/>What kind of game will you play?</p><p>At the end of the court, we touched our fists in a circle.</p><p>"We are the blood that flows smoothly<br/>and circulates oxygen, so that the <em>brain</em><br/>can work normally."</p><p>Kuroo rested his hand on the small of my back as he spoke of the brain. I stiffened. We peeled away from the circle.</p><p>"I didn't know that cheer was an every time thing", I mumbled.<br/>"I like it!" <br/>"I think it sets the mood." <br/>"Yeah."<br/>Kuroo shrugged, laughing, "You're outnumbered, Kozume."</p><p>The blistering seconds before the start of any game pushed me on to a frightening precipice. I stood at the edge of the net, scanning, trying to tap into the hum of each player.</p><p>Ah, there we go.</p><p>Karasuno's player diversity may be a weakness. There were many different player types in their starting lineup, their personalities complimented each other.. but I could tell they hadn't found their mix yet. Maybe that could be attributed to all the first years they had. I suppose I had it easy, I was only one piece that had to learn how to incorporate when I joined Nekoma mid year. I felt the force of my team behind my back.</p><p>"Shoyo."</p><p>He perked up.</p><p>"When I said my team was strong, I didn't mean me. I meant all of us, together."</p><p>He looked confused, startled even. <br/>Good.</p><p>However, the whistle soon blew, reversing the emotional polarity I had tried to establish. I had barely blinked when the ball whistled past my ear, slamming into the floor.</p><p>He had jumped so fucking high. <br/>He had..<br/><em>What the FUCK.</em></p><p>I looked at Kuroo, dumbstruck, as Karasuno cheered. This would be tricky. How could I asses an action I could barely see occur? I was so off put by Shoyo's action, other spikers were able to slip in. Karasuno got another point, then another, then- I was overwhelmed, my vision tunneled. I could hear the sounds around me, but I could not see nor process them. </p><p>I needed to think, I needed to- <br/>I needed to look at what we were doing and ignore the other side for a minute.</p><p>My vision racked into focus.</p><p>Kuro. Yaku. Yamamoto. Inuoka. Kai. Myself.</p><p>In the shifting shadow of my clouded view, a slender hand appeared.</p><p>Was it chance?</p><p>Inuoka had made contact against one of Hinata's quicks. <br/>I reminded myself for the thousandth time I didn't have to function alone anymore, whether it be within a game or in my day to day.</p><p>My plan seized me with clarity.</p><p><em>It's their setter.</em> <br/>Shoyo has some interesting power, but his power, at this point in his training, is dependent on their setter.</p><p>I tugged Kuroo's sleeve. <br/>"Area block Hinata. Follow Inuoka. Watch the setter."</p><p>He nodded, grinning. <br/>"What would I do without you?"</p><p>We regained our traction. Karasuno was starting to sweat. A new guy, another from their quieter players, took place at the front.</p><p>
  <em>He's got his eye on me.</em>
</p><p>There was something about his height, or the way his glasses perched on his nose, that gave me the creeps. I tested my theory by looking the opposite direction of where I intended the ball.Glasses followed the direction of my gaze. He's intelligent. Calculated. Not calculated enough yet, though. It'll take time. <br/>Kuroo clapped me on the back and I felt a wave of pride.</p><p>We reached match point of the first set before them, but it was close. Karasuno had the ball on their side, but our patient area blocking paid off. <br/>Inuoka brought Shoyo's spike down.</p><p>I think that kind of retaliation would've crushed me, especially at such a crucial point, but Hinata smiled brightly.</p><p>
  <em>He was happy to have someone formidable to play against.</em>
</p><p>The feeling spread as the game continued. Karasuno's libero, Nishinoya, excited Yaku. Whenever Kuroo was in the front, his blocking was more in tune than I had seen prior. Inuoka and Shoyo chased each other all around the court. Watching Karasuno play was like watching a celestial body in rapid formation. Each player was his own atomic particle, a swirling nebulae in it's own right, slowly fusing with the dust around them. They came together in small, heavenly clumps. Sets of players who had a familiarity with one another. <br/>Collectively, though, their gravitational attraction was increasing before my eyes.</p><p>Noticing how people are is one skill. <br/>Noticing how people change was an entirely new concept I was interested in exploring.</p><p>We beat them, but only barely.</p><p>At the end of the match, as we shook hands, their setter gripped mine, tightly</p><p>"Howdidyoudothathowareyousoinsyncwitheveryonehowlonghaveyouplayedvolleyballwhatkindofdrillsdoyoudowhattimedoyougetupinthemorningwhatprofessionalplayerisyourfavoritehowdoyou-"</p><p>I recoiled, slightly. Very many words. Very quickly. Hinata bounced over, pushing against the taller boy's stomach. There was something intimate in the way that Shoyo's hands brushed against him, hesitant and- </p><p>I was really noticing the strangest things lately. It was beginning to trouble me.</p><p>"Sorry about him.. KAGEYAMA YOU CAN'T JUST TALK TO PEOPLE LIKE THAT." <br/>"DUMBASS, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WEIRD, YOU'RE WEIRD." <br/>"HEY, WANNA FIGHT-" <br/>"Knock it off, you two! Now!" <br/>"SORRY, DAICHI!" <br/>"Sorry, Daichi.."</p><p>The sun hung low, deep and orange as we left Karasuno.</p><p>"Kenma!"</p><p>I turned around to see Shoyo sprinting after me. He stopped, the wind glancing against his hair.</p><p>"I'm going to play you again. And I'm going to win." <br/>The small boy beamed, his face enveloped in a pleasant grin.</p><p>There was an itch inside of me, an unfamiliar loose thread of desire. I had never wanted to play volleyball for volleyball's sake, but there was something in me that deeply wanted to play against him again, too. He may very well win, the next time we met. <br/>Karasuno would be a serious force to be reckoned with, once they coalesced.</p><p>What was the lifespan of a star?</p><p>I hoped that I would come to know through my new friend.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. It Finally Happens</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Did you have fun?", Yamamoto asked as we boarded the bus. <br/>I nodded, smiling softly. "I did." <br/>Yamamoto cupped his hands over his mouth, announcing to the bus, "KENMA HAD FUN. I REPEAT. KENMA OPENLY ADMITTED TO HAVE FUN WHILE PLAYING AGAIN."</p><p>The bus erupted into cheers, half mocking, but genuine. I turned bright red as laughter erupted in me, spilling out.</p><p>Our formation process was a lot different than Karasuno's. I wasn't there for all of the minutia of team building, I wasn't there construct our system from it's foundations the way that Shoyo and his team had to. There was a point within our collective history, a crucial moment that Kuroo probably engineered, when Nekoma came together as a team. <br/>Even after missing all that struggle, that work I watched Karasuno endure today, they accepted me as one of them. <br/>Friends. <br/>My friends.</p><p>I sat down in the window seat, next to a tired Kuroo. This had all happened because of him. <br/>I didn't understand him, or why he had been there that day. Maybe I never would. <br/>Maybe people aren't meant to be understood, they're meant to be experienced in a way that's mutually conducive. <br/>We had experienced each other, the good and the bad. We knew each other's silences, the ones that blossomed in comfort, the ones that grew in despair. <br/>We were artfully committed to the other's well being, having found the small ways to mend and motivate, to be alive together. <br/>In every inch of me, I was grateful to him. <br/>In every inch of me, I-</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh.</p><p>
  <em>Oh.</em>
</p><p>It wasn't remarkable, nor did I realize it with thunderstruck inspiration. <br/>It had been when we met in the alley. <br/>It had been when he flicked the whipped cream off of my nose at the coffee shop. <br/>It had been when I walked alone in the rain, achey and unsure of how to spend my time while he was busy. <br/>It had been when he encouraged me to play in the four to three, when he held my hand in the haunted house, on his birthday, on Christmas. It had been when I slept against his chest in Kurokawa, it had been when he found me after I got lost trying to walk away from my feelings.</p><p>It had been in every single train ride, bus ride, early morning run, late night text, study session, and fit of laughter we had shared.</p><p>It was now, as we turned onto the highway, heading home.</p><p>It was now, because it always had been.</p><p>He was slumped on my shoulder, breathing softly. <br/>A best friend can be lots of things, this tiny realization didn't change his status in my eyes. <br/>I just knew now, more clearly.</p><p>He was my best friend and <em>I liked him.</em></p><p>
  <em>I liked him.</em>
</p><p>It was probably true that I loved him, but there was only so much I could come to terms with at one given point.</p><p>
  <em>I liked him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I liked him.</em>
</p><p>Shit. <br/>What the fuck do I do now?</p><p>If there was anything I had learned in these past couple months, facing a problem with someone was much easier than trying to chip at it alone. I pulled out my phone and sent a text.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. VolleyBallz</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Hey!"</p><p>I waited for the other two "heys", but they didn't follow. I guess he wasn't feeling it, today. It was the following Sunday afternoon. Bokuto slid into the chair across from me, setting down a hot chocolate.</p><p>"Thanks for meeting me."</p><p>"Yeah, of course. Did you know.." <br/>He placed his hands dramatically on the table, looking around Andes, nervously. <br/>"If you talk too loud here, they kick you out! It happened last time Kuroo brought me here."</p><p>I smiled, thinly. I hoped asking him to meet me hadn't been a bad idea, but I was starting to regret my choice. My pulse quickened.Bokuto leaned back, folding his hands, "What did you wanna talk about?"</p><p>"I.. I think I'm.."</p><p>The words were stuck in my throat. It had been about a week since I realized how I felt about him, and an agonizing week at that. I turned so red every time Kuroo spoke to me, he had asked if I had gotten a sunburn.In all of that week, the countless hours I spent pacing my room, I hadn't said it aloud.</p><p>That would make it real, wouldn't it?</p><p>If I relayed my feelings to someone, if I extracted them from my head, that would make them so tangibly real. <br/>My heart pounded, sweat collected in my palms. Coming out was strange, I didn't like that term. It felt too visible.  I was just me, I was still the same me. The only difference was I could now quantify something I had always known.. I didn't want-</p><p>"I... think I know what you're going to say, but I want you to say it, anyways."</p><p>I looked up at Bokuto. He spoke so gently. It was a different, personal side of him.</p><p>"Trust me. You'll feel a lot better."</p><p>I took a breath.</p><p>"I think I'm gay."</p><p>It took a lot of effort. My stomach flipped. I pressed my face into my hands, "No. I know I'm gay."</p><p>"Yeah, you are."</p><p>I looked up at him, scrunching my eyebrows.</p><p>"What! Akaashi and I could tell. I honestly just kind of figured that you were."</p><p>Huh.</p><p>I sipped my cappuccino, "How could you tell?"</p><p>He shrugged, "Sometimes you just kinda can. Not always, but sometimes."</p><p>I looked down, then out the window. Cars lazed past under the overcast sky. I took another breath. <br/>"Then.. do you think.." I felt stupid. <br/>"Is Kuroo..." <br/>I let the question trail through the air, unfinished. Bokuto leaned forward, pensively.</p><p>"Now, that's a question that has plagued many academic and philosophical circles throughout the years." <br/>He stirred his hot chocolate, "What do you think?"</p><p>What did I think?</p><p>"I.. I would say no.. but I'm not sure. He has a girlfriend, who he's in love with, apparently."</p><p>Bokuto leaned back quickly in exasperation, causing his chair to scrape the floor slightly. <br/>The barista gave him a rude look. <br/>"Yeah, but she's the worst. Have you met her?"</p><p>I shook my head, no.</p><p>"I was around her for an afternoon once, Kuroo tried to have us do a double date, and it was the worst, most excruciating time. I felt like she was drilling a hole in my brain with her words. <br/>And Kuroo knows! He knows. He knows that she fucking sucks. I mean, she's pretty, I guess...if you like that."</p><p>Bokuto caught his breath, "She's got her hooks in him, one way or another. Everyday I hope to receive the notification of her termination. He tried.. like once, I remember. To dump her. But she literally just ignored him." The gray haired boy sighed, resting his hand on his cheek. "That's to say, it's not a typical relationship. What are your other reasons?"</p><p>"He's just... a bit weird."</p><p>"How so?"</p><p>My face burned. "He, he like..He'll grab my wrist or my hand in large crowds, which I haven't seen him doing with anyone else. When we were at his grandmother's for Christmas break, we shared a bed, but it was cold, so we kind of.. we kind of, like.." I held my arms out in an O, like a basketball hoop. Bokuto's eyes widened.</p><p>"Y'all SPOONED??"</p><p>My ears burned. I guess you could've called it that. Someone shushed Bokuto, by he trekked on, intently.</p><p>"Who initiated?"</p><p>
  <em>Aghhhhhhhh.</em>
</p><p>"Kuroo.. he kind of would pull me on to him, I guess.." <br/>I felt incredibly awkward. "We also held hands at the haunted house, and I think at the inn by Karasuno, but that might've been a dream...I don't know. He started it, both times." Bokuto slammed his hand on to the table. <br/>"Bros can cuddle. Absolutely. Bros, however, do not <em>usually</em> spoon. That's next level.<br/>I called it, that son of a bitch is AT LEAST bi."</p><p>He smirked, leaning back again, cracking his knuckles. <br/>"Oikawa owes me twenty dollars."</p><p>"Who's Oikawa?", I asked, confused.</p><p>"Eh, doesn't matter. Another volleyball gay. We actually all have a group chat, do you wanna be added? It's called VolleyBallz, but like, with a Z, to emphasize.. well, you know."</p><p>
  <em>Jesus Christ.</em>
</p><p>"The important thing though, Kenma, is that you should get it over with and tell him how you feel."</p><p>
  <em>I absolutely cannot do that.</em>
</p><p>"Yes, you can", Bokuto said, reading my mind.</p><p>
  <em>No, I can't.</em>
</p><p><em>"</em>If you don't, I promise, it will literally eat you alive. Qualifiers are soon. You don't want to go into that with a cloudy head. If I were you, I'd just tell him. Don't expect anything out of it, just present your feelings to him in an objective way, and agree to discuss it later. Kuroo will notice if you're keeping something from him, or acting weird. I imagined he already has, he's thoughtful like that."</p><p>Bokuto was right. Kuroo had been more attentive, lately, asking me how I was feeling in his concerned way.</p><p>That was... good advice?<br/>It wasn't easy advice, but nothing in my life had been easy for a long time.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. Standing By Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Qualifiers for nationals were four days away. There was a tangible, heightened energy in our practices. Everyone was going all out. We were getting kicked out early today, because our coaches decided it was essential for us to rest our bodies after the intensive work we had been doing. <br/>We were forced to swear we would genuinely use the time to restore, which was fine by me. The physical drive distracted me from how I felt, but not entirely. <br/>There were times when I would catch Kuroo's eye and feel my stomach flip. It took me out of the game, often causing me to fumble in some way. <br/>I wasn't about to be the cause of our team's loss. <br/>I just had to tell him.</p><p>The movie theater in our neighborhood, United Cinemas Toshimaen, was doing a special restored showing of Akira Kurosawa's <em>Yojimbo, </em><br/>a black and white 1961 action/ comedy about a samurai during the collapse of feudal Japan. I hadn't seen it, but Kuroo once spent two train rides trying to explain to me that the movie was <em>actually</em> about the dangers of Western capitalist influence. I, of course, did not follow the discussion whatsoever. <br/>But it was something he enjoyed, and I enjoyed him enjoying it. I would ask him to the movie. We would go. I would buy his ticket. <br/>When he dropped me off at my house, I would tell him from my doorframe so that I had a quick escape route. <br/>I would keep it simple.</p><p>
  <em>Kuroo. I like you as more than a friend. This is something I've realized, recently. I don't want to talk about it, or talk about how you feel about me. </em>
  <br/>
  <em>I just wanted you to know so I can stop feeling so shitty. </em>
  <br/>
  <em>We can discuss it after we win nationals. </em>
  <br/>
  <em>Or never. </em>
  <br/>
  <em>See you tomorrow.</em>
</p><p>I had rehearsed that statement in the mirror over a hundred times, until the words were just words and they couldn't affect me. They were simply sounds. Noises my mouth could make. Everything had perfectly timed out for this to be able to happen today. That way, I would be ready for practice tomorrow, and for our game on Friday.</p><p>I finished lacing up my sneakers. <br/>"Hey, Kenma. How are you feeling?", Kuroo asked, stretching, causing his shirt to ride up.</p><p>
  <em>For the love of god.</em>
</p><p>"F-fine. Are you doing anything, tonight? Our movie theater is showing a restored version of <em>Yojimbo</em> and I was wondering if we could..." <br/>I shrugged, letting the sentence hang, my heart pounding. <br/>Kuroo's face lit up. <br/>"That sounds SO COOL!" <br/>Some of the air rushed back into my lungs. <br/>"Unfortunately, I can't. I wish." <br/>He sighed, looking down. <br/>"I've got a date promised, since we've been so busy lately with the extra practices."</p><p>My mouth shaped into a small "o" as I felt my well constructed plan break into small pieces around me, shards tinkling to the floor like glass.</p><p>
  <em>Oh.</em>
</p><p>After saying goodbye to Kuroo, I shuffled through courtyard, Yamamoto and Lev kicking their heels behind me.</p><p>"You wanna come with us to get meat buns, Kenma?", Yamamoto whistled.</p><p>I smiled, weakly.</p><p>"I'm ok. I'm tired. Thank you, though."</p><p>They nodded, glancing the corner.</p><p>I was stupid. I was dumb. Bokuto's advice was dumb. Telling Kuroo and being rejected would only make everything worse. It was my own fault, opening myself too much, becoming attached to him. I was so, so damn mad. <br/>There is a satisfaction in bitterness, in isolation. <br/>I was mad at myself for breaking my own rules. <br/>Being alone allows for a continuation of the way things are. <br/>Being anyone's anything only allows for the possibility of that title's removal. <br/>I was so exhausted of risk.</p><p>I was <br/>So<br/>Exhausted.</p><p>"Hey, Pudding Head!" <br/>A familiar voice yelled gleefully, yanking my backpack strap. I stumbled, near fell, but then he grabbed my wrist.</p><p>
  <em>Not the damn time, Hitoshi.</em>
</p><p><em>"</em>Ahhh, sorry about that." He pulled me to my feet, roughly, as his friends gathered, laughing at the way I shuffled. Their voices surrounded me like an echo chamber.I felt the snap, like the long withstanding tension released from a rubber band. It shook me out of body, so that the words and motions that spilled out of me could flow freely, without rational process.</p><p>"I am so fucking tired of <em>you." </em><br/>I said, jabbing my fingers into his chest.</p><p>"Who even are you? Some lonely, unenlightened fuck that wants to inhabit the high school bully trope so that they can feel like their miserable little life has an inkling of meaning?"</p><p>Hitoshi stepped back, a mixture of shock and confusion. I wanted to keep going. I stepped closer, staring up, the words spitting out of my mouth.</p><p>"I don't even know you, you just keep showing up randomly for <em>no</em> reason.  What is your deal, huh?"</p><p>People were starting to look. Hitoshi grabbed my fingers roughly, pushing them away, "You can't-"</p><p>But I could.</p><p>"You are pathetic. And sad. And unoriginal. <br/>You're also childish as fuck. This whole thing may have worked out for you when you were in grade school, but now you just look like a fucking idiot, and everybody thinks so."</p><p>Hitoshi and friends looked at me, slack jawed. <br/>"Kenma, Kenma, Kenma-" I heard Yamamoto yell warningly from amidst the gathering observers as a fist whistled through the air. <br/>I ducked, narrowly.</p><p>
  <em>Screw it.</em>
</p><p>I balled my hand into a fist, sending one back, catching his nose. There was a sickening crunch. Hitoshi sputtered backwards, cupping his face, "What the FUCK is your problem?" <br/>Tears stung in his eyesHis friends quickly sprang at me. <em>Well, it's as good as time any to die.</em></p><p>"HEY."</p><p>They froze, looking behind my head. <br/><em>Shit.</em></p><p>"Would anyone care to explain what's going on here?"</p><p>The vice principal loomed over us, scowling deeply.</p><p>We were given a week suspension. I wouldn't have cared, if it didn't bar me from participating in qualifiers.The guilt I felt surpassed my emotional threshold to the point of hollowness. The day after the incident, I was supposed to come pick up my class work from the front office. I felt my body rattle against the movement of the train.I looked up at the school, squinting in the sun. I'm sure my team knew, but I hadn't spoken to any of them about it. I had kept my phone off all night.</p><p>I couldn't face them.</p><p>I would take Kuroo rejecting me a thousand times over the idea of disappointing him.</p><p>It was around first period, so the hallways were empty. I thought back to my first day, when I arrived in with the deluge to a similarly vacant building. <br/>I hadn't known what was in store for me, then.</p><p>"No, you listen to me-" <br/>"Young man, I will not have you use that tone with me-"</p><p>I heard a familiar voice coming from the front office.</p><p>"Kenma Kozume is the most central, vital part of Nekoma's volleyball team."</p><p>I peeked through the door, accidentally pushing against it. The large crowd within the office turned to look at me. You could hear a pin drop. The entire volleyball team had clumped around the secretary's desk, surrounding a very overwhelmed pair of administrators. The vice-principal looked very flustered and pale.</p><p>"KENMA!"</p><p>Inuoka jumped on me, pulling me into a hug.The rest of the team gathered, my body smushed into the center of them, catching me off guard. I wanted to sob with relief.</p><p>"Ok, ok, break it up," the vice principal huffed. His forehead was beaded with sweat.</p><p>"How you boys feel about your teammate does not change the fact that he violated school policy and broke an upperclassmen's nose."</p><p>
  <em>I broke his nose?</em>
  <em> Jesus Christ.</em>
</p><p>I heard Yamamoto suppress a laugh. He coughed, composing himself, puffing out his chest. "Kenma was acting in self defense! He was approached first, Hitoshi swung at him first. A large number of students can attest to this."</p><p>"That doesn't change that he-"</p><p>Lev encroached on his space, looming over the smaller man. The vice principal looked up, pained.</p><p>"Should Kenma just have let Hitoshi hit him? That doesn't seem fair..."</p><p>"Well, I-"</p><p>Kuroo grabbed my shoulder firmly, pushing me forward.</p><p>"Kozume is an upstanding student who consistently scores high on tests. He is very important within our club, and he puts in a great deal of labor into the sport. It is irresponsible for you as a leader to punish a student that is not only a victim of your lack of discipline on a known troublemaker, but is also an extremely positive and active member of student body."</p><p>My face flushed as he spoke about me. <br/>There was a fire I hadn't seen before in Kuroo's eyes. He was very composed, but there was a firm weight to his words. He leaned over the vice principal in a way that could've been perceived as intimidation. Kuroo's hand gripped my shoulder increasingly tighter as he spoke, but I didn't mind.</p><p>I felt secure.</p><p>"With him as our setter, we have beat two major powerhouse schools in practice matches, including Fukurodani, who we have never won against in the history of the Nekoma High Volley ball club. Kenma has an incredible ability for strategy, one that we feel confident can lead us to nationals.<br/>I will vouch my reputation on his character." </p><p>There was a chorus of agreement from the team. I felt like I was going to burst, from happiness or embarrassment I didn't know. The vice principal flicked his eyes towards the trophy case that was gathering dust. <br/>"Nationals, you say?"</p><p>Kai nodded, "Yes sir."</p><p>The older man leaned back, his face unreadable. I folded my sleeves around my hands. <br/>"Kozume, do you feel that you live up to your teammate's perception of you?"</p><p>I paused, thinking.</p><p>"I feel that I will dedicate every second of everyday trying to, because I want to be the best I can for them."</p><p>I tried to speak as firmly as possible, maintaining eye contact so he could understand that I really meant what I said. I saw myself reflected in the vice principals eyes, but I saw my team standing with me.</p><p>"Fine. I'll shorten your suspension to today."</p><p>We drowned out the office in noise. <br/>"YES!" <br/>Yamamoto picked me up, hoisting me in the air. <br/>"OKAY-OKAY!", the elderly secretary tapped on her desk, trying to quiet us down.</p><p>We broke out into the hallway after I had collected the schoolwork I needed to do today.</p><p>"Let's do it again, let's do it again!" <br/>Yamamoto jumped up and down, poking at Lev. <br/>"I want to play Kenma!", Lev said, putting his hands on his hips. <br/>"You got to play Kenma last time!" <br/>Lev stuck out his tongue, irritated, "Whatever." The two jumped apart, squaring up as Yamamoto acted as a very exaggerated parody of me.<br/>He pointed at Lev, "You are pathetic! And sad! And unoriginal! AND EVERYBODY THINKS SO!"<br/>Lev threw a slow motion punch, which he ducked. Yamamoto returned the gesture, catching Lev's nose- though the Russian boy had to bend a bit so his face could be reached. <br/>The spun out and away from each other in slow motion.</p><p>"We've watched them do this about 7 times already today.", Yaku muttered. <br/>He turned to me and grinned, laughing to himself. <br/>"What you did was pretty cool, though."</p><p>Kuroo forced everyone to "get their ass back to class" before walking me to the  building's front door. <br/>He held it open and followed me out, his demeanor immediately changing as soon as we were alone.</p><p>"Why the fuck didn't you tell me you were still having problems with them?"</p><p>I shrugged, looking away. "I didn't want to burden you. It wasn't that big of deal."</p><p>"You got suspended, which is a big deal. That affects all of us."</p><p>There it was. My heart caught in my throat.</p><p>"But more importantly, you could've gotten hurt. That affects all of us, because we care about you. I care about you. I don't want you throwing yourself into harmful situations alone. If something happened to you, I don't know what the fuck I would do."</p><p>He put his face in his palms, turning away from me.</p><p>"Nothing was going to happen to me, Kuroo. I'm ok."</p><p>Kuroo exhaled, putting his hands down. He smiled, softly. "I know. And I'm really glad about that." He put his arm out. "C'mere."</p><p>Kuroo pulled me into a tight hug, wrapping his arms around my body, pressing his face into the top of my head. I could hear his heart beat evenly. <br/>"Don't be such a dumbass", he mumbled. <br/>"I'm sorry."</p><p>My face was smushed against his clothes, his body. I could smell the detergent on the fabric. I wanted to fold myself into him and stay there.</p><p>"I'm here for you. You just have to tell me when something's wrong."</p><p>I looked up at him, gazing into his eyes. <br/>"I'm here for you, too."</p><p>The hug ended and my body ached for more.</p><p>
  <em>I like you, I like you, I like you.</em>
</p><p>I wanted to shout it.</p><p>"I'll be by your house around 9 pm. Don't think that just because you're suspended, you get to skip practicing for a day."</p><p>Kuroo lowered his eyes, mischievously.</p><p>"Be ready to do some running."</p><p>I groaned, laughing. "Yes, captain."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0041"><h2>41. The Next Step Approaches</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I don't think feelings can be contained into a single word. "Sadness", "happiness", or "anger" never really describe all of any given emotional sensation. I wish that our language allowed for a weird cross stitching, so that I could have a word to describe <em>"nervously walking through a crowded stadium filled with giant people, feeling like I'm going to throw up while my best friend who I have a crush on rests his hand against my shoulder."</em></p><p>I think, maybe, the word I was looking for was something like:</p><p>AAGHHHFFGSSLLJKSBGLLH.</p><p>"Hey, hey, hey!"</p><p>We saw Bokuto leaping up and down, excitedly. He was given a wide berth and some rude stares.  As one of the top five aces in the country, I'm sure he was widely recognized here.<br/>Bokuto's eyes lit up when he saw the way Kuroo casually rested his hand on me. He looked at me, his mouth widening into a massive grin, "I'm so happy for y-" <br/>I shook my head vigorously. <br/>Akaashi read the room and smacked Bokuto in the stomach so he couldn't continue. "You to be playing today." Kuroo snorted, confused. "Yeah, us too." Akaashi turned red.Bokuto seemed to figure out what was going on. He stood up, throwing a glance at me. <br/>"How ya feeling, Kenma?" I looked around at all the volleyball players. <br/>"Short." <br/>Kuroo cackled, patting the top of my head.</p><p>"Who are you playing?" Bokuto shrugged, causing Akaashi to facepalm, <br/>"Bokuto.. that's important to know." <br/>"I'll figure it out, who are you guys against?" <br/>"Nohebi." <br/>"Ekkkkkk those guys suck."</p><p>Yaku turned around, glancing to our side. "Speak of the devil."</p><p>"Tetsurō Kuroo!" Kuroo looked at me, rolling his eyes. We turned to face an approaching team in green and yellow uniforms. "Hey Suguru."</p><p>Suguru smiled, his eyes squinty. Something about him made me uneasy. "I'm so excited to get a taste of Nekoma's wonderful defense... and teamwork." <br/>The other players from Nohebi chuckled. <br/>"Aw, man. Don't discount our excellent baking skills. We've got that going for us as a team, too", Kuroo shot back, unfazed. Bokuto stifled a laugh.Yamamoto growled. <br/>I hoped he wouldn't go feral.</p><p>Suguru leaned over to another player, "You have to wonder if he's really 6ft, with his hair like that. Seems sus..."</p><p>Kuroo bristled. That one hit a nerve. I watched him force himself into a relaxed posture. "It must be hard to be playing so soon after you've faced such tragedy, what with Mika dumping you and all."</p><p>
  <em>Jesus Christ.</em>
</p><p>Bokuto roared with laughter, "Brooooooo." Suguru was immediately flustered, "HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?" Kuroo shrugged. "My girlfriend told me. You know girls. All that talking they do n' whatever."</p><p>Bokuto gave me a <em>see what I'm talking about </em>look.</p><p>"I WAS THE ONE WHO ENDED OUR RELATIONSHIP." <br/>"No. You weren't."</p><p>Suguru was very red in the face. He took a breath, trying to collect. He pointed at me, "And who the fuck is the shrimp?"</p><p>I looked back at him blankly, "I'm Kenma." <br/>Kuroo nodded, "He's Kenma."</p><p>Suguru leaned down to my eye level, "What, are you their manager or something?"</p><p>Kuroo placed two fingers on Suguru's chest, pushing him back, lightly. He leaned over him, grinning evilly. "Kenma's our setter.. and he's going to lead us in fucking destroying you."</p><p>I felt my eyes widen. This was real. We were going to play a real game. I was seized by a sudden fear.Suguru seemed a bit off put, but he covered. <br/>"We'll see about that."</p><p>Nohebi turned, countering off.</p><p>"That was badass, bro." <br/>"Thanks, bro." <br/>Bokuto and Kuroo fist bumped, as an announcement played that we would be starting our game soon.I felt a weight like a stone in my stomach. But... I also felt the intense electricity of anticipation. After stretching and warming up, we circled up, placing our fists into the circle. Kuroo took a deep breath. I expected him to immediately launch into our corny cheer, but instead he spoke softly.</p><p>"This is it, guys. This is the real game. We've worked impossibly hard to get here. No matter what happens, I have been incredibly honored to be the captain of this team."</p><p>"Ok, ok, ok. Kuroo. It's not the time to be a little bitch. We've got a game to win.", Yaku said, but we could all see his eyes watering up. <br/>My chest hurt, seeing them this way. Kuroo nodded, chuckling. <br/>"You always keep me motivated, old friend."</p><p>We bowed our heads.</p><p>
  <em>We are the blood</em>
  <br/>
  <em>that flows smoothly</em>
  <br/>
  <em>and circulates oxygen,</em>
  <br/>
  <em>so that the "brain"</em>
  <br/>
  <em>can work normally.</em>
</p><p>Everyone gave me a small touch on the shoulder. If we win this game, we can keep going.Kuroo stood next to me, looking up and out. Behind us, the Nekoma cheering squad led by Yamamoto's sister yelled loudly.</p><p>"I'm nervous, are you?", Kuroo muttered to me, quiet enough for only me to hear.</p><p>Of course. Of course I was nervous. If we lost this game, we would never even have a chance at Nationals. I would let down our team, I would let down Kuroo. I wouldn't get to see our team anymore. I wouldn't get to see him as much anymore.</p><p>I would never get a chance to tell him how I felt about him.</p><p>"I'm not nervous."</p><p>Kuroo smiled, confused. "How's that?"</p><p>I looked at him, firmly. <br/>"We will win, Kuroo. Trust me."</p><p>His face stretched into a grin. That little light of determination flooded his eyes.</p><p>"I trust you more than anyone, Kozume."</p><p>Ninety minutes later, I was pressed into the center of a sweaty, screaming throng of bodies. The team was piled on one another, clutching on to arms and shoulders, overwhelmed by joy and exhaustion. On the other side of the net, Nohebi picked up their feet, disappointed. It was a tough game, but in the end we won unscathed. I felt a surge of pride as I watched Kuroo grasp Suguru's hand, firmly. We went and bowed to our supporters, thanking them for coming. Lev and Yamamoto's sisters clung to one another, cheering wildly.</p><p>We were going to nationals.</p><p>After the game, our coaches took us out for a celebratory barbecue. We learned that Fukurodani was the other team that would be representing, though that wasn't surprising. They played a good game. I texted Bokuto and Akaashi, congratulating them.</p><p>The winter winds were doing their best to beat back the coming spring, but everywhere I looked there were small inklings of change. <br/>Kuroo and I sat side by side on the train. <br/>We were two stops from our home. <br/>I sat, stewing in happy pride, but there was a trembling at the edge of my heart.</p><p>
  <em>Do I tell him? </em>
  <br/>
  <em>Do I tell him tonight?</em>
</p><p>Kuroo stared straight ahead, swimming in thought. The train stopped and he slipped his fingers around the inside of my wrist, delicately pulling me to my feet. <br/>"C'mon." <br/>"This isn't our stop."<br/>"Just come on."</p><p>Kuroo rolled his eyes. We stepped out into balmy, night air and began to walk. I stopped, "What are we doing?" Kuroo grinned, the moonlight framing his face in beautiful, luminous panels.</p><p>
  <em>I like you, I like you, I like you.</em>
</p><p>"It's nice out. A little walking won't kill you." <br/>"It might."</p><p>But I trotted up to meet him.</p><p>Our shadows intertwined in the slender light of the street lamp. I was so jealous of those intangible, opaque bodies. I really wanted to hold his hand.Kuroo waited against the blinking of the stoplight. My heart became so full, so wide looking at him. It pressed painfully against my ribs.</p><p>"Kuroo, I-"</p><p>He turned out of profile. I looked at his face and his eyes, the shape of his nose, the way his hair draped over his face. Every single perfect detail. <br/><em>I can't do this. Not right now.</em></p><p>"I'm really excited that we get to go to Nationals." <br/>He chuckled, "Me too."</p><p>Kuroo draped an arm around my shoulders and I felt the tension in my body evaporate with his touch. We crossed the empty street, the pavement wide and blank.</p><p>"You and me together, Kenma."</p><p>I nodded. <br/>How could I tell him I wanted more than this? <br/>I just wanted him. I wanted to be with him. <br/>It was difficult, having his arms around me and not being able to melt into them.</p><p>Difficult, but not impossible.</p><p>I think.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0042"><h2>42. Sato Toga and Him</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was no pause after we won qualifiers. If anything, we were working harder now, doing more practice games with area teams. Nationals was consistently approaching and nothing could stop that. <br/>We were about a week away. <br/>We had to be ready to meet the challenge. <br/>With Kuroo leading us, alongside our coaches, we were reaching peak performance as a team. Everyone could feel the harmonious state we were entering, I could glance at a spiker and they would know exactly what kind of movement I desired from them. It felt good. <br/>It also felt good to be around him.</p><p>My fingers tingled with anticipation, we would be playing a local college club tomorrow. It would be an interesting challenge, playing older, more experienced players. Today we were drilling in anticipation of the match. Not that I cared, <em>obviously. </em>I <em>definitely</em> didn't feel some incredible rush while playing. Volleyball was confusing. I still didn't like being sweaty.</p><p>I rounded the corner and saw Kuroo. <br/>I felt like my heart shake into a stop.</p><p>I saw him propped against the wall, leaning over a tall blond girl. Her arms rested around his waist.</p><p>
  <em>Girlfriend.</em>
</p><p>I had barely taken in the two of them together when I instinctively did a quick 180 and began walking in another direction. <br/>I didn't think I would ever have to see him like that. I guess she didn't feel real in my mind.</p><p>It stung.</p><p>"Kenma!"</p><p><em>I know that voice. </em><br/><em>I know who that voice belongs to. </em><br/>I turned around, taking in Toga and him.</p><p>Some loose threads in my mind found neat knots. I almost wanted to laugh.</p><p>"Hey!", she smiled, her eyes an unfathomable mixture of feeling. Always cheery, always something else beneath the surface. I couldn't get her face out of my head from that day when I had asked her for help. Kuroo had dropped his arm. He looked at me with a particular tension I couldn't figure out. Toga put out a hand, beckoning me closer.</p><p>I did not move.</p><p>"Congrats on qualifiers, by the way! I heard you played great, I'm sad I couldn't make it. I'm so glad I asked Kuroo to keep an eye on you, it seems to have been really beneficial to you both!"</p><p>
  <em>Keep an eye on me?</em>
</p><p>I didn't look at her. I looked at him. He did not look at me. I looked at Toga. <br/>"What do you mean?"</p><p>"You just seemed so sad on your first day and when I went back to the front office, with what happened to your dad and all. It must be so, so hard I'm sure."</p><p>Kuroo was trying to cut off Toga off with a glance. I watched his hand rest on her back, warningly. I watched his hand rest on her back.</p><p>"Who knew you would be so good at volleyball? It's so nice when things work out for everyone, I really just need to pat myself on the back."</p><p>"Sato, please.", Kuroo murmured.</p><p>Kuroo had been hanging out with me because.. his girlfriend told him to? There is an infinite and cruel sense of humor in the world.</p><p>He and I had shouted our trust for each other off of bridges, we had whispered it in words only for us.</p><p>None of that had been real, though.</p><p>He lied. He lied about his interest in me. <br/>He lied to me about the nature of our relationship. Even if it had grown into something unexpected, we lacked a foundational truth to begin with, and what was any building that lacked a structure to support it? The realization that I didn't know him in the ways I thought stuck into my gut like a knife.</p><p>I turned my eyes towards Kuroo, fixing my gaze upon him with as much of me as I could.</p><p>"Why did you ask about my dad if you knew?"</p><p>Kuroo looked at me, his face blank. <br/>"I, I don't know. I figured maybe you would want to talk about it, you know.."</p><p>He trailed off, this distant stranger who had stolen the face of the boy I was so, so enthralled by.I turned around and walked away. I moved through the school halls, beyond the building, away, away, away.</p><p>"Kenma! Kenma, wait."</p><p>I ignored him, walking faster, walking to the train, away, away, away.</p><p>"Kenma!"</p><p>My walk turned into a run, but he caught me, gripping my wrist and spinning me to face him. "You can't out run me. You're not faster than me because you slack on laps in practice.", Kuroo said, cooly. I wrangled my hand out of his grasp.</p><p>"Am I a project to you? Do you pity me?"</p><p>"No, you're obviously not some pity project, of course I feel bad and empathize that you had to go through something so horrible- but.."</p><p>He trailed off, placing his hands behind his head.</p><p>"Yes. Sato told me to keep an eye on you, so I followed you after school which is why I was there."</p><p>I would not look away from him, "Are you still hanging out with me because she told you to?"</p><p>Kuroo's eyes ignited, pissed off. "Of course not, Kenma. Don't be dumb. When I saw you move, I knew you could be.."</p><p>I saw Toga floating in the background, watching us speak.</p><p>She seemed happy.</p><p>I felt like I was losing pieces of myself. <br/>I finished Kuroo's sentence for him.</p><p>"That I could be your setter. That I could support you in your dreams of going to Nationals. That we could <em>benefit</em> each other.", the words dropped from my mouth, heavy and punctuated.</p><p>He looked down at his shoes, "Well, yes, but obviously-"</p><p>"Do you care about me? Me as me? Or do you care about me as a piece of your team?"</p><p>Kuroo gritted his teeth, "Kenma, that's not-" I put my hands up, backing away from him towards the station.</p><p>"It doesn't matter. I quit. I don't care much for volleyball anyways."</p><p>My feet sunk into the concrete, creating a heavy and permanent trail away from him.</p><p>"HEY."</p><p>I turned to face him, instinctively. Kuroo looked impossibly different, his face a contortion of frustration and distress. He took a step forward.</p><p>"What do you care about then, huh? Why have you stuck around?"</p><p>If I didn't hurt so much, I could laugh. He was unfathomably stupid. I walked up, as nose to nose as I could be with the taller boy. He leaned back, instinctively, but I held my ground. My eyes flicked briefly to Toga, the spectator and instigator in all of this. I took a breath.</p><p>"I like you. Kuroo. As more than a friend, you fucking idiot. I just thought you should know, since you seem to know a lot of things about me that I wasn't aware of."</p><p>I watched his mouth form a small O as I turned, ducking into the train station.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0043"><h2>43. The Third Bedroom In My Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I got home, slipping off my shoes by the door. My mother wasn't there, of course. I looked around at the plain house, the unadorned walls. I didn't bother to turn on the lights. My home is empty, it is filled with nothing but loose furniture, myself, and sometimes my mom. There is an ache for safety in all of us. Home, often, can manifest as a place to go and not be questioned. But ours was empty. <br/>It was vacant of life. <br/>We could each pack a suitcase, get on a train, leaving behind only the soft fingerprints that collect on worn door knobs.</p><p>That is, if I discounted the room across from my mother's.</p><p>I hadn't been in there since the first day we moved in.</p><p>I let my feet carry me across the cold floor, until I hovered before the door, my hand resting lightly on the handle.</p><p>I pushed.</p><p>I looked at a small portrait of myself, hanging on the wall. A little black haired boy grinning between a mother and a father, squished against them, his eyes wide. <br/>I could not recognize myself. This was the room where the last of my father was accumulated. The clothes pulled from closets and drawers, the bedding he and my mother slept on, his books, his shoes. His shoes were still caked with dry earth. Our photos scattered the walls, young pictures of him and my mother, pictures of him and I, photo booth strips and old Polaroids cracked with water. There was even a box filled with crumpled receipts, handwritten notes he stuck up for himself to remind him to buy milk or take medication.</p><p>It was a collage, a dump, an altar to my father's life.</p><p>We are formed by the handfuls of wisdom our parents dole out to us and the mistakes we make for ourselves.</p><p>I feel like, right now, all I have are the mistakes.</p><p>I looked up at the photo on the wall. I would do anything for some guidance, some care right now.</p><p>He had expressed his love for me with the same intensity under which he hid his sadness. We would walk long hours through the woods and he would tell me the names of the different kinds of plants. I couldn't remember them anymore. I don't know why he thought we would be better without him.</p><p>That uncontrollable tension, so often kindly subdued, poured over me.</p><p>I was so angry.</p><p>I was angry that we were in this city, so far away from the familiarity of my childhood. <br/>I was angry that my mother wasn't around. <br/>I was angry that Kuroo had lied. <br/>I was angry at my father, for everything. He had been the catalyst in all of this. I was angry that he wasn't with me anymore.</p><p>I laid on the ground, resting my head against an old winter coat of his. I felt so heartsick and so empty, I had a desire long deferred to be told what to do. <br/>Funerals come and go, you grieve heavily, but you do not realize that the occupation of mourning will be one you hold the rest of your life. Any little bad thing just exacerbates that infinite ache and there had been quite a few little, bad things lately. I laid on my back, my tears sliding from eyes, pooling into my ears uncomfortably.</p><p>"So, Dad."</p><p>I felt stupid, talking to air. Talking to nothing. Talking to a space that didn't exist. My breath was shaky.</p><p>"So, Dad. There's this boy I like. I hope that's ok, that I like boys. I'm guessing it probably is, because you were, you were- yeah."</p><p>I wrapped my arms around my body.</p><p>"I just... I just don't really know what to do. Because he's not really.. he's not exactly who I thought he was. He keeps things from me, but we.. I don't know. We had a fight and I told him. I really like him, so I just kind of laid it all out.."</p><p>I looked at the portrait, the smile lines that crinkled around his eyes. My body began to cry with a trembling resonance. I wrapped myself in the coat and in the memories, pulling them tight around me. I hadn't done this before, cried in this gross, loud way. The sobs continued out of me, distant and rough. <br/>I cried for all the familiarity I had lost. <br/>I cried for my dad, for Kuroo, for the friends I had made, for myself.</p><p>"Kenma?"</p><p>I looked up, my vision blurred, to see my mother standing in the door. She sank to her knees, pressing her hands on either side of my face, stroking my hair. I laid my head in her lap, the way I did when I was a little kid, and cried. I didn't get up until the sun set. She sat with me the whole time. My mother told me to go shower, to rinse off the day while she made dinner. <br/>I let the warm water run over my skin, my tired face. I sat across from her, just the two of us, at our small table.</p><p>She made soup.</p><p>Between sips of warm broth, I told her everything. I told her about how school had been hard, how lonely I had been, how I met Kuroo and joined the volleyball team, how I felt about him.</p><p>"Is that ok?" <br/>My mother smiled, "Of course it is, Kenma."</p><p>I told her what had happened today. She didn't know what to say, exactly. That was ok. It felt good to talk, we hadn't done that in a long time. It felt good to share how we felt, together, instead of simply coexisting. There was a light, dim beneath her eyes, one that had been missing for the last couple months.</p><p>I felt the small memory of family. <br/>It was a start.</p><p>"Mom.", I said, pressing my forehead into the table. "I really don't want to go to school tomorrow." She put her hand on my head again. <br/>"That's ok. You can take a day off."</p><p>I nodded, grateful. I helped her clean, washing the bowls by hand. It was late, now. The tiny stars that could survive the light pollution glowed defiantly.</p><p>There was a knock at the door. My mother went to see who was here, mumbling something about some mail she was anticipating, which I found curious. It was rather late for mail. <br/>"It's not the best time..", her voice carried from the front of the house. <br/>"Please, Mrs. Kozume, can I see him?"</p><p>
  <em>Oh.</em>
</p><p>His voice is forever a magnet for me. My body moved beyond me, towards the door. There was Kuroo, covered in a thin film of sweat, his eyes dark and wide.</p><p>
  <em>Something was wrong.</em>
</p><p>I looked at my mother. She nodded, understanding. "I'm going to go fold laundry.. or something."</p><p>It was just him and I, now. <br/>I couldn't bring myself to look at him, it was too much. <br/>I gestured, softly. <br/>"Come in."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0044"><h2>44. I'll Carry Your Weight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I wanted to remain internally united against Kuroo, but rejecting the desire to invite him in would be like starving the flesh off my own body. He looked at me with those brown eyes that made me feel breakable. I turned away, watching as Kuroo's chest heaved up and down. He had been running quickly.</p><p>"Do you want some water?", I mumbled.</p><p>"Yes, please."</p><p>I poured him a glass, unable to escape his gaze. Kuroo stood awkwardly in the front entryway. My fingers touched his as I handed it to him and I felt a cool shiver run through my blood.The uncontrollable sensation made me angry with myself. It was painful and absurd, longing for impossible things. Kuroo gave me a half smile. I just stared at him.</p><p>"Do you-" / "I-"</p><p>We spoke at the same time, turning twin shades of red. Kuroo gestured for me to speak.</p><p>"Do you want to go outside?"</p><p>He nodded and followed me to my small backyard, where darkness had quickly fallen. I had taken him out here with the mind that under the night's shade, I wouldn't have to look at his face, but the inner glow of the city cast enough light to softly illuminate him. We sat in silence, him and I, neither of us knowing how to cross the threshold of conversation.</p><p>"I told them you were sick. At practice."<br/>"I quit." <br/>"I know. I just... yeah."</p><p>He bowed his head, pressing his lips together.</p><p>"My mom called me, as we were cleaning up, and told me to come straight home because of an emergency. I did, panicking the whole time, only to find Sato's at the table with my mom and my dad, telling them she's worried about me."</p><p>I looked at him, but he didn't meet my eyes. The sound of a car passed.</p><p>"Why?"</p><p>Kuroo sighed, letting the weight of his breath settle him.</p><p>"She told them that she was worried because I've been acting strange, that I was making choices that weren't in line with our <em>values."</em></p><p>"What does that mean?"</p><p>"She told them I was gay."</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>The night breeze blew against my face, reminding me of the still present effects of winter.</p><p>"Are you?"</p><p>He still wouldn't look at me, staring straight ahead. I watched him mediate his own thoughts.</p><p>"I don't know."</p><p>I folded and unfolded my hands, "What did your dad do?"</p><p>Kuroo shrugged, then bent down, resting his torso against his knees, so that his spine folded neatly. His voice was muffled as he spoke. "I don't know. I just ran away. And I came here because.. I didn't know where else I could go."</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>I thought about the sinister coldness that Kuroo's father beckoned into any room. I thought about the way he cruelly imposed his expectations on Kuroo. I would've run, too. <br/>But that didn't change that Kuroo had hurt me.</p><p>"Why are you dating her?"</p><p>He turned, resting his cheek against his thigh, finally looking at me.</p><p>"I heard she liked me. I asked her out because she's pretty. That was at the very beginning of high school. My parents like her, or my dad does, at least. She's ambitious and smart. She's just also a possessive, insecure person. I think a lot of her mistakes come out of that insecurity."</p><p>I didn't really care much about Toga's psyche, why she was the way she was, or why he had been drawn to her. I wanted to know why, now. I wanted to know why I had been involved in all of this mess, why my feelings had been entangled into this web of conflict.</p><p>"She did really want me to look out for you in the beginning after she found out why you came to Nekoma. Call it charitable spirit or morbid curiosity, I don't know. Probably the latter. But...after I started spending so much time with you, she got jealous."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>I turned away, closing my eyes. I heard Kuroo's breath catch. He was crying, softly, I think. I didn't want to open my eyes, to press myself against him in comfort. I just let him have his moment to himself. Everyone has their problems, their baggage, the confusion they carry around in their pockets. Our minds and bodies are only given to us once, to run and burn, to feed and starve, to touch and to push away. <br/>The wear on Kuroo's heart was not dissimilar to my own.</p><p>"I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth about how we met. You aren't a project to me, Kenma."</p><p>I opened my eyes, staring back into his. I felt like I would crumble, like I would burst. The corners of his face were wet. I reached my hand out, tentatively wiping away the damp. Kuroo leaned against my palm, the warmth of his body clashing with the cold of mine, like a coming thunderstorm.</p><p>My thoughts gnawed at me. <br/>"If I hadn't come to our school you would've had a much easier senior year."</p><p>I retracted my hand from his face, pressing my fingers against my own, feeling the heat they now carried.</p><p>Kuroo chuckled softly, "Maybe, but I wouldn't have wanted it differently." <br/>I shrugged, doubtful.</p><p>"I feel like I'm just dead weight to you."</p><p>There was that half smile, that look on his face that inspired my general state of longing, my renewed hunger for life from the very first time I laid eyes on him.</p><p>"Well. I'll carry your weight. If you carry mine."</p><p>I turned away, "Stop it."</p><p>"Kenma. Hey." <br/>He commanded my attention back to him.</p><p>"I see things, differently, because of you. I see you. You have given me hope in ways I never thought to be possible."</p><p>I rolled my eyes, "Hope to win Nationals?"</p><p>Kuroo deflected my jest, looking at me with divine intensity.</p><p>"It's... bigger than that. I never knew I could look at another human being and understand them so completely. Understand that I could depend on them, trust them. I never meant to mislead you. I promise."</p><p>He paused, taking a breath.</p><p>"You are everything to me."</p><p>It came out, a brief whisper condensing and dissipating in the cool night air. I almost wasn't sure if I heard him right.</p><p>"Everything?"</p><p>Kuroo nodded, "Look around."</p><p>I did. Dew silhouetted the meager blades of grass that formed my small patch of backyard. The chain link fence rusted. The sporadic Tokyo skyline cast a purple hue, a glow nestled in the corners of the sky. Far above our heads, a few stars pushed defiantly against the inky blackness.</p><p>"Look farther than that."</p><p>I let my mind's eye wander, I let my gaze expand to the entire urban diorama I had seen from the top of the SkyTree. <br/>The memories he and I shared stretched father than the confines of the city. They were a collection of the beautiful and the extraordinary, the insignificant and the mundane. Each moment we had together formed a vivid and harmonious constellation that was the experience of <em>us</em>. <br/>We had seen so much.</p><p>It felt great and universal, but also distinctively our own.</p><p>Kuroo smiled. I could tell he was having the same thoughts as I. His words were measured.</p><p>"If you want to, imagine everything we haven't seen yet. You are all of that to me."</p><p>I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what you could say to something like that, the possibility that dripped from his words, the acres of uncharted experiences.I got up, ducking inside. <br/>I returned with a volleyball, tossing it into his hands. Kuroo chuckled. <br/>"Toss for me?" <br/>We passed it back and forth in the tiny grass space, listening to the sound of contact in the dark. <br/>We did this for awhile, until both of our fingers felt brittle.</p><p>Kuroo held the ball against his chest, "Do you want to go do your thing now?"</p><p>He threw it back and I received it with ease, bumping the volleyball up, catching it.</p><p>"This is our thing, you know."</p><p>We got ready for bed. I let him borrow my clothes again, though they were still ridiculously short on him. We sat side by side in bed, playing Mario Kart, laughing softly as if none of the day's events had transpired. When it reached midnight, Kuroo put down the controller. <br/>"I should sleep, I have practice in the morning." <br/>He raised an eyebrow at me, "Do you?"</p><p>I paused, briefly, then nodded. "Yeah. I do."</p><p>Kuroo's face lit up, then settled. We looked at one another, curiously.</p><p>"Do you want to stay? Or should I go sleep on the couch..."</p><p>Kuroo looked down, then out over the room. <br/>"Can you stay?"</p><p>I nodded. I got up and turned out the lights, then laid down next to him. We stayed on our backs, staring up at the ceiling, until his voice came out as a mere whisper.</p><p>"Kenma?"</p><p>"Mhm."</p><p>"I can't give you an answer on how I feel about you, right now."</p><p>"That's ok."</p><p>It really was. It had been a difficult realization, how I felt. I understood that it was another thing he needed to process on his own.</p><p>"Can I.."</p><p>His voice trailed off.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Can I hold you? Is that mean to ask, knowing-", Kuroo stuttered.</p><p>I took his hand and put it around my waist, leaning back against him until our pulses synced.</p><p>"It might be a little mean, because I do like you, Kuroo. But I also like this. A lot."</p><p>He nodded, his lips grazing the back of my neck. "I like this, too. I do know that." Our bodies folded together as Kuroo held me against him, tighter. Securely.</p><p>"After Nationals. Let's talk. Ok?"</p><p>He pressed his face into my hair.</p><p>"Ok."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0045"><h2>45. Our New Normal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I woke up with my face pressed into his chest, our alarm blaring. Kuroo squeezed me tightly, then sat up, stretching. We got dressed in comfortable silence together, heading to the kitchen. My mother, on her way out the door, raised an eyebrow at me as Kuroo trailed out of my room. "Good morning, Mrs. Kozume!" <br/>He waved, yawning. She waved back, a bit confused. <br/>I felt my face get hot. <br/>There was a pot of coffee left out for us, cutting the air with fine lines of steam. We drank, grabbed some food for our lunches, and headed out into the vivid morning.</p><p>It felt good to be back in the frenzy of energy that was morning practice. I even felt the slightest bit grateful to be running laps. As we warmed up, Lev pitched the idea that we should develop a new play that involved throwing me through the air to meet the ball. I had to run a bit faster to keep them from trying it. <br/>I loved catching Kuroo's eye as I rounded the corners of the gym.</p><p>After practice, Yamamoto and I walked to our homeroom together, chatting idly.</p><p>Well, I was listening as he spoke loudly.</p><p>Suddenly, a silence crept over the hall, an insidious cold that even disrupted Yamamoto's story about how he had made eye contact with a girl on the train. <br/>I felt the temperature drop as I turned to see Sato Toga making a frigid beeline towards me, disrupting movement patterns and papers as she stormed through the other students. <br/>Yamamoto looked at me, his eyes wide with unusual fear. <br/>The taller girl's friends chased after her, a cavalry with a trajectory straight towards me. They seemed a bit hesitant to follow her, though.</p><p>Toga stuck a manicured finger out, shrieking, "I WAS SO NICE TO YOU AND YOU RUINED EVERYTHING."</p><p>Everyone in the hallway turned to watch. <br/>She looked completely unhinged, panting slightly, the whites of her eyes gleaming for blood.</p><p>"DID HE-"</p><p>I flicked my eyes away from hers and towards the top of her head, where a black line had grown out around her blond hair.</p><p>"Your roots are showing."</p><p>Toga gaped like a fish and placed a hand on top of her head. Yamamoto could barely stifle a laugh. I gestured for him to follow me and we slipped past, heading to class, leaving her dumbstruck and alone in the center of the hall.<br/>I wasn't playing her game anymore.</p><p>At lunch, Yamamoto was recounting to the team our morning's escapades, when there was a soft knock on the club room door. Yaku opened it to reveal Kuroo, who blushed bashfully. <br/>"Is it ok if I eat with you guys?" <br/>There was a roar of excitement, some celebration of Kuroo's freedom from the shackles of "simp-dom."<br/>He sat down next to me on the spongy carpet. <br/>Lev and Yaku bickered loudly. Kai sat quietly amused, next to Teshiro. Shibayama and Inuoka frantically studied for a test they had after lunch, as Yamamoto began to pester Fukunaga about a pretty classmate he had seen him with.</p><p>Kuroo flashed me a smile. <br/>I felt at ease.</p><p>Everything was finally as it should be.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0046"><h2>46. Opening Ceremony</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Number 5, Kozume Kenma, Setter!"</p><p>The lights were blinding, the stadium vast and infinitely populated by players and supporters. I trotted out in line with my team, joining the rows and rows of our competitors. My ears burned as my name was announced over the cheers and flashes of cameras. Ahead, Kuroo solemnly carried our banner.</p><p>After months of preparation, this was it. <br/>We were really here.</p><p>I looked around, but I couldn't find Fukurōdani or Karasuno among the crowd, they were folded too deeply into the mass.</p><p>Shōyō had texted me that they had beaten Shiratorizawa to represent the Miyagi prefecture. I suppose that meant the Karasuno star had reached it's full potential. I wondered what it would be like if we encountered them again in the coming days.</p><p>The Spring Interhigh is held at the Tokyo Metropolitan Gymnasium, though I'm told it used to be held at the Yoyogi Gymnasium. There's a first, second, and third round. Then quarter-finals. Then semi-finals. Finally... well, I assume it's pretty clear. It's a single elimination, sudden death tournament. One lost match, no advancement. <br/>The unexpected possibility of a premature ending made me sick to my stomach.</p><p>I stared up at the back of Kuroo's head at the front of our line. He held his chin high, proud and steady.</p><p>We could do this. We could do this, together.</p><p>After the opening ceremony, an orange ball of energy crashed it to me, "SORRY KENMA!" I couldn't help but smile, "Hey, Shoyo. Congratulations on beating Shiratorizawa."</p><p>He beamed, "Thank you!"</p><p>"Who are you playing first?" I mumbled, pleased but caught off guard by the intensity of his smile. Shoyo bounced on his heels, "Tsubakihara Academy!" <br/>I nodded, pretending like I knew who they were. <br/>"What about you?" <br/>I flicked my eyes over to Kuroo, who nonchalantly called back, "Kiyokawa High."<br/>He was deep in a one sided conversation with that tall blond boy, I hadn't even known he was listening to Shoyo and I. <br/>I blushed, despite myself. <br/>"Hey." <br/>I turned back to Shoyo. His eyes glimmered with an unusual light, something harder and more serious.<br/>"Do your best, ok? I'm going to play you in the finals." <br/>I stared down the smaller boy, a smile creeping on to my face. <br/>"I'll see you there."</p><p>Their setter, Kageyama, appeared behind him. He slouched slightly, his face grim and intimidating. Kageyama gave me a dark look, and firmly grabbed Shoyo's hand. <br/>Shoyo looked up, confused but happy, his hair swishing against his brow.</p><p>
  <em>I've been there, buddy.</em>
</p><p>"Hinata, come on, we have to go warm up.", the taller boy muttered, dragging Shoyo away and into the crowd. He yelled his goodbyes, jumping up and down as he was submerged into the frenzy of activity. I felt a hand on the small of my back. It rested there, just for a second. Kuroo slid into my field of vision.</p><p>"Hey." <br/>"Hey, hey."</p><p>A sudden surge of confidence suddenly rippled through me, "You looked really good standing up there, holding our banner." Kuroo went bright red, turning away. "Are you flirting with me?", he muttered. I shrugged defiantly. <br/>"Yeah."</p><p>He grinned, shaking his head. Kuroo clapped his hands, getting the teams attention. "Let's go warm up! We've got a game to play soon." <br/>Yaku wrinkled his nose, "Why is your face all red?" <br/>Kuroo turned a deeper shade of scarlet. <br/>"It is NOT."</p><p>I took a moment, taking it all in. <br/>This was all really happening. <br/>We had stretched beyond our limits into a new definition of potential. <br/>Our first game was in an hour, and we were ready to win.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>ahhhhHHHH thank you so much for all the support on this story so far. I just wanted to give a heads up that it is drawing to a close soon, but there will be a spin off / kind of sequel that I've already written a lot of ! <br/>thanks for going on this journey with me!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0047"><h2>47. Karaoke</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Come on, come on, come on!"</p><p>Hinata darted back and forth, weaving through the center of the street. His hair looked fluorescent under the pink neon. On the walk from the train station, he had stopped half a billion times to inspect everything that rolled into his path.</p><p>"Kageyama, look! There's an electronic store almost EXACTLY like the one by school-"</p><p>"DUMBASS, It's not like we're in a foreign country, of course-"</p><p>I watched the Karasuno third years chuckle softly at the bickering first years, their hands shoved in their pockets as our group walked down the street. I felt warm from the miso broth I had at dinner, but the cold still stung my cheeks.</p><p>"It's right at the end of this block!", Bokuto declared confidently.</p><p>"It's one road over.", Akaashi muttered softly.</p><p>"It's one road over!"</p><p>Beside me, Kuroo rolled his eyes. His coat collar was turned up, brushing against his jawline. I got a bit too fixated studying the way the dark wool collected against his skin and tripped over myself. Kuroo caught my shoulder, pulling me upright before I could fall. He raised his eyebrows. I made a face at him.</p><p>We had won our first three games. The day had felt like a frenzied, stressful blur. I wanted to crumple with exhaustion, but we had promised to take Karasuno on a brief Tokyo expedition. It wasn't often that they had the chance to come out to city and we all had reason to celebrate. None of us had been eliminated.. yet. Our bodies may have been tired, but everyone's spirits were astronomically high. The joy was palpable in the cool evening air. Bokuto proudly gestured to the glimmering tungsten sign that read out "KARAOKE".</p><p>I wrinkled my nose, subconsciously kneading my feet into the ground.</p><p>"I can't believe you guys dragged me into this.", I muttered.</p><p>Hinata grabbed my left wrist, "It's going to be fun!"</p><p>I shook my head, pressing my heels harder against the curb. Kuroo grabbed my right hand, and Bokuto firmly grasped my shoulders. The three push/pulled me into the narrow building as if I were a rag doll. The interior was adorned with sticky vinyl couches and cheap, plush carpet. Everything was blue and green, it looked as though a glow stick had exploded onto every surface. Hinata's eyes gleamed brighter than the disco ball.</p><p>Bokuto flipped a mic into his hand.</p><p>"Hey, hey, hey! Who's up first?"</p><p>I sat next to Kuroo, bemused, as Yamamoto, Tanaka, and Nishinoya sang their third song dedicated to Karasuno's manager- who wasn't even present. They sounded like dying cats, so it was probably best that their tribute went unheard. It was hard to reconcile their current actions with the boys I had seen decimate the court today. I had briefly dropped in, hoping to cheer on Shoyo, only to discover my cheers were all but unneeded. The Karasuno star was a now monolith, a miniature sun that burned a hole straight through the gymnasium floor. In the set I watched, they played with unmatched ferocity, a strategic use of each player's raw power. It was a cool contrast to our lucid, collective style of team work. We were two well functioning, but immensely different machines.</p><p>I really didn't know what the outcome would be if we were to play them.</p><p>Kuroo snapped his fingers, pulling me out of my head, reminding me to be present. He was right. Tomorrow's battles were best left until then. In the mean time, I could enjoy some terrible Britney Spears renditions.</p><p>I looked over at him, "You don't sing?" </p><p>His slumped over, laughing. "Only under very specific circumstances that have yet to be met. And I'm  figuring you don't sing either."  He was right. I had progressed a lot as a person these past couple months, in a multitude of ways, but I still wasn't the type to jump up for karaoke. That was ok. Being around my team made me realize that it was alright if I was a bit quiet, a bit buried in my own head. What wasn't ok was to allow the weight of my natural shyness pin me down. I was really happy to be here, to watch from the couch.  </p><p>"Tsukki, pleaaaase!" </p><p>"No." </p><p>"Why not?" </p><p>Karasuno's pinch server, Yamaguchi, was pulling their blond middle blocker up to the front. Eventually, Tsukishima yielded, though he simply stood next to other boy. He held the mic, neglecting to sing, but I caught his face softening slightly as Yamaguchi grinned up at him. </p><p>"Stingyshima, don't be lame!", Hinata complained. He and Inuoka bounced to the front, launching into an awful, energetic pop song.</p><p>"Can I sit here?" </p><p>"Um. Yeah." </p><p> Kageyama, that scary setter, plunked down beside me. He huffed, his bangs fluttering. Without an ounce of subtlety, he leaned forward, bewitched by Hinata. Hinata and Inuoka crowded over the mic, laughing. Kageyama's eyes were full of a light I knew from my own mirror. I chuckled. </p><p>In time, the two of them would figure it out. </p><p>I made a promise to myself to be there for Hinata in the same way Bokuto had supported me if it was ever needed. He had been right. Sometimes, you could just tell with people. </p><p>The ace in question launched a microphone across the room, a deadly projectile that Kuroo caught with ease. </p><p>"Is it time, Bokubro?" </p><p>He nodded, looking devilish. "Kuroo, my guy, the hour has arrived." </p><p>Apparently, the right conditions for Kuroo to sing revolved around dueting Celine Dion's <em>My Heart Will Go On</em>. He perched up on the couch, his arms spread wide like he was at the helm of the Titanic, while Bokuto dropped to a knee. </p><p>"NEAAAAAR!" </p><p>"FAAARRRR!" </p><p>"WHEREVER YOU ARE!" </p><p>My eyebrows raised higher and higher, my face a mask of bewildered amusement. Kuroo caught my eye as he launched into the next verse and winked. My heart did a high dive.He and I walked around like we had a secret, which I suppose we did. We had postponed our discussion of our relationship until we won nationals, but there was a warmth, a levity between us. It felt good. </p><p>Players from Fukurodani, Karasuno, and Nekoma mingled among each other, pouring over song lists, laughing and chatting. I sat in the center of it all, enjoying every second. Hinata joined me, folding his legs beneath him. He happily swayed with the music. Lev leaned over from the back of the couch, asking for me to pick between two songs I had never heard of since he and Yaku could not agree on which they should sing. Akaashi and the Karasuno captain, Daichi, surveyed the group like proud fathers. Bokuto and Kuroo finished out the end of their song, their arms grandly outstretched. </p><p>My life would be so drab and empty without these people. </p><p>I would've missed out on so many variations of love. </p><p>We smushed ourselves back on to the train, careful not to stay out late with our matches tomorrow. I sat between Kuroo and Hinata, showing Hinata a new game I had downloaded to my phone. I let him have a turn. The train car hummed and shook. After Karasuno left, I leaned into Kuroo's shoulder.  I let sleep drift over me, knowing he would wake me as soon as we got to our stop. Tomorrow, we would play Fukurodani for the quarter finals. It would be interesting to play another match against Bokuto and Akaashi, now that we were all wiser to the other's tricks. I needed all the rest I could get. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0048"><h2>48. Our Friends, Our Captain, Our Risk</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We were losing.</p><p>I felt like complete utter shit.</p><p>Bokuto's flippancy as a player couldn't be used against him in this game, no matter what strategy I had devised.  His spikes viciously tore through the court. Karasuno had come to watch, having won their game. I could hear Hinata yelling from the stands, but I couldn't make out what he was saying. Fukurodani had taken the first set by a wide enough margin to be embarrassing. We had surged forward for a section of the second game, stung by the loss, but they had recovered. I was failing my team once again. Fukurodani was leading 23-20. My body was wet with perspiration, my jersey clung to my chest. Kuroo was quiet. I looked over at him, hunched and tired, his whole body tense. This couldn't be the end, not like this.</p><p>Akaashi caught my eye through the net as they went to serve again, having just scored on us. Though we were good friends off the court, here, our goals were conflicting.</p><p>I looked back at Akaashi and he gave me a small nod of understanding.</p><p>Nothing about this was easy for him and I. We both had a deep love for Kuroo and Bokuto, but they were third years. Our actions would let them stay on the court a bit longer, would let them continue to play the game they had devoted their lives to.</p><p>For both of us, this could be the last time we worked alongside them, depending on the outcome.</p><p>It made me frustrated, playing against them. We had all had such a good time together last night. I didn't want to pull apart the body Bokuto and Akaashi had built with such care. They were my friends and I didn't want to hurt them in the way losing would. I knew they felt the same about us.  However, that didn't change the fact that only one of us could walk away from the court as a victor. Kuroo brushed his fingers over my shoulder. I looked up at him, silent communication passing between us. This fight wasn't over, we just.. we just needed to figure something out. The road didn't end here. He called a time out.</p><p>We huddled together, heads bowed. I could feel everyone looking at me, expecting me to have devised another strategy to pull us into a victory. My face burned with shame. The match was too equal, the stakes were to high. I couldn't conjure a plan out of thin air on my own. I looked to Kuroo, about to apologize, but he was smiling. He leaned back with ease, placing his hands on his hips. I could tell he was pretending to be less tired than he was.</p><p>"Alright, alright. I'm still the captain of this team. I might not be as smart as Kenma when it comes to plans, but I'm not completely useless."</p><p>Yaku rolled his eyes, breathing heavily. He had been working double time to save as many of Bokuto's spikes as possible. "What do ya got, then?"</p><p>Kuroo put his hand to his forehead, wiping off sweat. "We've played Fukurodani for a long time. I think, out of all the teams, we have the closet relationship with them. We know them well, and they know us. Especially the third years. That makes this more difficult."</p><p>I knew he meant that difficulty was both physical and emotional. I studied our reflected huddle in the polished wood floor. I think I knew what Kuroo was getting at, but it was too risky. And maybe a bit stupid.</p><p>"Make your point, we don't have a lot of time.", Yaku grumbled.</p><p>"Nekoma has a legacy that must survive after we leave. We can fight now to cement that, to show that all of our players are formidable. We can at least make a path before we leave. Do you get what I'm saying, Kenma?"</p><p>I did. I pointed at Lev. "You watch Bokuto. Take Kuroo's role."</p><p>The tall boy went violently pale, "Me?"</p><p>Kuroo shrugged, "It's unpredictable. I've played with Bo for years, he's used to trying to get around me. He barely knows anything about you." Kuroo grinned, mischievously. "Besides, you underclassmen need to step it up if we're going to have a chance next year. It'll make me look way cooler if we're a two time National's winning team and you guys have to say it's all thanks to training of your dear old captain."</p><p>Lev looked stoic, serious. I had never seen such an expression on him. "Okay. Let's do this."</p><p>Even Yaku looked a bit impressed by his determination. We put out hands in, touching fists, then broke back into the game. I could tell Kuroo was a bit sad. He liked being the hero, the star blocker of Nekoma. It was convoluted to pull such a wildcard idea so late in the game, but nothing we had done was concretely working to reverse the polarity.</p><p>I swung out my leg, kicking Lev in the ankle. "Don't be dumb."</p><p>He didn't protest, only nodding as we took our spots. As Kuroo took his place opposite to me, Lev loomed up to the net, standing over Bokuto. He grinned, his bangs making an eerie shadow over his eyes. "Hey, shorty." Lev's attempt at intimidation made me want to double over laughing, but Bokuto looked confused and concerned. "AKAASHIIII!" Akaashi sighed, "He's only three inches taller than you. Calm down."</p><p>He looked back at me, "Interesting choice." I shrugged. It wasn't one I could take credit for.</p><p>I snuck a glance at Kuroo. He glowed with a compelling inward pride. The ball was served. Yamamoto received it, but accidentally over shot the distance. "Sorry!"</p><p>Akaashi set it to Bokuto. I watched his feet shift ever so slightly on the ground as he jumped in the air. "Lev! He's going to do a line shot!"</p><p>Lev sprung up, jumping at his full height, becoming a shield. I saw him wince as Bokuto's spike thundered off his body. Whether intentional or not, he sent their ball crashing onto the floor. It smacked into Bokuto's forehead on the way down, a beautiful, clumsy symphony orchestrated by both players. Lev raised his arms in celebration and the tension broke. Our whole team roared with laughter.</p><p>"WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT KIND OF BLOCK WAS THAT?"</p><p>"WELL, IT WORKED!"</p><p>"YOU LOOKED LIKE A FLOPPING FISH!"</p><p>Fukurodani was also trying not to laugh, as Bokuto dramatically clutched his forehead, embarrassed. Akaashi chuckled. This felt better.</p><p>Here we were again, just friends separated by a net like in all the practice games we had played. Kuroo's laugh felt good to hear. By stepping down, he had raised our team up. I think, in that moment, I realized that being the captain didn't mean you always had to be the strongest. It meant you had to make the best decisions for everyone around you. Pride surged through me, for him, for all of us. I felt revitalized.</p><p>Kuroo really was the most incredible person.</p><p>21-23.</p><p>I knew, with him leading us, we weren't going to leave this court.</p><p>The whistle blew and the game continued.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0049"><h2>49. It's Going To Be Okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Time was moving in ways I could not have predicted. It was blurry and tumbling, each day felt like a sheet of paper running through a printing press. The words were there, they were making an impression, but the text moved past my vision before I could register it. I wished I could jam my hand within the gears of the machine in a way that wouldn't lacerate my skin, in a way that wouldn't selfishly halt its continuous forward movement.  The speed at which everything was happening did not diminish the moment, or leave it uncherished, but it was still rather overwhelming. </p><p>There was so much I wanted to laminate in my own my mind. Every fraction of every second was pure bliss. </p><p>We had beat Fukurodani by a thin margin. I remembered the way Bokuto had solemnly grasped my hand beneath the net, forcing me to swear that we would carry this as far as we could, for his sake. The force wasn't needed. I wanted to play in a way that made my friends proud.  Semi-finals had been a careful scrape, but in the end, Kuroo's amazing blocking had kept us afloat. I could barely remember the progression of that game. It had felt like my body was participating in an intricate dance, like my mind was nothing. My feet ached and my back was tired.</p><p>Our time wasn't limitless. Tomorrow was the ending of it all. Though the larger world of volleyball was shocked, it did not surprise us in the slightest that Karasuno would be our final opponent. </p><p>We stood side by side at the train station. Baba was fulfilling her promise. She had been traveling all day to see Kuroo play at the our last game. We were waiting for her arrival. The early evening shadows traced intricate lines on his face. He stood a bit straighter, seemed a bit older. A little tired, too. Kuroo turned, watching me watch him. </p><p>"How does it feel? Being at the edge of your dream?", I said, surprisingly myself a little with the question. He leaned back and looked away from me. </p><p>"It feels like its my last night alive." </p><p>Kuroo walked in a small circle, scrapping the toe of his sneaker against the ground. It scuffed, leaving a smudgey mark. He looked at me and I could see it in his eyes. </p><p>"I don't really know what I'll be when this is all over. This has been my life for so long." </p><p>I nodded, folding my arms against my chest. I didn't quite know what to say, so I said "Yeah." </p><p>"Will you play when I'm gone?" </p><p>I let his words trail off into the air. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I couldn't imagine playing without him. I didn't want to. Kuroo's phone vibrated. He answered the call. </p><p>"Hi, Baba! Oh, geez. Well, thanks for telling us. We'll be here when you arrive. Love you, too." </p><p>He flipped the phone around his fingers before re-pocketing it. "Trains delayed. It'll be about another 30 minutes." </p><p>Kuroo slumped against a pillar, huffing slightly. I stepped a bit closer, wanting to hug him, to hold him, to reassure him. I couldn't find a way to naturally initiate such a thing, though. </p><p>"Do you want to go to the park?" </p><p>A small smile spread on his face. Relief flooded my soul. It was better, seeing him like that. Better than contemplating the end of our world.  Night stretched and expanded. It was unusually clear. The tiniest, bravest stars could be seen competing with the city lights. We had dug a partially deflated volleyball out of a bush and were doing our best to pass it around. I knew this park as intimately as him, by now. Fresh leaves were beginning to sprout on the trees, a prologue for the coming cherry blossoms. It was funny, how times and seasons had past. Everything and nothing. The changing of wind. </p><p>Kuroo stopped. He held the ball, wrapping his fingers along the seams. </p><p>"Kenma?" </p><p>"Yes?" </p><p>"I don't want this to end. The game. The team. My life." </p><p>He looked up at me. His eyes were simple, his words steady. </p><p>"My life.. with you. I know we were going to wait, but it's all ending. It's moving too quickly and I don't- I don't want to miss a single moment. Not one. I really, really do like you, Kenma Kozume. I don't entirely know what that means or how it will look or what my family will do but I don't care. I just want to be with you. As much as I can." </p><p>My face felt a bit damp. Maybe I was crying a bit, maybe it was the sweat. I looked at him from the other side of the net. The wind whispered the sweet songs of all those who had confessed beneath the boughs of these trees, this spot of green in the center of a concrete island. Our park. </p><p>"Okay." </p><p>"What do you mean, okay?" His eyes were wide. </p><p>"Oh my god, dumbass, I meant okay. Yes. I like you so much, stupid idiot. Yes, obviously. One million times, yes. I want to be with you for as long as we possibly can." </p><p>We were both a bit red faced. Kuroo doubled over, laughing. I joined him, our voices breaking the cool silence and startling some birds that were roosting for the evening on the power lines overhead. No more dramatics, no more sleepless nights or shitty people. Just us. I didn't feel different, I didn't even feel that sort of fragility one often acquires when they are presented with the best, most amazing gift. It just felt right. He bumped the ball over the net to me. I sent it back. Same old, same us. We were only honest, now. </p><p>"What if we lose tomorrow?", I mumbled. </p><p>Kuroo shrugged. "We just have to do our best. That's all I need." </p><p>We did another sequence of passes.</p><p>"I'm really proud of you, by the way. I hope you'll stay. You could even make a good captain, I think. If you and Yamamoto worked together. Levelheaded and loud. It's a good combo." </p><p>I wrinkled my nose, "I really don't want to discuss it yet." He nodded, copying my facial expression and rolling his eyes.</p><p>Kuroo's phone buzzed. "Baba should be here soon. Wanna head back?" </p><p>I nodded. Kuroo came around the side of the net, but then stopped. He stared at me, awkwardly. </p><p>"What?" </p><p>"Oh, god." </p><p>"What?" </p><p>Kuroo looked down at the ground. "Remember how I told you I liked you, like a couple minutes ago. And how you liked me?" </p><p>It was strange to see him act with even an ounce of shyness. "Mhmm." I was bemused. </p><p>He stuck his arm out, "I'dliketoholdyourhand." </p><p>A soft chuckle escaped me. I intertwined my fingers with his, both of our palms a bit slick with sweat. It didn't matter. I squeezed his hand. I could feel the fast pulse of his heart through his fingers. It felt so irresistibly right to be leaving the park with his hand in mine. It was a wondrous and subtle thing, but the way we held each other made me realize that we had chosen one another, we were tied through the tips of our skin. It felt so simple, like it always had been this way. I guess, depending on how I looked at it, it had. There was a peace in our hearts that batted away all of the darkness that had grasped our past, that deflected the worry that baited tomorrow's future. </p><p>I never wanted to let go. </p><p>Kuroo traced circles with his thumb against my palm as we waited at the light. I shivered.</p><p>"Ah, shit. I should return this, some kid is probably going to come looking for it." He was still holding the volleyball we had found in the bushes. </p><p>"I'll be right back." </p><p>Kuroo darted back into the fold of shadows, reentering the park, bumping the ball upwards in his own hands. It thudded dully against him. I followed Kuroo from a short distance, hovering by the entrance. </p><p>Without warning, I felt off. Like something bad was about to happen. The last time I felt this way had been September, back in Furano, when I had pushed open the door to a quiet house. </p><p>"Kuroo!" </p><p>The ball went a bit out of his reach and he leaned forward to save it. Maybe it was a tree root, or some uneven pavement. I watched Kuroo's body, which usually moved with such grace, twist awkwardly. </p><p>There was a horrible, terrible crack. Then silence. Then, "FUCKING SHIT OH MY GOD." </p><p>"No, no, no, no." </p><p>I sprinted to his side, dropping my knees into the ground. Under the harsh streetlight, I could see that Kuroo's ankle was contorted in an unnatural way, tilted at an angle no bone was capable of. </p><p>"This can't be happening." </p><p>I don't know if he had said it, or I. </p><p>"Can you move?"</p><p>Kuroo tried to get up, but cried out in pain. The sound made my blood feel like ice. I pulled him up to his feet, supporting him as he hobbled, wincing and groaning under the stress of his own weight. I did my best to hold him up, to make it so that I was doing most of the work. </p><p>"I'm so stupid, I'm so fucking stupid." </p><p>"You're not." </p><p>"I'm so, so fucking stupid." </p><p>"It's just a sprain. We just need to get you some ice, and-" </p><p>Kuroo buried his face in my shoulder, his body shaking. </p><p>"I can't move my left foot, Kenma. You can move in a sprain. It hurts, but it's not impossible." </p><p>He looked at me, but he wasn't crying. Maybe it was the shock. I chose to ignore him. There was no way that Kuroo could've been hurt this bad on the night before the day he had spent his entire life preparing for. It simply couldn't be happening. Everything had been so good, so right. I could still feel his hand against mine. </p><p>I got Kuroo to a bench on the edge of the park. He still couldn't walk, so he had me call an ambulance. I wasn't strong enough to carry him on my own, which made me angry with myself. </p><p>Baba arrived at the same time as the ambulance, joining us in the park. She looked exceptionally grim as she prodded at Kuroo's ankle. He bit his lip so hard to keep from yelping that a thin line of blood now trickled down from his chin. Still, Kuroo did not cry. </p><p>He just sat there, silent and unmoving.</p><p> I helped the paramedics get him inside, then Baba joined him, placing an affectionate hand on her grandson's shoulder. I moved to join them, but Kuroo stopped me. </p><p>"Go home, Kenma." </p><p>I firmly planted my feet in the back of the van, "No, I'm not leaving you like this." </p><p>"You have a game tomorrow, go home." </p><p>I curled my hands into fists, "Don't you dare say that like you don't." </p><p>Kuroo looked at me, warningly. "Please, Kenma. I'm going to be fine. But I need you to go home." There was an edge of pleading in his voice. He beckoned me a bit closer, grabbed my hand and squeezed it, then lightly pushed me back. </p><p>Baba looked at me softly. "I'll make sure he's well taken care of." </p><p>A lump was rising in my throat. I didn't understand how he could be so calm, now. This was his dream, this was- </p><p>I let my body carry me out of the ambulance and onto the asphalt. I kept my eyes on him as the doors slid shut. </p><p>Kuroo smiled weakly and mouthed "It's going to be okay." </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0050"><h2>50. A Final Game</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>There's one more chapter to go after this one! Thank you so, so, so much for reading! It has been an extreme joy to write this book, I'll send out a couple more thank yous and information about the spinoff book in the author's note for the final part !</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"We have to get them to- to postpone or SOMETHING."</p><p>Yaku's hands trembled with anger. He glared darkly at Coach Nekomata. I was used to his yelling, but it felt wrong to be cross with the old man. </p><p>Nobody on our team knew how to feel. </p><p>We were all in uniform, gathered in a locker area that had been designated for us. Karasuno was across the hall. It had been difficult getting there this morning, the station by the Tokyo Metropolitan Gym had been congested with spectators. Some people recognized me as the setter that would be playing today and wished me luck. I didn't like it. </p><p>I didn't like walking into the stadium alone.  </p><p>Baba had sent me updates through the night via Kuroo's phone. It was a clean fracture. Once healed, it would be like the bone had never cracked in the first place. That was good to know, but it didn't change the fact that Kuroo would not be playing. I hadn't been able to get through to him all morning. I would understand, if he couldn't come. I knew he was in pain, both physically and emotionally. This was all he had wanted. If I was in Kuroo's position, I don't think I would have had the strength. But, that didn't waver my own desire. I wanted to see him so badly. We wanted to see him so badly, we wanted him here, with us. It was a desperate plea. Coach Nekomata hung his head. The news of the morning had cast years upon him. </p><p>"We can't postpone the game. It's just not possible. The time it would take to heal a fracture is not time we have." </p><p>Yaku sat in the corner, covering his face with his hands. "We can't play without him. Right?" </p><p>He looked at me, "Right, Kenma? Surely, you of all people-" </p><p>I folded my hands, looking down. I didn't like everyone staring at me this way. All around the room, my friends were scattered within their own thoughts. Everyone had become an island unto themselves. Kai thumbed a volleyball between his fingers, his face void. Fukunaga seemed physically sick.  Lev leaned against the wall, slouching so intensely he was almost at a normal height. Inuoka's face was still red from crying. He sat in a clump with the rest of the first years. I didn't know what I could say. I wanted to help them so badly. I wish- </p><p>"Yaku? Get the fuck up. Why aren't we warming up right now?" </p><p>We turned, and there he was, standing in the door. The light was against his back, silhouetting him in a way that was almost laughably dramatic. Kuroo hobbled in, pushing crutches out in front of him. I watched him wince, slightly. "Sorry I'm late, I had to take a cab, because the station seemed a bit much to handle, with, y'know.." </p><p>He shook an aluminum crutch and smiled weakly. We all looked at him a bit dumbly. Kuroo caught my eye and gave me the smallest wink. In that moment, I could've given some romantically lush description about how that little acknowledgement felt like lightening, how it felt like leaping over some hill of happiness, like water balloons on a hot day or the comfort of a familiar song.. but that wasn't necessary. He knew how I felt because he felt it, too. </p><p>Kuroo took a breath, surveying the room. </p><p>"It's like when Lev took my blocking position against Bokuto. It's like that, but for a little bit longer. The best part of being captain is the opportunity to lead such an amazing group of people." </p><p>He met each of our eyes in that tiny room adjacent to the gymnasium. We could hear the roar of crowds outside. </p><p>"I'm still doing that. Paid a whole ass cab fare and downed some pain killers to be here. So let's get out there, ok?" </p><p>Yamamoto, who had been unusually quiet, jumped up on one of the low benches. </p><p>"ALL RIGHT EVERYBODY, YOU HEARD THE CAPTAIN, LET'S GET A MOVE ON." </p><p>The gymnasium felt infinitely bigger than it had during opening ceremony with only us and Karasuno. My hands shook as we lined up to enter, but I looked ahead to where Kuroo stood, calmly. Seeing him made me feel still. </p><p>"Number 5, Kozume Kenma, Setter!" </p><p>I jogged out, joining our line as the announcer rattled facts about my playing that I honestly didn't even know. I looked out over the crowd, zeroing in on the loudest section. In the first row sat Baba and Kuroo's mother, Nakano. Between the two women, right in the middle, was my mom. I had tried to play it off like it wasn't something she had to come to, but there she was wearing a bright red shirt, yelling her head off and raising her fists in the air. Baba and Nakano cheered for me along with her, though they had to cover their ears a bit as an extremely loud friend of mine was seated directly behind them. Bokuto and Akaashi sent us a huge thumbs up. </p><p>The Karasuno players filed out. I watched them, one by one, each wearing an expression of pure determination. Hinata's eyes glowed as he ran onto the gymnasium floor, and an especially loud cheer accompanied him. His incredibly unique playing style had amassed a large following throughout his tournament progress. </p><p>I was proud to be his friend. </p><p>The lights flashed and the noise faded into the background of my thoughts. I stood, my spine straight, my heart thundering alongside the rest of my teammates. I snuck a glance at all of them.</p><p> Kai. Yaku. Yamamoto. Fukunaga. Inuoka. Teshiro. Lev. Shibayama. Kuroo. My Kuroo. </p><p>My friends. </p><p>My team. </p><p>It was funny. If I ignored the sound and the size of the gym, it really didn't feel like the finals we had fought so hard for. It just felt like another Saturday. Another practice away game. We would get back on the bus, or go back to an inn. Maybe we would even go get dinner with Karasuno, or our coaches would take us out. As the light faded and we headed home, we would pass my Switch around and play another Smash tournament. We would play until we tired of it, then chat idly about everything and nothing. I would listen, contribute some, but mostly just enjoy the simple warmth of my friends. Of all of us. </p><p>I knew, in this moment, we were all thinking the same thing. </p><p>It didn't feel like the end. </p><p>We circled up. This wasn't perfect, this wasn't the way everything should have gone. Nonetheless, we were here, and that was a bit incredible. I couldn't describe the way it felt when we all joined hands. I gripped onto Kuroo and Yamamoto like my life depended on it. </p><p>There was silence. </p><p>"Anybody got anything they wanna say?", Kuroo mumbled. He shifted in his cast foot. There was a smile on his face, but I could tell he was trying not get choked up. </p><p>For the first time, I felt confident to speak for my team. </p><p>"Let's just do what we always do." </p><p>There was a chorus of nods. Kuroo grinned. "I'm sure you all know the words by now. We're gonna say it, no, let's fucking yell it. Together. So everyone can hear." </p><p>I took a deep breath. Air rushed into my lungs and words spilled out. </p><p>"WE ARE THE BLOOD THAT FLOWS SMOOTHLY </p><p>AND CIRCULATES OXYGEN, </p><p>SO THAT THE BRAIN. CAN. WORK. NORMALLY." </p><p>Our chant made sense to me, finally. We are Nekoma's volleyball team. Every single one of us as long as we know one another, as long as we are, no matter where we may be. </p><p>Kuroo put his fist in the air, leading our charge. "LET'S GO." </p><p>He put his hand on my shoulder as he passed me, moving to the coaches bench. Kuroo nodded. I nodded back, and took my place in the center. Kageyama stared at me from the other side of the net. His face, which I had come to view as usually vacant or angry, was abnormally calm. The whistle blew. </p><p>Ok. Let's go. </p><p>Books, at least the ones I knew from my childhood, always have neat and convenient endings. The prince saves the princess, the lost key is found, the little boy returns home. Life, however, with all it's variations of mental and physical experience, simply cannot be this way. We may be our own protagonist, our own narrator, but that doesn't mean we are allowed the tidy wins that our fictional counterparts can get away with. </p><p>I laid on the floor of the gymnasium in a puddle of my own sweat as the whistle blew, my body tired and heaving as Karasuno collapsed into a pile of an embrace on the other side of the net. Yamamoto laid down next to me, his chest moving up and down. The rest of the team joined us, all of us looking up at the lights. It was a bit sad, of course. I would be lying if it wasn't. We had played hard, played to win. But... there was an irresistible tug in my stomach.  I thought back to the first day I had joined the team, to what Coach Nekomata had said to me. </p><p>You're not letting anyone down in volleyball as long as you have fun. </p><p>As my breath slowly caught up with me, I gazed at the ceiling. "That, that was really awesome." </p><p>"It was", Yaku agreed. I could see a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Kai nodded, his head resting slightly against mine. I turned to look at Yamamoto next to me, my cheek pressed against the floor. "Let's come back. Next year." </p><p>His face lit up brighter than the camera bulbs. </p><p>"HEY." </p><p>Kuroo came out onto the floor, wobbling slightly. I was a bit scared to meet his eyes, but when I did, they only contained pride. We had done it. We had done our best, and he had led us the whole way. I had misunderstood for months. Kuroo's dream wasn't winning. It was right here. </p><p>He leaned over me, holding out a hand to help me up as he supported his own body. I took it, feeling the familiar squeeze. </p><p>And you know? I had a dream of my own. To feel love and be loved. I had more than accomplished that dream in the last several months, but I wanted to render it, to make it irrevocably tangible. I was sweaty and gross and tired, but that didn't matter. </p><p>I stood before Kuroo and pulled his hand around my waist. I stood up on the very tiptoes of my volleyball sneakers and brought his face down to meet mine. </p><p>I kissed him and the room got a little brighter, a little louder. </p><p>When I pulled away, Kuroo's eyes were wide. Before I could say anything, he kissed me back, picking me up a bit in the process. </p><p> That, though wonderful, was a bit of a mistake on a broken ankle. We lost balance and tumbled on top of each other to the floor, nearly crushing our team who were, though a bit shocked, still laying on the ground. </p><p>Laughter. Peace. </p><p>"I fucking knew it", Yaku muttered. </p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0051"><h2>51. The Ending, The Beginning</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>the finale :,)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>We started dating in the formal, public sense soon after that. Every single day felt like the best there ever was, the best there ever could be. There was the extraordinary mundane, studying for finals in our coffee shop and taking the train to school together, though even this was crystalized into a kind of rare beauty because it was shared between us.</p><p>There were great adventures, too.</p><p>We went on road trips and spent nights under strings of stars. Often, friends accompanied us: our team, Bokuto and Akaashi, Hinata, the other boys from Karasuno. Once, we went to the beach and I got sunburned so badly I could barely stand to be touched. I held tightly to Kuroo, anyways. We kicked dirt, watched clouds, found new corners of Tokyo, sat under Sakura blossoms in the park. We went back to the Skytree like we had said we would, and it was there that Kuroo told me he loved me.</p><p>Obviously, I returned the sentiment.</p><p>Baba and Nakano finally stood up to Kuroo's father. They took Kuroo's courage as their own and  told him he needed to accept his son, not just in this, but in every way. Do that, or leave. He chose to try. Once, he even gruffly complimented my performance at Nationals. He didn't quite know how to be yet, what to say, but the older man was getting better. With our families aware, we had to be a bit more careful about sleepovers, but we still found ways to end up in each other's arms. We found ways to do other stuff, too.. though I'm gonna consider that to be private information.  Very good, very fun private information.</p><p>The crowds were sparse today at the Narita International Airport. The early morning sun peaked out from behind the long, white building. I could hear airplanes overhead. I set Kuroo's heavy duffle bag down, my shoulder aching. I watched as he talked to the man in charge of checking bags. Kuroo crossed his delicate fingers behind his back as the large duffle was weighed. When the scale dictated it was under the weight limit, he exhaled dramatically in relief. I watched the bag go up a conveyor belt. I imagined it's destination, the belly of a plane headed to the United States, then, the floor of a dormitory.</p><p>My heart clenched up a bit.</p><p>Kuroo looked at me, and the pressure tightened more. He made a face, "Hey. Hey. No. Don't do it. Don't cry on me, Kozume."</p><p>He took my hands gently in his, pressing them against his lips. I let my head thud unceremoniously into Kuroo's chest. "I know, I know."</p><p>Kuroo let go of my hands and wrapped his right arm around my waist, using his other hand to run his fingers through my hair. He rested his chin on the top of my head. I held him tightly against me, as tight as I could. We stood like that for awhile. There weren't really anymore words available to us. We knew all of them, already. I couldn't bring myself to say the one that was necessary in this moment. Farewells are a muscular task, and I really have never been one for any kind of cardio or strength training.</p><p>"I'll be back in December."</p><p>I nodded, releasing him slightly from my grasp.</p><p>"In the mean time, I'm gonna be here."</p><p>He prodded at my chest, just above my heart. I swatted his finger away, grinning slightly at his cheesiness.</p><p>"Oh, yeah? I'll be here. Which won't be hard, cuz there's not a lot going on in there", I said, poking him on the forehead. Kuroo smiled. I placed my hands on either side of his face, feeling the warmth between my palms, the space that was him, the most perfect shape. I kissed him, our lips softly pressing together, softer than a light snowfall, maybe as soft as a memory.</p><p>"I love you, Tetsuro Kuroo."</p><p>"I love you, Kenma Kozume."</p><p>We kissed again, a jumble of limbs and feeling, a heavy and final promise. I watched as he took his suitcase and stepped between the sliding glass doors. Kuroo turned to look at me. He waved. I waved back.</p><p>
  <em>I'll see you soon.</em>
</p><p>I like to think that nothing is final. Everyone continues to be together, even when they don't actually end up in a way we can traditionally perceive. The important people in our lives exist within us forever. I'll always think about him and I, the way he picked up my broken body in that alleyway, the way I picked him up time and time again. Together, we learned the honesty of healing.</p><p>I know we will continue to support each other in this way, with the push and pull of our weight.</p><p>Whether it's come winter or in some strange, unexpected way that will catch me off guard, I will see Kuroo again. I wouldn't be surprised if, after whatever grand thing comes next, there is a happy ending that involves both of us. For now, though, I can confidently say that I am living that ending.</p><p>Because I am happier having known him.</p><p>And he is happier having known me.</p><p>Nothing, not even the passage of time or the distance of an ocean, can take that away from us.</p><p>I looked down at my phone, checking the time. <em>Shit.</em> I needed to get back to our gym to help Yamamoto set up for practice. The Interhigh Tournaments were coming up and we needed to stay on top of our game. After, Akaashi and I were meeting up for dinner. I would have to run in order to make my train.</p><p>I took off, my feet glancing against the pavement, the sun rising in my eyes.</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>-The End-</em>
  </b>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, there are thank yous in order!! No book happens under the will of one person. I gotta pass some credit around.</p><p>A massive thank you, though I'd be shocked if they ever received it, goes out to Haruichi Furudate. Thank you for creating a body of work that brings me ridiculous amounts of joy and reminds me to always stay motivated, to fight hard for the goals I have.</p><p>An equally massive thank you goes out to you, the reader. Writing this book gave me direction in a time I really needed it. I am indescribably grateful for your support, be it from the kudos, the comments that made me blush and laugh way too loudly, or simply the people who have been flipping through these digital pages. I see you and I appreciate you.</p><p>I also thank you for sticking with me. I know this was a bit of a long one with all these choppy little chapters.</p><p>But, the process of learning to love others (and most importantly, yourself) is a slow ritual.</p><p>It takes the changing of seasons, the celebration of holidays, the complete and unrushed passage of time. It's also process that is unfortunately nonlinear. We all have to step back, sometimes even completely fall apart, in order to piece ourselves back together and take our next best step.</p><p>If you take away anything from this book, besides the fact that KuroKen is a god tier ship, I hope that it is an understanding that all we can do within our lives is that.</p><p>Sometimes, you will have friends and lovers that will help you forward. Sometimes, you won't.</p><p>No matter how you move, move with kindness.</p><p>AAAAAAND ! MOST IMPORTANTLY! <br/>A SPIN OFF BOOK HAS BEEN PUBLISHED INTO THIS WORLD!! </p><p>It's called The Man Who Ran Off With the Moon, and it takes place about ten years after this story. The book largely follows Tsukishima and Yamaguchi's relationship, but Kuroo and Kenma (along with some other familiar faces!) are a major part of the plot and have their own important arc within the story. This book will be referenced. We get to see them navigate the complexities of their relationship as adults, while dealing with a fuckton of Tsukki and Yam's drama. It's a bit more angsty and ~mysterious~~ than this one, the stakes are a bit higher, but I'm honestly pretty damn proud of how it's turning out. I hope you'll check it out! There's some chapters up on my profile now. <br/>Thank you so much for welcoming me to AO3! I hope i did not completely suck.</p><p>Love and Light <br/>-Mari Kei</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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